A Parental Guide
by xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks
Summary: Rule 8: You cannot share the same bed. You may be sharing dormitories... DORMITORIES? WE’RE SHARING DORMITORIES! Needless to say, this was not my best day. Marrying Sirius Black is not all that it cracks up to be. SBOC. FINISHED.
1. Starting Hogwarts

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N:** Let the re-write of the first four chapters of 'A Parental Guide' begin. Sorry to mess everyone about. Please R&R.

-x-

"Don't rush your food, Rosa-" I stopped shovelling food into my mouth at 100mph, "Don't gulp your orange juice!" I slammed my glass of juice down on the table. "Oh, please, dear, _don't_ make such unattractive expressions." Brendan sniggered at this last comment, as I'd been pulling faces at mum's turned back when she said that. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"Suse, don't nag her." My dad said, appearing from behind his newspaper for the first time that morning. He helped himself to some tea, before disappearing once again. "It's her first day of school. She's already nervous."

"I'm NOT nervous! I'm 16, not 5!" I interrupted angrily. My name's Rosa-Marie Willow- Rosa, for all those people who haven't gathered that yet. Not Rose, not Rosy and not Rosanna for all those funny, _funny_ people out there, who have a serious death wish. I remember the first time my brother called me Rosy. I 'accidentally' pushed him into the garden pond a few seconds later. He now calls me princess instead; sure, it is annoying but c'mon which one would you choose? Rosy or Princess?

Brendan (the brother) shares my pet guinea pig, Flopsy. I named him, the guinea pig not the brother, when I was little and too young to realise that Flopsy is what people call their rabbits, not their guinea pigs. He tried to smuggle him to Hogwarts in his trunk once. Mum caught him. I was in hysterics as she chased him around the house with her broomstick.

I was sick of everyone making out that moving to Hogwarts was such a big deal. In the end, school was school and no amount of congratulations or mum's tearful 'I'm-proud-of-you' could change that. I've been home-schooled since I was about seven. I had a bit of trouble with a few girls in my class at primary school and my mum had decided it would be best for me to be taught at home by a tutor. The tutor in question, Laura, is now a very close family friend and has dinner at our house every Thursday evening. Anyway, when the time came for secondary school, mum didn't want to uproot me so Brendan had gone to Hogwarts by himself, much to his delight.

Everything was fine until Dad made the oh-so-brilliant observation that to get decent NEWTs I would have to be taught in an actual school. Mum had protested at first but then, unfortunately, she saw sense and told me that I would have to start going to Hogwarts in September. I would be 16 then, just, and therefore in the same year as Brendan.

And that is where it all begins- September 1st, the start of my life at Hogwarts.

"Mum, Rosa wanted you to tell her the story of how you and Dad got together again. You know, before she goes off to Hogwarts and doesn't see you for 4 months." Brendan piped up, smirking as he saw me stick my middle finger up at him. A look of horror came upon mum's face and I guessed that she probably hadn't realised that while I was at Hogwarts, she wouldn't be with me. Oh no… there was no escape…

"Of course I would!" Mum exclaimed, beaming over at me. I didn't have the heart to say that I didn't like hearing the story of mum and dad's first meeting, as mum always went into too much detail and stretched the truth, so I instead settled on looking like Christmas had come early, when mum began her story.

"It was winter-" Wrong. Rosa distinctively remembered her father saying it was summer, "And I was in the great hall-" The library, "When your father came up to me-" He had been reading a book in the far corner of the library, "And asked if it had hurt when I fell from heaven." He had asked why mum was watching him like a hawk as it was seriously pissing him off. "Anyway, I… Brendan! Where are you going!"

I smiled in satisfaction. Brendan had only half risen from his chair and mum had already spotted him. "Erm, I was going to finish packing my trunk."

"Don't be silly, darling, I've already finished packing both yours and your sister's trunks. Oh and I put in those new pants that I bought you. You know, the ones with that funny character that you like on them-"

"Spongebob Square Pants?" I spluttered, looking to Brendan for confirmation. He was now trying his best to blend in with the wallpaper.

"Yes! That's the one. The yellow sponge." Mum confirmed, nodding. I quickly shoved an apple into my mouth. I couldn't trust myself not to wet myself if I started to laugh.

"Yeah, well, you like Fairly Odd Parents!" Brendan said to me.

"What?! It's cool!"

"Oh and Spongebob's not!"

"Erm, yeah."

"Brendan! Rosa! Stop this!"

"At least Spongebob's original! Fairly Odd Parents; ooh, I wonder what that could be about!"

"He's a sponge, Brendan. S-P-O-N-G-E."

"They're fairies, Rosa. F-A-I-R-I-E-S."

"BOTH OF YOU BE QUIET!" Mum shouted. I opened my mouth to continue but saw mum's expression and thought better than to do such a reckless thing. Mother was not a force to meddle with, especially with her current bad temperament. She glowered at us for a few seconds, before turning away. I stuck my tongue out at him, thinking Brendan would do the mature thing.

"Mum! Rosa stuck her tongue out at me!" Apparently not.

"Snitch." I muttered bitterly.

-x-

I stood on that damn platform of that damn train, which would soon take me to that damn school. Damn me. Brendan was next to me, grinning like an idiot (no difference there). We'd lost our mother a good ten minutes before and I was secretly hoping that she had decided to leave us to catch the train by ourselves. No such luck. She appeared just behind us, huffing and puffing, her arms laden with a multitude of shopping bags. _Ann Summers bags!_ I swallowed and tried not to feel too revolted.

"You will like this new school, Rosa-"

"Mum, can we get on the train please?" I interrupted. She looked worried, so I gave her a re-assuring smile. "Seriously, I'll be fine. It's only four months."

My mum was now rummaging through her handbag in search of some tissues. She was attracting attention from passers-bys now… embarrassment was an understatement. "Oh that's my big girl! Acting brave, as always!"

Mum abandoned her attempts of stopping her crying and suddenly pounced on me. I let out a shriek. The impact of her hug physically winded me and I was now wheezing, as I struggled to wriggle out of her grasp. Brendan was laughing… well, that was until Mum pulled him into the bone-crushing hug too. Our heads collided with a smash and we both shouted "OW!" at the same time.

"Mum- let- us- go!" Brendan struggled. Finally mum released us. I sprang backwards, not willing to give my mother another chance to smother me.

"I'm done. Bye, darlings." Mum said grudgingly. She began to wave vigorously at us instead. Brendan's expression was hilarious. A few people had stopped walking to talk to him and were now watching mum with amusement.

"Rosa?" Brendan asked.

"Hmm?"

"Kill me. Now."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	2. Introducing The Project

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N:** Thanks to Logan and TranquilSeas (She PMed me) for reviewing my first chapter of this story. Now on with the second chapter!

-x-

I glumly resigned myself to my fate; I was doomed to become a drunken hobo and well, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I hadn't been clever enough to be sorted into Ravenclaw, something Brendan had obviously been delighted with, but instead I had been 'brave' enough to be sorted into Gryffindor. Brave, for Merlin's sake… I could kiss goodbye to any dreams I had of being the future Jane Austen right now. But then, of course, who cares! Because I am brave! Oh the career prospects are endless!

The fire crackled and I broke out of my thoughts. I was curled, cat-like, in the armchair nearest the fireplace and successfully ignoring all of my fellow Gryffindors. I was the only person not chattering away with their friends about their holidays, save another girl, who was sitting across from me and reading a book. She had straight, shoulder-length brown hair and blue eyes and looked promisingly like she could have a similar personality to mine.

"Hi. I'm Rosa." I smiled, leaning forward and offering her my hand. The girl moved her head upwards but didn't manage to tear her gaze away from her book for a few seconds. She smiled uncertainly back at me and put her book back in her schoolbag.

"Mary," the girl replied, and shook my out-stretched hand. "You're new, huh?"

"Yes. I'm in 7th year, what year-"

"7th year also."

"Good good." We fell into an awkward silence, both of us nodding thoughtfully to ourselves, only glancing at each other every so often to smile politely.

"Do you like reading?" I asked and instantly regretted it. Good job, Rosa, way to go on making a first impression: stating the obviously obvious. Mary nodded vigorously at this; maybe not everything was lost after all…

"Are you intelligent?"

She seemed thrown by the nature of my question and hesitated, clearly unsure of how to reply.

"I s'pose," she said slowly. "I'm not as clever as the Ravenclaws or Lily Evans but I get mostly Os."

"Os?"

"Outstandings."

"_Right_," I lied, faking realisation but I was secretly panicking inside. What the hell were Outstandings?! Was that bad? Well, it sounded good but you never could tell with this school. I wanted As, not Os! As!

The portrait hole suddenly swung open. A tall woman with chalk white skin and black hair, which was pulled back into a tight bun, strolled into the common room. She was dressed in the usual Hogwarts attire, black robes and black pointed hat. Her robes also bore the Gryffindor crest and I realised that this witch was my head of house.

"Potter, hand me that stink bomb now… Black, you too… Oh for heaven's sake, we've only just got back to school and you have already managed to burn a hole through a cushion! Longbottom! Are you listening to me!" the woman shouted angrily, halting in front of a tall boy with a roundish face. He obviously hadn't been listening to her rant and had a glazed look in his eyes.

A pretty girl with strawberry blonde hair was in a fit of giggles beside him. She gave the boy a shove and he seemed to come back to reality. "Erm- where are you? Professor McGonagall! What are you doing here!" the boy said in shock, edging his chair over toward the girl's to hide the burnt cushion from view.

"She's already seen it Frank," another boy called out.

"Oh." Frank's face fell.

"Detention. Tomorrow, my office," McGonagall snapped. "The reason I came here tonight was to give out your timetables. I assume you do remember what those are?"

There were a few mutters of 'yes'. McGonagall called the people out in alphabetical order and handed each of them their own timetables. All of the timetables had been given to their respective owners within only a few minutes of McGonagall's entrance. She surveyed the Gryffindors with a suspicious expression, threw the four boys in the corner a dark look and walked back over to the portrait hole.

"Professor!" I shouted out and was surprised to hear a few voices join mine. We all looked at each other. I sighed and rose out of my seat. "Professor!"

"Yes?" McGonagall fixed her piercing gaze on me. I became very interested in the floor.

"Erm… I haven't got my timetable."

"Me neither."

"I haven't!"

"Nor me."

"Ah yes! How could I forget…" McGonagall exclaimed and I could tell that she was trying to keep a smile off her face. "All of the people without timetables please follow me." I followed her out of the portrait hole, closely followed by the other five people, who were also lacking in the timetable department. I hadn't asked why we had to go to the professor's office-- partly because I hadn't wanted to but mostly because I just didn't dare to.

-x-

I slid down in my chair, so that my head was level with McGonagall's desk, and folded my arms across my chest. She had been lecturing us for the past fifteen minutes and I was still yet to discover what it was actually about. She could have been stripping and singing 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' for all the attention I was paying her.

"Marriage is a blessing-"

"W-w-what?" I spluttered. Why throw a glass off water over me when you could say the word that every commitment phobic dreads to wake me up? "M-m-marriage?"

"Nice of you to join us again, Miss Willow," McGonagall greeted coldly, her lips thinning to an alarming size. She opened a drawer in her desk and pulled out half a dozen different coloured files. "Yes, marriage."

"Wait, so what you are saying is that we have to be _married_ to someone for a whole two months?" the boy I recognised as Frank from the common room said in disbelief.

"WE HAVE TO MARRY SOMEONE?!?" I was unable to contain myself; or control my overly large mouth as it now seemed. "I can't marry someone! I'm not even 17 yet! It's illegal in the wizarding world! I don't want commitment! I don't want to get married-" My nervous blabbing was obviously annoying McGonagall to no end (and amusing the other occupants of the room). Eventually she managed to interrupt me.

"Detention Miss Willow. My, my, you aren't getting off to a good start at Hogwarts, are you? Tell me, have you been listening to a word I've been saying?"

"Yes. No. Kind of."

"Yes or No?"

"No professor," I admitted, bowing my head.

"Carrying on… this project will simply give you a taste of what married life will be like if you choose to pursue it in the future. The staff has already decided the person you will 'marry'. All the rules and information that you will need can be found in these folders," McGonagall held up the six folders for everyone to see. "If no-one has any questions, I shall now tell you who your husband or wife shall be."

Everyone waited with baited breath for McGonagall to continue. "James Potter and Lily Evans."

"NOOO!!!" The scream of despair almost gave me a heart attack and ironically the girl behind the scream, who had now fallen to the floor, looked like she was about to have one. Her red hair had fallen into her face, hiding it from view, but you could tell from the wounded howls she was making that she wasn't happy with who she had to marry.

"Alice Murdock and Frank Longbottom." Frank and Alice looked at each other for a few seconds and shrugged.

"Sirius Black and Rosa-Marie Willow."

"Rosa-Marie? What sort of name is that?" my husband-to-be scoffed, clearly irked with having me as a wife.

"Yeah, seriously _Sirius_, what sort of name is that?" I shot back. He hadn't bothered to look at me up until then and when he did, I gave him the dirtiest look I could muster. He wasn't sore on the eyes, that was for sure, but if he was going to be my… _husband_ (Merlin, just the thought of marriage had me searching desperately for the nearest exit) then he would have to sort out that attitude problem of his and soon.

"I'm-working-with-you-for-this-project-do-you-understand-me?" Sirius asked slowly, spelling out every syllable like I was some alien, smirking at me as he did so. It was unbelievable how much he seemed to fancy himself! Just the way he was leaning back in his seat, so that it balanced on its back two legs, and the way he was running his fingers through his hair like some kind of self-obsessed movie star.

"I-know-I-speak-English," I responded equally as slowly, pointing at myself as I said 'I' and pointing to my mouth as I said 'speak english'. Sirius didn't seem at all impressed with me using his own joke on him.

"You're from Australia," Sirius stated

"Actually, I'm Spanish."

"Where?"

I rolled my eyes. I was fighting a lost cause. "It's a nationality."

"Natalie who?"

"Never mind," I sighed, shaking my head in disbelief at his utter lack of general knowledge. I also didn't like how he was looking me up and down and making no attempt what so ever to hide it. I decided it was best to just ignore him and instead concentrate on the more important fact that I would have to be 'married' for the next two months to someone that I already could not stand.

I opened my plastic folder. A plack card fell into my lap. _Mrs. Black._ Oh my god, the Quibbler hadn't been joking, the teachers at this school really were a bunch of nutcases. All the same, if I was going to be married then I would do it properly and to do that would mean to get an A. I mean, an O. To get an O, I would have to play the act of Sirius' wife well.

The plack card was around my neck in a matter of seconds, the thought of the Outstanding I would get at the end of this project lingering determinedly in my mind. Sirius looked up from his folder and smirked. Again. Merlin, that was annoying. "You have to wear _that?"_ He didn't even try to keep the laughter from his voice.

"Yes," I said through gritted teeth. I snatched his folder from him and leafed through it until I found what I'd been looking for. "And you have to wear_ this_!" I held up the plack card that read _Mr. Willow_ and smirked back at him. He glared at me. I smiled innocently.

"What are the rules to this thing anyway?" Sirius asked, while he tied the placard around his neck on a piece of brown string.

"Oh my god… no way… I refuse to…" I muttered to myself, my eyes wide with horror. There was no way I was doing that… no way…

"What?" Sirius interrupted impatiently. I didn't answer and in the end, he took the rules from his folder and, for some unknown reason, began to read them allowed.

"Rule 1: You must sit with your partner in all of classes-"

"HA! We can't!" I announced triumphantly. "We're probably in different lessons!"

"Actually, no, we were paired because we have signed up for the same NEWTs…" Sirius replied, frowning down at the rules.

"Oh shite."

"DON'T interrupt!"

"Fine!"

"Right. Rule 2: You cannot spend over half an hour with a person of the opposite sex, that isn't your partner, outside of classes- WHAT!" Sirius shouted. He was now staring at the rules in absolute fury and I quickly grabbed them from him, not trusting him not to throw them into the fire or do something else reckless.

"Rule 3: You must signify your marriage by the wearing of these two rings." I turned the folder upside down and out fell two white-gold rings. "Woah. These don't look cheap."

"Rule 4: You must say I love you at least once a day to keep the passion alive in your relationship." Sirius read out. I laughed at this. Ooh yes, an 'I love you' a day would certainly keep the non-existent passion in our illegal marriage alive!

"Rule 5: Public displays of affection are a must. To a limit please. Just kisses on the cheeks, hugs, waves, nicknames will do… nicknames?" Sirius raised his eyebrow at this and looked over at me. "Any particular name you would like me to call you?"

"'Oh wife who I am not worthy to serve let alone be married to'."

"OK. Mine's 'oh sex god who I want to shag like every other member of the female population'."

"… let's just settle on 'dear'."

"Aww but I was just getting into it!"

"Rule 6," I began loudly, drowning out Sirius, "Each week you will be given a task that is optional for you and your partner to carry out. You must do this task."

"Wait. How can the task be optional and we have to do them?"

"The teachers say they're optional, I say you have no choice and that we are doing them."

"Why?"

"Extra credit! Rule 7: You must wear an item of your partner's clothing… at all times?!" I practically shrieked out the last part of the rule.

"I bagsy your underwear!"

"No you don't. You can wear my school scarf and I'll wear your…"

"Underwear?"

"No-one's wearing anyone's underwear!"

"OK. You can wear my black hat. I bought it from Hogsmeade last year."

"Sorted."

"My turn: Rule 8: You cannot share the same bed. You may be sharing dormitories-"

"DORMITORIES? WE'RE SHARING DORMITORIES!"

…Needless to say, this was _not_ my best day.

-x-

**Please R&R! **Thanks to Sarah, my official ideas person. Also thanks to my amazing beta, Alicia, who also helped with a few ideas. Love you both –x-.


	3. Bob The Cauliflower

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N:** I'm really glad that people haven't stopped reading my story since I decided to re-write and I'm overjoyed because I've actually gained reviewers and story alerters as well. OK, so in his review for last chapter, Logan asked if I was going to do an explanation. I think he was referring to why Hogwarts is participating in this project… if he wasn't, well, I'll explain it to you anyway because I've already had to explain to my beta…

**Why have the ministry decided to start this project?**

The ministry have started this project in a hope that by teaching students the values of marriage and the mistakes they can make and the high divorce rate in the wizarding world will decrease.

**Why has Dumbledore let Hogwarts do this project?**

You know, Dumbledore… he's always up for trying something new, especially something as amusing as this.

**Why is it that only a few people in Hogwarts are taking part?**

Because the ministry are only trying it out--nothing's official. (Yet.) If the project works for these students then the ministry will make it a compulsory lesson in all magical schools.

Hope that explains a few things. Anyway, thanks to all of my reviewers! Now on with the 3rd chapter…

-x-

I had long ago abandoned thoroughly reading through the rules, something I had done in a half protest at having to share dormitories with your partner. Boys and girls weren't allowed to share dormitories in the towers and for obvious reasons, so why did that rule only apply to the rest of Hogwarts and not us? It was ridiculous! For all that the teachers knew, I could be going back to my dormitory to have a major shag session with Sirius… of course, I'm not, I mean, please, I've just eaten… but I could and they wouldn't know about it. Surely they have a responsibility to delay teenage pregnancies, at least until we've left school anyway.

We found our new common room without too much difficulty (by not much, I mean it took us over half an hour to find it after Sirius 'accidentally' lost the directions and watched me in amusement as I screeched at him like a banshee) and after saying the password, _Fiddlesticks_, to the portrait of the Lord that guarded our common room, we were finally in our new common room.

"It's not… that bad," I managed to say, looking around and trying my hardest not to wince. It was nowhere near as nice as the Gryffindor Common Room; the carpet was a dull grey colour, the chairs were wooden and looked very uncomfortable and the only paintings on the walls were of raging cupids. "I s'pose these _are_ the conditions that most newly weds find themselves in."

"C'mon, our dormitory's this way," Sirius said. He'd been looking around the room with disgust. He led the way up the staircase and pushed open the door of our dormitory. It was tiny. Two plain single beds, covered in paper-thin quilts had managed to be crammed into the room. But apart from them and a small mirror that hung on the wall that was all that our supposedly romantic master bedroom consisted of.

I sighed to myself. I bent down and began to push my bed over to the opposite side of the room from Sirius'.

"Erm what are you doing?" he said, once again sounding amused. Damn him! Wasn't it obvious?

"Isn't it obvious?" I voiced my thoughts, rolling my eyes at him, "_That_ is your side of the room-" I jabbed my finger at him, "-_this _is my side of the room."

"But the door's on your side of the room…" Sirius declared, frowning at me.

"Tough luck," I muttered, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Fine," Sirius snapped, angrily. He pulled his bed further into his side of the room and then, to my utmost horror, took the mirror down from the wall.

"What are you doing?" He ignored me and instead hung the mirror in a place that was undoubtedly on _his_ side of the room. "Does that look straight to you?" he asked, mock-thoughtfully, stepping back and looking at me with an expression that, if he wasn't such an arse and I didn't dislike him so much, would have made my heart skip a beat.

"No, it doesn't!" I said sulkily, folding my arms in a huffy way. I turned away from him to face _my _wall. I refused to look at him and his stupid smug smile for even a second longer. Honestly, he was so immature… "GIVE ME THAT MIRROR!" I lunged at him, planning to rugby tackle him but he was too quick and I ended up in a collapsed heap on the floor.

"Ok, ok…" I reasoned, as I got to my feet, "You can… _use_ the door if I can use the mirror."

"Hmm," Sirius pondered. I glanced upwards hopefully. "I'll have to think about that. Give me a day or so."

I shrugged, "Alright but until then you aren't allowed to use the door!" I smirked. Oh my god, what was happening to me?! I'd only spent about an hour in his presence and already I was smirking like him. I wiped the smirk off my face quickly and settled on casting him dark looks from across the dormitory. Stupid arse.

-x-

"I can't cope with it!" Lily stammered through her loud sobbing. She'd been crying for god knows how long now. She still hadn't come to terms with having to marry James Potter and because of that, I had turned now into Lily Evan's very own and personal Agony Aunt. I was actually quite good at my job… perhaps I had found a career that I could achieve without being super intelligent… Anyway, so my job as agony aunt to Lily consisted of listening to her ranting and raving about James on a 24/7 basis, only interrupting to agree that James was definitely an unbelievably large arse and also meant that I had to be equipped with a minimum of three boxes of tissues at all times during the day. I'd even taken to keeping a spare box under my pillow just in case Lily had one of her bad moments and decided to come up to my dormitory at an ungodly hour to talk about it.

This was something I was truly thankful for, as I preferred to keep my constant feud with Sirius and my consoling of Lily separate. Speaking of Sirius… he pisses me off more than my mum, my dad and Brendan put together, which is NOT a good thing. I think he enjoys winding me up… I bet he gets some sort-of pervy kick out of it… well, we all cope with the misery that our relationships cause in different ways, annoying the hell out of me is probably his. He's taken to pushing our beds together every time I leave the room and then falling into a state of hysterics when I explode with anger. He knows he's getting to me… but I won't give in, oh no, I refuse to give him the satisfaction… we'll see who wins this battle.

"I'm sure, you'll grow used to James-" It just slipped out! I hadn't meant to call him James (personally I couldn't care less what I called him but Lily was insistent) but already Lily had begun crying again.

"I'm going to have to break up with my boyfriend," Lily sniffed, taking my offered tissue. She blew her nose. "B-b-because I'm m-m-"

"Marrying?"

"Yes, that's the word. I'M MARRYING POTTER!" She wailed and clung to me. I patted her on the head in a comforting way and hoped to god that someone would come and save me before both Lily and I drowned from her uncontrollable crying.

As if in answer to my prayers, the portrait hole opened and in walked Sirius and Potter. I glared over at them. I wish I didn't have faith in god. "Is she ok?" James asked in concern. He looked worry and I felt quite sorry for him but couldn't help but feel a bit angry that _he _wasn't comforting Lily. After all, I was working 24 hours a day 7 days a week here and for crap pay! Correction: NO pay… well, Lily had given me Alice's secret stash of chocolate frogs in thank you for consoling her; true true, Alice had taken them back a day later but the sentiment was still the same.

"'Course she is! She just felt like crying into my shoulder for the hell of it!" I snapped back, still patting the inconsolable Lily on the back.

"Must be PMS…" I heard Sirius mutter what I suppose he thought to be helpful. Ooh big mistake. Lily removed her head from my robes, her eyes flashing dangerously.

"What did you just say?" She said in a deathly whisper. I smirked at Sirius over Lily's head. The two boys were already backing away, back out of the portrait hole.

"Erm… I've left my Potions essay in the library… want to come and fetch it with me, James?"

"Er, yeah, I mean, if that's ok with Lily-" Wrong thing to say, James, wrong thing to say. I grabbed a nearby cushion and covered my ears as all the built up rage Lily had been feeling for the past few days was released.

"OK! OK WITH ME! WHY WOULDN'T IT BE DEAR HUSBAND OF MINE? OR SHOULD I CALL YOU HUBBY? OR WOULD YOU PREFER I CALL YOU SOMETHING ELSE! I HAVE A NAME FOR MYSELF ACTUALLY! LIKE OH WIFE WHO I AM NOT WORTHY TO SERVE-"

"Actually that's my name!" I cut in helpfully.

"Oh," Lily said in surprise, turning to face me, "really?"

"Yep. We decided it yesterday."

"Damn. Now I have to think of another name."

"Don't worry, it will come to you… mine just came out of nowhere…"

"Any ideas for what I could call myself?"

"Does that mean you're not angry with me anymore?" James enquired timidly. Maybe Lily would have let him off, maybe they would have lived happily ever after, maybe they would have had a son and called him Harry and maybe I would have grown a cauliflower out of my arse and called it Bob… maybe… how ever, none of these things happened, because James made the mistake of taking one step too many toward Lily and _placed a hand on her shoulder._

"Would you like white lilies or my would-have-been close, personal, cauliflower friend Bob at your funeral?" I said sweetly. James had enough time to give me a look of clear belief of my incurable insanity before Lily let out a war like scream, grabbed her copy of _Pride and Prejudice_ and chased James out of the common room. Sirius looked at me. I looked at Sirius. We were both in hysterics for the rest of the night. Married life is interesting to say the least.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	4. Romantic Bets

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N: **Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter! I'm really glad. Yes, I know this story _is_ a strange idea but if you don't like it then that's fine, I respect your opinion, just don't review insulting my story… please criticise constructively. Here's chapter 4!

-x-

"Mr. Black are you listening?" I snapped out of my trance and glanced at Sirius, who was sitting beside me. He obviously hadn't been listening, as he was too pre-occupied eyeing up the school slut, Bambi Carlson. Nope, no kidding… her birth name is actually Bambi. I know; I couldn't believe it either. I didn't really care, in fact, I was thankful because if Sirius hadn't been spotted first then I most certainly would have been caught with a dazed expression and unfocused eyes and Professor Flitwick would have definitely given me a detention. Detention wasn't something I could afford to have at the moment because McGonagall had been on my case all week for one thing or another.

"Yes," Sirius replied unconvincingly. I grudgingly pushed the textbook we'd been sharing (he'd left his in our dormitory) into his line of vision, hoping he would quickly realise what we were doing. He looked down and back up at Flitwick. "Erm, you were just revising the twelve uses of dragon blood."

"Hmmm, it seems I have misjudged you, Mr. Black. I had indeed been talking about the twelve uses of dragon blood." Professor Flitwick gave Sirius an approving nod, before moving onto me. He looked at my empty working space. "Ah, Miss Willow, I see you've forgotten your textbook. 5 points from Gryffindor." I blushed crimson and smiled apologetically as every Gryffindor in the room turned in their seats to glare at me. Flitwick proceeded to tell me all about the importance of organisation for the next ten minutes, before he waddled off, probably to pester some other poor unsuspecting student.

"Thanks." Sirius muttered out of the corner of his mouth. I merely scowled. It was alright for him, _he_ hadn't lost his house 5 points _and _been lectured by Flitwick on _his_ poor organisational skills, which were suddenly mine.

"'S'alright…" I murmured in reply, sliding further down in my seat. I shut my eyes for a few seconds. "Want to play hangman?"

"What?" Sirius asked me blankly.

"It's a muggle game." I sat back up in my seat and pulled a piece of paper out of my notebook. I wrote down the idea of the game, along with nine dashes for the nine letters of my word. I slid the note across the table and settled my gaze on the essay I was supposed to be starting on Jinxing charms and finishing for homework. Sirius got the hang of the game (no pun intended) and seemed to be enjoying himself.

"Give up?" I said, smirking at him, as I took in the unfinished word and the confused look on his face.

"Fine. What is it?"

"Infurarse." I stated proudly. Sirius looked at me oddly.

"That's not even a word."

"Sure it is…" I pretended. I hid my smirk and leant forward with a disbelieving expression upon my face, "Didn't you know that it was a word?"

"Of course I did!" Sirius exclaimed, rolling his eyes.

"Strange, as I just made it up." Ah ha! Was that a blush I spied on his cheeks? "Sirius, you really are an infurarse. A complete and utter infuriating arse."

-x-

"Hogsmeade trip, Hogsmeade trip!" Alice shouted at the top of her lungs, dancing crazily around the common room. I'd never seen her so… alive (I suppose that was one kind word for it). "It will be mine and Frank's first real date… I can't wait…"

She jumped onto the couch, lying across both Lily and myself and effectively squashing us as she did. She didn't seem to notice or care but was sighing dreamily to herself, thoughts of Frank still in her mind.

"A perfect opportunity to spend quality time with Sirius!" I faked giddy excitement and rolled my eyes. Just the thing I needed, of course. I usually liked Hogsmeade, but spending my Saturday with Sirius Black didn't seem quite as appealing as going to the three broomsticks with Brendan like I'd originally planned.

As if on cue Sirius appeared in the common room from the stairs that lead up to our dormitories. I watched him suspiciously, already making a mental note to go and make sure that he hadn't pushed the beds together again. "Hogsmeade weekend," I told him, a little too loudly, as we were at opposite ends of the common room. What! I couldn't be arsed to move from the couch… well, that and because I actually couldn't have moved under Alice's bulk even if I'd wanted to.

"Aww, Rosy, I look forward to it," He smirked over at me. He quite clearly knew I was stuck under Alice, hence the use of my hated pet name. I attempted to wriggle out of my position but succeeded in stabbing Lily in the eye with my quill instead. I glared at him. He waved sarcastically at me, before he shook his head and walked out of the portrait hole, probably to go and find a girl who wouldn't mind having a quickie in the nearest broom closet. I could tell the deprival in that department was already beginning to affect Sirius and I enjoyed taunting him about it. Served him right! If he wanted to wind me up, then he would have to accept that I would do the same back.

"I need to buy some new dress robes," Lily stated. She stopped struggling underneath Alice and rested her head in her arms on the armrest. "Green ones I think."

"You should," Alice agreed, nodding, "Green is _your_ colour."

"Really? What's mine?" I asked.

"You see, you're a strange one, you have two colours that I think would suit you…" Alice observed, putting on a wise tone of voice. "Red would definitely suit you and blue would too… which is strange because it doesn't seem obvious. This also refers to your life itself, you know, blue being the eye colour of Sirius and all-" She ducked away from my cushion and fell from the sofa.

"Look who's talking Miss it's-mine-and-frank's-first-date, cue dribbling from the mouth!" I got the cushion in the face for that comment. I glared at Alice and looked helplessly to Lily for some support.

"She's right, Ali," Lily agreed, grinning at Alice, "Sorry but you obviously fancy Frank."

"Says Lily Evans-Potter! No, don't fake that look of disgust, it's so obvious you're falling for him…" Alice said haughtily. Personally I had to disagree, as I was positive that Lily would rather marry Larry 'the octopus', a touchy feely seventh year in Hufflepuff, than even go on a single date with James Potter.

"You've definitely got that one wrong, there's no way that Lily will ever crush on James," I told her, snuggling further down into the cushions that lay on the sofa.

"But I see more than you do, dear Rosa, dear Lily, and I'm willing to bet five galleons that James and Lily will be dating before the year is out."

"Please! Rosa isn't going to bet on such a ridiculous-"

"Deal." I shook hands with Alice.

"Rosa!"

"What? I'm betting in your favour, aren't I?"

"Doesn't make it any better."

"Sure it does. The difference is that Alice will lose and I will win."

-x-

I had been looking for information on werewolves to complete a Defense Against the Dark Arts essay all day and there was nothing; everyone in my class had obviously decided to be more organised than myself and not leave their essay until a day before the due date and they had taken all of the suitable books out before I had even had a chance to start my homework.

"Hey. Rosa, isn't it?" I glanced up from another dead end of a book and was pleasantly surprised to see Mary standing in front of me… and my excitement didn't end there, oh no, because Mary was holding a book on the before and after effects on werewolf transformations in her arms!

"Mary! Hi!"

"You wouldn't happen to be looking for some books for the Defense essay, would you?"

"… Well, I wasn't specifically, just browsing you know, but… if you would know of any…"

"Yes, I would actually." Mary said, smiling at me. She handed me the book. "I finished my essay last week and I was returning it but I saw you looking and remembered that you were in my Defense class, so I thought you might need it."

"You are a lifesaver! Thank you so much!"

"No problem. Anyway, I have to go now. Bye."

"Mary!" I shouted after her. She stopped in the doorway and turned back around. "I would sit with you in Defense but unfortunately the project requires I sit with Sirius in all the classes we share, which basically means all of the lessons on my timetable."

"Nahh, don't worry about it. I'm sitting next to Remus Lupin; we get on well, he's really nice and… he's quite cute too, actually." I opened my mouth, ready to ask for her to explain, but Mary made sure to leave me lacking in information and made her quick escape before I could start any proper interrogating. Remus Lupin? He was one of the Marauders. He did seem nice; well, he was nowhere near as insufferable as James and Sirius and in my books that was good enough.

-x-

**Please R&R! **Sorry about the shortness but I was stuck for ideas. This is just a filler chapter. I hope you like it anyway.


	5. First Hogsmeade Trip

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N: **Argh! How do people manage to write so many author's notes and make them interesting? I'm sorry, readers, but I just don't know what to put in these notes… they seem, dare I say it… _pointless_. Ok, let's pretend I never said that and continue to read the story.

-x-

Hogsmeade trip, Hogsmeade trip; it was all everyone was talking about and more trouble than it was worth in my opinion. I scowled as yet another gaggle of giggling girls walked slowly past where the Marauders were sitting at the Gryffindor table, tossing their hair over their shoulders and batting their eyelashes in a way that made me feel physically nauseous. Honestly! Did they have no self-pride?! They could have been shouting "Shag-me-now-shag-me-now" at the top of their voices and managed to have been a hell of a lot subtler. Sirius must have caught me watching them and shouted over, "Not jealous are you, Rosa?"

"Oh no! Was it that obvious?" I pouted, sarcasm dripping from every decibel in my voice. The girls, obviously Martians (which would explain their attraction to Sirius) and therefore unable to understand sarcasm, all turned to glare at me… hmmm… time for me to make my escape… that girl nearest to Sirius was pointing her lip gloss at me in a most unsettling way… "Although I wish I could stay, I do have a village to visit. Bye."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Not that I was aware of."

Sirius rolled his eyes, "You can't leave Hogwarts without me beside you. McGonagall's taken over from Filch on register duty at the doors, so there's no way you'll get through."

"You're right," I cursed. I swung my bag over my shoulder. "Let's go then."

"Excuse me?"

"LET'S GO!" I repeated loud enough for the whole of the Great Hall to hear.

"Erm, no, I don't think so," Sirius smirked at me in that most annoying manner again, "You see, I don't feel like going to Hogsmeade yet. You'll have to wait until I'm ready to go."

"Err, no, I won't! You're coming!" I exclaimed angrily, taking a threatening step toward him.

"Strange because it doesn't look like I'm coming with you, does it?"

"Look… if this is about me not letting you use the dormitory door, which is only fair as it IS on my side of the room, then, well, you're being selfish-"

"I'm being selfish!" Sirius interrupted with disbelief.

"-Yes, you are and I don't see what your problem is; you seem to be getting on just fine using the window! So I really don't see why you have to take this out on me!" I finished my speech with a frustrated look on my face, my brown eyes darting back and forth from Sirius to my watch and back again. If we didn't hurry then not only would we miss a very much-needed Hogsmeade trip (my mother's birthday was approaching) but we'd also have a grade knocked off our project assessment. No, there was no way I was letting that happen, Sirius would go to Hogsmeade, even if it meant dragging him there myself.

"I'm. Not. Coming." Sirius announced simply. He swung his legs up onto the table and raised his eyebrows at me in a challenging way. Was Sirius actually _capable_ of talking to a girl without being a flirt?

"Yes. You. Are." I replied just as simply.

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"I'll do anything!"

Something about how Sirius sat up straighter at this comment and moved his legs off the table made me regret ever saying it. "Hmm, that sounds interesting…"

"No, it doesn't," I warned him, narrowed eyes now watching him. The crowd of girls were still hanging around but had stopped their insane giggling, thank Merlin, and were now leaning in to hear what Sirius would say. "I meant within reason and you know it."

"Of course I did, which is why I have a few reasonable things in mind. Give me a few days to think it over." The few days idea worried me slightly but I was really too glad knowing that I would be able to go to Hogsmeade and buy mum that new cooking book she wanted.

"So you'll come?"

"Yeah."

"Yay! Thank you!" I could have kissed him at that moment… then my senses returned and my stomach was back to churning at the thought of involving in any romantic activity with Sirius Black. I shuddered.

"Ok. Let's just get this over and done with as soon as possible." Sirius said in a bored manner, standing up and heading out into the entrance hall, not bothering to wait for me. The other Marauders did not notice their best friend's departure; James was too busy staring goo goo eyed at Lily, Remus was reading a book of some sort and Peter I doubted had enough brain cells to notice that he had his arm resting in some marmalade let alone the absence of one of his friends. I sighed and walked out of the Great Hall, ignoring the glares I received when I passed by the Marauder fan club.

-x-

"We'll go to the three broomsticks first." Sirius said. It was more of a statement than a question, so I thought better than to say anything in reply. He had been in a bit of a mood since we'd left the school and I had soon realised that it was best to leave him be. We walked down the street in an awkward silence. It felt strange not to be talking to him… we always talked, even if it _was_ just to insult each other…

I pushed the door open to the pub and held it open for Sirius. He brushed past me, not bothering to say thanks, and I glared after him. "Rosemerta!" I glanced over at the bar and saw the barmaid nod at Sirius and give him a warm smile over the tankard she was cleaning. He headed over to a table in the far corner of the pub and sat down, leaving me no option but to sit down opposite him. This wasn't how I'd wanted my Hogsmeade trip to be.

"Lily seems to be warming to James…" I said after a while, unable to bear the silence any longer. A smile appeared on Sirius' face at this comment.

"Really?"

"Yeah, 'course she is," I assured him, smiling myself, "Didn't you notice? She only hit James with her potions book half a dozen times yesterday, which is a whole two hits less than the day before, right?" Sirius rolled his eyes at this but he was still smiling which was something, I suppose.

The drinks were brought over and I couldn't help but snigger at Sirius' pathetic attempts to woo Rosemerta, who, being a barmaid, was obviously used to that sort of behaviour from her customers and merely shook her head with a smile when Sirius tried to throw her a chat up line. I was still laughing by the time she walked away.

Sirius scowled at me at first but his frown quickly changed into a sympathetic smile, "Still jealous then are we, Rosy?"

"It's Rosa and no," I snapped at him. I would have preferred to reply with an incredibly witty comment but was too peeved off about his use of my hated pet name to try and think one up.

"There's no need to pretend, Rosa," Sirius gave me a smug look from across the table, "It was inevitable. Every girl in Hogwarts loves me… who can blame them? I am the most desirable male in the school."

If he thought he was going to get away with that, then he was so wrong… "Actually, I quite like James." I said. I smiled innocently and took a small sip from my butterbeer, feeling the instant warmth spread throughout my body.

"Damn, its such a shame that you're married to me then, isn't it?" Sirius said back challengingly, "Must be hard not being able to ask him out-"

"-tell me about it! And sometimes the temptation to corner him in a deserted corridor and snog his face off is just too much!" Sirius was watching me closely, trying hard to keep the look of disgust about me cornering James from showing in his face. I smiled slyly. "You know, he would be so god damn good in bed… I can manage it now, the things he could do with his-"

"Ok! OK! I get it Rosa! You like James." Sirius interrupted, the disgust finally showing. He sat back in his seat and shook his head at me, before turning to look out of the window. "Hey… look! It's gay boy!"

I looked out of the window myself and saw who Sirius was staring at; Brendan. "That's my brother." I replied coldly.

"Should've guessed he was related to you."

"I'm warning you, Sirius, don't push me!"

"Oh, look he's coming in! He must have seen you, Rosa! How sweet for your sister- sorry, I mean, brother- to come and see you." I was about to reply when I noticed the person next to my brother, who was waving ecstatically over at us.

"Shit." I ducked under the table as fast as I could.

"What is it?" Sirius asked. He looked at me under the table and smirked.

"It's my mother; the embarrassment of my life."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	6. Hello, Mother In Law

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

XXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N: **Wow! 12 reviews for my last chapter! TWELVE!!! I am unbelievably happy… thanks to everyone who reviewed; I love you all so much! Help yourself to cyber ice cream and cookies and other edible delights… Sorry, this chapter is a bit rushed, so I may go back and edit it later this week…

-x-

"ROSA! DARLING!" Oh oh… too late. They'd spotted us.

"I think they've seen us," Sirius offered unhelpfully.

"No! Really? How many Rosas do you think she knows?" I hissed at him, still curled up on the floor, wishing that this whole disaster waiting to happen was a nightmare and not reality. Nope. This was one prayer god would not be answering. I slowly re-appeared from my hiding place and faked the fakest smile that Hogsmeade was ever to see.

"Mum. Hi." I said cheerily, glaring at my brother, who was smirking at me from the safety of behind my mum's back. My hand had now moved to hover uncertainly over my empty tankard… if the worst came to the worst, I would have to remove my mother from the pub with physical force and there was no way I was willing to do that unarmed.

"Ooh and who's this scrummy looking dish?" My mum asked and, being the married woman she was, batted her eyes at Sirius. I did NOT like the way she was pouting her lips… alarm bells were going off in my head… "No, don't tell me! Sirius, isn't it?!" What the- how did she know who he was? The penny dropped and my glare intensified, my eyes now narrowing at Brendan.

"Rosa's told me all about you!"

"She has?" Sirius asked, his eyes meeting mine. Alice was wrong… they weren't blue… more of a clear grey…

"I have?" I asked, feeling utterly lost and confused. I moved my gaze away from Sirius to my mum.

"Don't be so silly, Rosa," My mum said in a playful voice, giving me a gentle whack on the arm, whack being the key word. "We're amongst friends here! No need to be bashful… Rosa's quite taken by you, dear-"

"Mum-"

"Who can blame her-"

"Stop-"

"You are rather, hmmm, sexy-"

"STOP IT NOW." My blush had spread from my cheeks and now covered my entire face; knowing that I was blushing, only increased my embarrassment, and my blush grew until I could have roasted a marshmallow in the heat I was radiating. Lord, have mercy… I promise to be good for the rest of my life… never, ever steal my brother's eyeliner and try to pass it off as my own cheaper version again… speaking of brother's, how DARE Brendan disappear and leave me to handle mum all by myself!

"Oh, damn, there's no room for you to sit," I said loudly, my eyes widening at my mum. Maybe she would think we wanted time alone to snog or have sex or something, personally I didn't care as long as she left the pub instantly. I pushed my school bag further along my seat.

"Don't be silly, there's room next to Sirius-"

"-wait, look, there's loads of space next to me-" I squashed myself against the window.

"No need!" Mum exclaimed breezily. Sirius didn't stand a chance; he was pushed out of the way, as my mum sat down in alarmingly close proximity to Sirius. Silence. Well, this wasn't awkward at all…

"So… Sirius, tell me, what do you do for a living?" My mum asked, resting her chin in her hand and fixing Sirius with a flirty stare.

"Mum, that's my thigh."

"Sorry, dear! My hand must have… slipped…"

"Still my thigh, mum…"

"Ah, merlin, yes I really should ask the doctor for a higher dosage in those tablets I take for those _uncontrollable_ spasms I get in my hand…" Mum cleared her throat awkwardly. This wasn't happening to me, it wasn't. I turned to stare out of the window, muttering the words 'I am adopted, I am, I am' repeatedly under my breath.

"Brendan!" I almost cried with joy. I leapt out of my seat and threw my arms around my brother.

"Ow. Unnecessary. Public. Display. Of. Affection." Brendan said, prising me off him. He steered me back over to the table and pushed my back into my seat. "I bought you some ice-cream-"

"How thoughtful, darling," Mum interrupted, snatching my ice-cream bowl out of Brendan's slack grip. I began to growl. I loved strawberry ice cream! This wasn't fair in the slightest!

"Oh my god, what is she doing!" Brendan whispered in my ear. I looked over at mum and regretted it. She was now dipping her finger into the ice-cream and was making sure she… well, _exaggerated_… her licking of her finger.

"So how are you, **Mrs. **Willow?" Sirius asked and I gave him a grateful smile. Hopefully reminding mum that she was in fact married would help…

"Susie, please! No need to be on surname terms! Besides… I must admit that married life isn't as good as it seems to be-"

"I know." Sirius and I said glumly. We looked at each other and glared.

"-and our sex life has gone down hill tremendously-" Kill me now, "-that's why you saw me with the ann summer's bags-"

"What ann summer's bags?" That's right, Rosa, play dumb… good idea…

"You know, the ones with the sexy lingerie in-" Why aren't I dead yet?! "- anyway, that wasn't all they had in-" Please, don't tell me what else they had in… "-they also had a fabulously pink vibrator in-"

"MUM!" Brendan shouted at the top of his voice.

"Honestly, dear, must you be so immature when it comes to such matters! Anyway, this vibrator had brilliant reviews, so I simply HAD to buy it! Haven't you used one before? Surely you have, Rosa? What with all the boyfriends you've had!"

All eyes were on me. "Yes, surely you have tried a vibrator, Rosa!" Sirius smirked over at me, a mischievous glint now in his eyes.

"No, I haven't," I snapped angrily at him, "And I've only had two boyfriends, mother!"

"Really?"

"Yes!" Merlin, I wasn't some scarlet woman… "Fabio can hardly count if you were referring to him!"

"Don't be ridiculous, dear. You dated for five years. I was just waiting for the day when he proposed to you."

"Mum. I was six."

"Well, you can't wait too long for these things. Before you know it you'll be forty years of age; old, alone and childless."

"Suits me," I muttered to myself.

"What was that, Rosa?"

"Nothing, mum, nothing." I replied. Sirius was smiling at me now. Hmm, he sure did pick his moments to be nice carefully… I sighed but smiled back.

"So this will be boyfriend number six…" Mum said slowly, clearly counting back in her head.

"Number four, including Fabio," I corrected habitually. Sirius raised his eyebrow at me. "I mean, we're not dating… it's… erm, we're not even friends…"

"Exactly." Sirius agreed, speaking for what I thought to be the first time since mum had arrived in the pub. His hurried reassurance was a bit insulting if I were totally honest… I wasn't that bad, was I? Was I?

"Well, Rosa, Sirius, mum and I must go-"

"…thank god," was my murmured reply.

"No we don't, Brendan, we have all the time in the world-"

"-you're perfectly right but these two lovebirds-"

"We're not dating!" I shouted.

"-by themselves." Brendan finished, giving me a pointed look. Ah.

"Some time alone would be nice…" I added, slipping in a very non-subtle, unconvincing wink in Sirius's direction. Please let her buy it, please let her buy, a voice in my head pleaded.

"Wha—OH! OH! Riiight… I see what you, err, mean…" Mum gave Sirius a nudge with her elbow and wriggled her eyebrows about.

"I AM adopted." I stated confidently. It's only a matter of time before it comes true, surely, I thought to myself, God just must be quite busy at the moment… I'm sure he'll find time within the next week or two to grant my wish of discovering that I am actually adopted and of royal ancestry and allow me to take up my rightful position as queen of the whole world. Yeah and someone will call his or her child Urine… (**A/N:** All of you 'Have I Got News For You' viewers; I know! I couldn't believe someone actually named their child that!)

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	7. Boys Are Insensitive

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N**: Thank you to…**Sarah's Scribbles,** **Madpoet08, wishfuldreams11, Maraudess, x0xjames-galx0x, SerenityRose016, Jill BioSkop, Cassie93, Xx-I-Love-The-World-xX **and **bookworm2011 **for reviewing the 6th chapter of A Parental Guide. I love you all!

Thanks again to **Xx-I-Love-The-World-xX** and **Sarah's Scribbles**, my wonderful beta and my ideas person. (-Insert smiley face that does not work on fan fiction here-)

Oh and, before I forget, some people like to have an actress/singer/celebrity to help them picture what original characters look like in a fan fiction. If you want to keep your own vision of the characters or don't think the celebrities fit then that is fine. If you would like to see what I think Rosa looks like, remove the spaces within this link… (I shall post Brendan's picture next chapter)

Rosa: htt p://i mg221.images hack.u s/img221/6114/hproooosaxu7.jpg  
htt p://i mg266.images hack.u s/img266/9485/hprooosalk1.jpg

(Signatures made by myself)

-x-

Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back.  
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.  
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back,  
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl.

_Stupid Girls by Pink_

-x-

"_We're off to see the Wizard! The Wonderful Wizard of Oz! We hear he is a Whiz of a Wiz if ever a Wiz there was! If ever, oh ever, a Wiz there was, the Wizard of Oz is one because, because, because, because, because, beca-" _Sirius clapped his hand over my mouth.

"Must you sing that song?" He asked irritably. My smirk remained concealed behind his hand. I had been annoying him since we'd left the Three Broomsticks by singing songs from the Wizard of Oz at the top of my voice. He'd never actually seen the film (unbelievable, I know!) but I had a feeling that he was beginning to realise how truly annoying the soundtrack could be.

"Yes," My reply came out muffled but Sirius seemed to realise he was fighting a hopeless cause and stopped covering my mouth. I smiled and began singing again. Sirius groaned and clapped his hands over his ears.

"You know, if you didn't shout every song at the top of your voice, you wouldn't be all too bad at singing!" Sirius shouted over my screams of Somewhere Over The Rainbow.

"Where's the fun in that?" I shouted back. I suddenly caught sight of something at the end of the road. "HONEYDUKES!" I grabbed Sirius by the hand and rushed over to the shop window. I gazed longingly at the fizzing whizzbees that were flying in the display… they all looked so _good_… Sirius was standing beside me with an expression that would most probably have resembled my own. Ooh, one of the sour apple whizzbee was approaching me… it was staring at me through the glass that separated us… it was taunting me… I could almost hear its anguished cries of 'Eat me, Roooosa! Eaaaaat me!'

"Let's go inside the shop, instead of standing outside," Sirius suggested, quite intelligently for him.

I took a step back, "No, sorry, I can't."

"Why not?"

"I'm on a diet," I muttered, scowling. Sirius bit his lip, obviously trying not to laugh.

"Erm, what did you say?"

"I'm-on-a-diet!" I said through gritted teeth. Sirius fell into a fit of laughter. "What is so _funny_?!"

"You! On a diet! C'mon, Rosa, I've seen you at the Gryffindor table… you have enough food on your plate in one sitting to feed an army of hippogriffs!" Sirius said through his laughter. I glowered at him.

"I do not!" Sirius gave me a disbelieving look, "Ok, maybe I do but… that was the _old_ Rosa, now I'm the _new and improved_ Rosa!"

"I'll believe that when I see it," Sirius said.

"Well, you're seeing it! I've decided to go on a diet because if I don't I will turn into a gigantic ball of lard!" I said with as much determination as I could, considering that my eyes had returned to the Honeydukes' window display.

"There's nothing wrong with being curvy…"

"What did you just say?!"

"I called you curvy-" Sirius paused, noticing my expression, and did some fast thinking, "I mean, you have a lovely figure…"

"You called me curvy!"

"I didn't! It was that man over there!"

"No, it wasn't! Why did you call me fat?"

"Oi! You! Man over there!"

"I'm NOT fat!"

"Why did you call Rosa fat? Don't you walk away! See, Rosa, he is probably ashamed of what he did and realises that he was wrong…"

"I'm not fat, I'm not, I'm sure I'm not, oh my god I AM fat, I am fat, Nooo, I am fat…" I murmured in a hurried, anxious whisper. I wouldn't be long before my head to start twitching or one of my eyes to start blinking three times as fast as it usually did.

"Rosa! I didn't say you were fat!" Sirius exclaimed angrily, watching my nervous muttering with exasperation.

"YOU said I was curvy!" I replied indignantly.

"What's wrong with being curvy?"

"Curvy is just a kind word for fat," I huffed, folding my arms over my stomach and turning away from the shop window. "I'm size 10 for god's sake! I can't believe I didn't realise how fat I am…"

"Size 10?" Sirius stated in disbelief, "That's not fat!"

"Easy for you to say!" I retorted, "All the girls you dated were size 6! No wonder everyone thinks I'm fat! They heard about the project and you could tell that they were all thinking the same thing, '_God, she's so fat compared to those girls that the great Sirius Black dated.'_"

"Look, I give up, Rosa. You're not fat. I've told you that. I didn't say you were fat. I said curvy. But I'm going into Honeydukes and if you don't want to, then, well, it doesn't bother me." Sirius glared at me, before storming through the door and into the sweet shop. The door slammed behind him. I couldn't give up; I couldn't give into my sugar addiction; I couldn't buy some fizzing whizzbees and it was all my mother's bloody fault! I glared to myself, just thinking about her. First she embarrassed me in front of a packed pub, in which there were probably more than two dozen Hogwarts' students, then she tried to make a move on Sirius, someone whom she assumed to be my boyfriend, and then she decided it was only fair to point out how I seemed to be piling on the pounds and that perhaps I should stay away from cupcakes for the rest of my life. Mothers could sometimes be a right pain in the arse.

I gave up in the end. Standing outside the largest sweet shop for miles around had been killing me and I decided that I would just go in and see why Sirius was taking so long… but I lost control of myself; it was like someone else had gained control of me; and before I knew what was happening, I had bought a box of 12 packets of fizzing whizzbees, three ice mice and four jumbo sized chocolate frogs. I left the shop, accompanied by Sirius, who had bought twice as much as I had, not sure whether to grin sheepishly to myself or to be angry because Sirius _always_ turned out to be right.

-x-

"Task No.1: It is customary for newly weds to have other couples around for dinner parties and the such, so that they can discuss work, married life and plans for the future. Starting on Saturday, every couple shall take it in turns to host a dinner party. The first couple to do so will be Mr. Black and Miss. Willow." Lily finished reading the note aloud, folded it up and slid it back into the white envelope it had been delivered in. "Any questions?"

"I have one!" Sirius raised his hand. I rolled my eyes. If there was a person who couldn't understand a perfectly simple concept from the remaining couples, it was always Sirius.

"Yes?" Lily asked, annoyed.

"Why do me and Rosa have to go first?" Not a bad question…

"I… I don't know." Lily said, pulling the letter out of the envelope and re-reading it.

"Well, that's a first, "James muttered under his breath, causing a few of the other people in the room to chuckle appreciatively. Lily's head jerked up and she glared at James, who shrunk away like a scolded schoolboy. I laughed. Sirius and James glared at me. Lily glared at them. God, it was like an endless circle…

There were only six couples out of the remaining twelve left; Sirius and myself, Alice and Frank, James and Lily, (not a surprise as everyone knew Gryffindors were stubborn) Bellatrix and Lucius, Narcissa and Rodolphus (again not a surprise as everyone knew Slytherins would rather die than let the Gryffindors win) and finally Brendan and Mary. I know! You can imagine my shock when McGonagall announced that there would be two latecomers joining us, as the loss of seven couples had been far too many and the ministry needed an even number of couples doing the project.

Brendan and Mary were an odd couple: partly because my brother was indeed a cross-dresser and assumed to be gay but also because they were the only couple, where the husband and wife weren't in the same house. An additional couple added to our mayhem had been stressful at first but everything had returned to normal now. Mary had settled in fine and Brendan… well, once he had learned to stay out of the way of Sirius and the Slytherins and instead hang around with Lily, Alice, Mary and myself, also fitted in perfectly.

"Is there any more information? Like rules for the dinner parties or a criteria that each dinner party must fall under?" Mary asked a confused-looking Lily, who was still scanning the letter frantically for an explanation of why Hogwarts had chosen the order of the couples to do the task the way they had.

"Ahh, yes," Lily replied, relaxing immediately, "It says that the dinner must be cooked by the students themselves down in the kitchens, with no help what so ever from the house elves, who are only there to supervise and make sure that the couple does not start a fire and burn down the school."

Mary nodded slowly, while Sirius looked at me in horror. Dammit. I had been hoping he could cook, as I, myself, was hopeless at anything domestic-related. I could kiss goodbye to any such thoughts. Sirius must have realised that I also could not cook because he buried his face in his arms and muttered something about us being doomed to failure. He was probably right. We were doomed; great, another thing to add to the list of things that Sirius Black was right about. Damn him!

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	8. First Cookery Lesson

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N**: Thank you to… **Cassie93, Indigo Meow, Sarah's Scribbles, wishfuldreams11, Nicoley1170-LadyBlueMartini** and **madpoet8 **for reviewing the 7th chapter of A Parental Guide. I love you all!

Thanks to **Xx-I-Love-The-World-xX** and **Sarah's Scribbles**, for editing and helping me with the ideas and plot for this story.

Sorry. This is quite a short chapter again but please do review. The reason for the shortness this time is because my mother recently went into hospital and I'm staying at my grandmother's, where I have no access to a computer.

-x-

"Does Miss Rosa require anything else?" The house elf stared up at me with an almost reproachful look in its large brown eyes. I silently shook my head. She, I could only guess that it was a girl, pushed the food she'd been searching for for the past half hour into my hands, smiled and returned to her duties. I watched her walk away, puzzled. How the house elves could manage to… well, be house elves was something that I could never understand.

I shifted the ingredients in my arms so that the teacup handle was no longer jutting into my side and slowly made my way over to the waiting work surface. I dropped the food onto the table, clumsily, even for me, and winced as the eggs fell and smashed on the immaculate, white floor. If it had been in my mother's kitchen, I wouldn't still be standing; I'd be dead and buried, five feet under the rose bush in our front garden, alongside Flipper, our long ago deceased family gold fish. But the house elves… they just took it all in their stride and if anything, _they_ were apologetic to _me._ "There's no need to say sorry," I said, but the house elves didn't take any notice. They were still babbling their 'so sorry, miss Rosa's when Sirius arrived a good five minutes later.

"Oh my god, you've brain-washed them." Sirius exclaimed in mock-horror. He watched the house elves running around me, chanting their sorrys like they were Hell Marys, with an amused expression.

"You're so hilarious," I said sarcastically. I picked up some of the ingredients and shoved them into his chest. "YOU can start preparing the mashed potato."

"Did you know that you're bossier than my mother?" I made an indignant sound and stomped back over to my work surface. I began to chop the green beans with vigour, narrowly missing my fingers, cursing Sirius Black and his stupid ways under my breath.

"What are we making?" He couldn't keep his mouth shut, even for a second, could he?

"Sunday dinner," I replied, giving him a 'you're-so-dumb' look.

"But it's a Saturday," Sirius retorted.

"Your point is?"

"Well, you can hardly cook a Sunday dinner-"

"I repeat: Your point is?"

"Surely it would have to be a Saturday dinner then…"

"FINE!" I snapped, flinging my arm in the air. I shrieked and only just had time to move my fingers out of the way, as the knife flew from my hand and lodged itself firmly in the wooden table. "It's a SATURDAY dinner, that will be remarkably similar to a Sunday dinner and therefore common sense would require that it keep the same name but nooo! Why should we listen to common sense when we can listen to the great Sirius Black? I'm so sorry, Sirius, I didn't realise that you were the one who decided what we were cooking. In fact, I seem to remember you forfeiting that chance by making another of your smart remarks about how women belong in the kitchen and that cooking and cleaning are the sole reasons for our existence!"

"OK! OK!" Sirius shouted over my angry babbling. He reached past me and pulled the knife out of the table. He glared at me but stayed standing next to me, as he read through the recipe.

"You have to boil the potatoes for 20 minutes. Then you have to peel them and mush them up." I explained, my finger following the lines with the instructions for cooking the potatoes.

"Mush?" I picked up the fork and mimed mushing the imaginary potatoes.

"Why don't we use packet mash potato?"

"Because packet mash potato tastes like cardboard and looks like plastic." I said through gritted teeth. "Look, I told you! You lost the right to question me when you made that clever remark of yours! Just take the new potatoes, fill a saucepan with water, start to boil them and don't set the school on fire! It's not like to requires any of your limited brain power!"

"This is coming from the girl, who's last attempt at cooking ended with two people spending the night in St. Mungos!" Sirius said, crossing his arms and smirking at me.

"That- It- Not- Who told you about that?!"

"I have my sources…"

"I'm going to kill Brendan! It was his fault, not mine! I was only 9!"

"And yet, for some strange reason, your mother hasn't let you near a cooker since," Sirius remarked, a smug look on his face. He turned away from me, still smirking, his eyes back on the recipe book. His hair fell into his face and he did that annoying thing that I've seen James do so many times… he ran his fingers through his hair. I shuddered.

"You turn into James-" Thank goodness Lily wasn't there, "-more and more everyday."

Sirius didn't seem sure how to take this but his pea-sized brain eventually seemed to take it as a compliment. He smiled at me. I growled. He insulted me so often and half of the time, I couldn't think of any strikingly brilliant comment to say back, and when I DID insult him, he either misinterpreted it or came up with an even better insult to throw back. Maybe his brain wasn't so small… after all, something had to fill that overly large head of his.

-x-

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D BE SO STUPID!" I screamed at Sirius. He swore at me. I pushed past him and shoved a saucepan under the cold water tap.

"Rosa," Sirius was shouting as he tried to control the flames that were threatening to engulf the oven. Black clouds of smoke were billowing in the air; coughs were racking through my body, as I held a hand to my streaming eyes. It was Sirius' turn to push past me. He turned the tap off, grabbed a tea towel and threw it over the flames. The flames died down so fast that I would have doubted there had ever been an accident in the kitchen if I hadn't witnessed it myself.

"Putting water on fire would only have made it worse, you know," Sirius said angrily. That was it.

"There wouldn't have BEEN a fire if you'd been paying attention to your cooking!" I said back, equally as angry. We glared at each other. "Look, there's no point in arguing. We should be thinking about what we're going to do about this dinner we're supposed to be hosting."

"Well, you can think about it by yourself…" Sirius announced, whipping off his apron and throwing it down on the counter.

"Excuse me?" My ears had to be deceiving me. I gawped at Sirius, as he brushed past me and headed straight for the door. "Where are you going?!" My voice had gone all high-pitched in the panic of being left in a kitchen with only the crazy house elves for company.

"You heard, Rosa. I'm going. Sort the dinner out yourself." He called back over his shoulder.

"You can't do this!" I shouted after him.

"I think I just have…"

"Sirius! Come back! Sirius! SIRIUS!" My shouts were unheard, as Sirius rounded the corner and disappeared totally from view. Oh god. _What was I going to do!_

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	9. Lily's Prized Shampoo

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N**: Chapter. Here. Author's Notes aren't what I'd call uncomfortable; I just don't know what to put here! Sorry guys! Any ideas for what I could put in my author's notes are welcomed.

-x-

"Rosa! Calm down!" Lily tried to reassure me, grabbing me by the arms, "Right, breathe. What happened?!"

It only took those few seconds for my panic to return, "Oh-my-god-Sirius-left-me-and-we-had-an-argument-the-food-the-dinner-won't-be-ready-I-can't-cook-I-hate-Sirius-Black-why-me-I-don't-like-potato-do-you-like-potato-oh-god-oh-god-oh-god-"

"You and Sirius had an argument?" Lily repeated slowly, as if trying to process this information.

"Yes! We had an argument!" I said, losing my patience, "What is so hard to believe about that? We argue everyday!"

"I know, I know, sorry, just don't take your bad mood out on me… look, when did he leave?" Lily asked me in a voice that I was sure she used whenever she talked to pre-school children. I glanced anxiously at my watch.

"About an hour ago-" I guessed. I glanced back up at Lily, who was now staring at me in horror. "What?"

"The one hour rule!"

"The what?" The annoyingly superior look she was giving me was like the thing she knew was the most obvious thing in the world.

"You and Sirius are only allowed to be apart from each other for less than an hour," Lily explained and a siren seemed to go off inside of my head.

"We're dead." I cried, burying my face in my hands and imagining McGonagall's face when she found out that Sirius and I had broken one of the project rules. There was no way she'd give us an A,,, an O… oh, whatever the top mark was!

"You're dead." Lily admitted.

"We're going to get an F!" I wailed.

"Or a T," Lily said.

"A T?" I replied in disbelief.

"Yes. Troll. It's said no-one in the history of Hogwarts has had a piece of homework graded T." Lily informed me intelligently.

"How do you know that?" I asked, bewildered.

"A little thing called _Hogwarts: A History_," She told me. I laughed; then realised she wasn't joking.

"I really should read that book some time-" I said, concealing my smile.

"-you should." Lily agreed, perfectly serious, half-glaring at me.

"ANYWAY… back onto my nightmare of a life… what am I going to do?!" I said anxiously.

"Rosa?"

"WHAT!"

"You're running your fingers through your hair again…" Lily said, eyeing my offending hand reproachfully.

"AHH!" I yanked my hand away from my head as fast as I could, which turned out to be a big mistake as my hair was a mess of tangles from the raking of my fingers continuously through it. "OW!"

Lily rolled her eyes at me and begun the long process of untangling my fingers from the rebellious, and now tangled, frizz that was my hair. "So what are you going to do?"

"Well, I guess I'll just go on with the dinner without him-"

"The dinner?" Lily raised her eyebrows at me, "You're not honestly still thinking about doing it?"

"Of course I am," I replied, "Duh!"

"Rosa, you need to go and apologise to McGonagall right now! You've broken one of the most important rules of this project. She'll want to know."

"What's the point? I'll be punished either way…"

"Yes but better for you to go and apologise and, to be frank, grovel at her feet for forgiveness about the mistake than to wait for her to come and 'hunt' you down; being forced to look for you all around Hogwarts will only make McGonagall even more mad." Lily said and, although she was lecturing me, I could surprisingly see an ounce of sense in what she was saying.

"Ok, ok, I'll do it," I grumbled. Lily didn't appear convinced. "No, I will. I'll go have a shower, freshen up a little bit so that I can make a better impression and then go to her office and tell her about the dinner-"

"and-"

"-AND the breaking of the rule. Satisfied?" I took her silence as a yes and headed up to the dormitories without another word.

So I had my nice relaxing shower, being sure to use up all of the overly-priced shampoo that Lily had spent weeks saving up and had been stupid enough to leave lying on my bed **and** all of the hot water. I did feel a teensy bit guilty after doing both of these things, as Lily was now a close friend and she did consider that bottle of shower gel to be one of her most prised possessions and because although I did dislike Sirius very much, I didn't think anyone deserved to have a shower in freezing cold water.

I sat on my bed, drowning in self-pity for what Sirius and Lily would do to me when they found out about my terrible sins. Wait; maybe I wasn't doomed to an eternity of slave labour in hell after being murdered by both Sirius and Lily in turn… maybe they needn't ever find out about the shampoo and the hot water… unless…

I was just contemplating on how I could blame all of the mishaps on James Potter when suddenly there was a loud pop. Yes, a loud pop. I am ashamed to admit that I did scream something along the lines of 'THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!'' but then so would you when the you're sitting on your bed in your dormitory, wearing a towel, still dripping wet from the shower, when a deafening pop (well, I say pop but it was more like a rumble…) shakes the whole room and the room slowly begins to fade in front of your eyes.

My first thoughts, after my world ending theory, were that I was suffering premature blindness but all such thoughts were abandoned when, suddenly, the room came back into focus; except, I wasn't in my dormitory anymore… I was in an office… oh shit. Things didn't get much worse than standing in the middle of McGonagall's office, creating a large puddle on the floor (NO, I hadn't peed myself!), while the said teacher glared at you from over the top of her desk and Sirius Black fell about in hysterical laughter, after hearing you scream 'the world is ending' at the top of your voice.

There were only two words that could sum up this whole situation… "Fuck me." Hmm… maybe I shouldn't have said them out loud…

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	10. Valued Bonding Time

A Parental Guide

By Miss Willow

A.k.a

xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

**A/N**: I got a fair few reviews for the last chapter (thank you!) and I now have 98 reviews! (I know I can't believe it either!) C'mon on people! Make it 100! The 99th and 100th reviewers… and anyone else after that (lol) will be the owners of my life! I know there are people who are reading this story and not reviewing and I just want to say PLEASE do review because without your reviews I can sometimes lack the drive or inspiration to write the next chapter of this story, so it really is important that you do. Thanks guys.

-x-

"Miss Willow," Professor McGonagall greeted coldly, as my cheeks burned with the shame I was feeling.

"H-h-hello Professor," I stammered, trying my hardest to ignore the sound of Sirius' laughter in my ears… naturally, I was failing miserably. I didn't know what to do with myself; apologise, act like nothing was happening, sit down next to Sirius… I doubted I could even manage the latter, considering that I couldn't bear to look him in the eye.

"Sit." I sank into the chair next to Sirius, whose laughter was beginning to subside, though from the sneak glance I'd taken he was wiping away tears. That bastard. "From the state of undress of both of you-"

"Why aren't you wearing a shirt?" I blurted out, looking over at Sirius accusingly. I'd only just noticed that his rather muscular chest was in fact on view… what? I can hate a guy and admire his perfectly chiselled chest too! He raised an eyebrow at me. "It was a rhetorical question."

"Rhetorical or not, I believe I should be asking the questions here!" McGonagall said, nostrils flared. "You have broken two of the project rules tonight-"

"One actually, Professor," Sirius corrected and I had a feeling he was acting like a smart arse on purpose.

"- I can count, thank you Mr. Black, and there are 2 rules that have been broken. First, you spend more than an hour away from each other's company and then you arrive in such a state of undress that I cannot do anything _but_ assume that you were in the middle of sexual-"

"What?" I interrupted, "I am NOT responsible for his lack of clothing!"

"Exactly, Professor, I undressed myself; Rosa was already in the shower," Sirius said, smirking, draping his arm over the back of my chair.

"No, no," I tried to explain, shaking my head frantically. Oh my god, WHY was Sirius doing this?! It wasn't that I was particularly bothered about McGonagall writing to my parents (Dad was hardly someone to be scared of and Mum would be congratulating me) but I did not want teachers thinking that I was some sort-of _scarlet woman_. "I haven't seen Sirius since-"

"We had a wild romp in the shower…"

"Precisely," I nodded. Then realised what he'd said. "No! We didn't- I wouldn't- I'm only 17!"

"Then why are you only wearing a towel?" Professor McGonagall demanded to know.

"WHY is it such a crime to be wearing a towel in my own dormitory?" I scoffed, forgetting who I was talking to, "Would you prefer that I wasn't wearing one instead?"

"Hell yeah!"

"Mr. Black! Such blatant disregard for the respect of teachers will not be tolerated by myself nor any other Hogwarts professor." McGonagall declared angrily.

"But-" I persisted,

"No."

"I-"

"No."

"Why-"

"No."

"Prof-"

"No."

"You-"

"No."

"I-"

"No."

"Sirius-"

"No."

"Pl-"

"Erm, maybe you should just stop talking," Sirius suggested unhelpfully, his arm still lying annoyingly on the back of my chair.

"Maybe you should be trying to get us out of this mess!" I retorted, my eyes anywhere but on his chest.

"Me? I'm not the one in a towel!"

"No, you're the one topless!"

"Been looking have you?"

"No," I said, lying through my teeth.

"ENOUGH!" McGonagall shouted, making me jump; I had to grab Sirius' arm to stop myself from toppling backwards over my chair. I'm _sure_ it's not normal for someone to be so jumpy… maybe I should go to the hospital wing after all this… hey, if I waited until tomorrow morning, I could miss Potions… good thinking, Rosa, good thinking… "MISS WILLOW!" I jumped again,

"Yes?"

"Are you listening to me at all?"

"… Yes."

"What was I just saying?"

"You know, funny story… I was sitting here, minding my own business, hanging onto every word you said so that I could use your priceless advice in later life, when a hippogriff flew by the window and… erm… offered me a… rainbow coloured doughnut… at a very erm… cheap… price…" I faltered; there was no way that McGonagall was going to believe that a hippogriff would be flying around Hogwarts!

"You mean you weren't listening?"

"No, no! I was but then the hippogriff came…" I stopped and bit my lip, "… a-and I wasn't listening."

"I thought so," McGonagall sighed heavily. She was massaging her temple in the way that teachers do when they're wondering why on earth they ever chose to take their particular career path. She didn't seem to know what to do with us; can't say I would have known either in her shoes. She looked up at us and surveyed us with an intimidating look… well, it intimidated me, anyway, "Give me your hands."

"Erm, Professor, harming students is against the law," Sirius said, smirking, and I closed my eyes, unable to believe how much of an idiot he truly was; it was like he wanted us to get detention!

"Give. Me. Your. Hands." I looked anxiously over at Sirius, whose cool exterior seemed to be wearing off fast. Hesitantly, I placed my hand, palm way up, on the wooden desk. It took Sirius a little longer but he eventually put his hand down too. "_Cojoinmanus!_"

I jerked my head away; my eyes squeezed shut and flinching. Whoever said I was over-dramatic? I waited… and waited… and nothing happened. I opened my eyes a fraction. That was weird; no head-splitting pain…

"Phew, that was a close one," Sirius let out a shuddering breath and his cocky smile returned. Unfortunately.

"OH SWEET GODRIC!" I shrieked, completely missing what Sirius had just said, my eyes beginning to widen with fear.

"What?"

"Look! Look at our hands!" Sirius gave me a puzzled look, before glancing down at the table.

"WHAT THE FUCK!"

"MR. BLACK!"

"What have you done to us?!" Sirius asked in horror, staring at our linked hands with disbelief.

"It's only temporary," McGonagall stated lightly, getting to her feet and sweeping the papers off her desk and into her arms. She walked over to the filing cabinet and began to sort them into their appropriate drawers… she was doing all this so calmly, yes, CALMLY… you see the thing you have to bear in mind here is that I had just had my hand magically bound to the hand of one of the people I disliked most in this world by a professor, who thought I had just had sex with said hated person. Hmm, so you can probably imagine how I was feeling at that moment in time.

"What? You're joking, right?" I said, a shrill laugh some how managing to escape my lips.

"Why on earth would I be joking, Miss Willow?"

"Because you have to be!" I exclaimed, the desperation beginning to kick in, "You CAN'T leave me stuck to him!"

"It's only for 24 hours and I believe that it is the appropriate punishment when it comes to this particular rule breaking," McGonagall replied. There was a definite threat in her voice.

"Appropriate punishment?" Sirius joined in, moving his chair closer to mine, "This is ridiculous!"

"Thank you!" I agreed.

"I've heard all I have to hear. Detention to both of you." McGonagall declared.

"Does this mean you'll unlink our hands?" Sirius asked hopefully.

"NO!" Wow, I'd never seen a teacher looking so pissed before.

"It was worth a try," I muttered to Sirius out of the corner of my mouth.

"You will both be serving your detention tonight in the astronomy tower. It is now 7:30pm, so I expect you to have all four walls and the floor sparkling clean by 8:30pm."

"You want us to clean the _entire_ astronomy tower in an hour?!?!"

"Without magic." When McGonagall pointed out this very, very big problem., I almost fainted.

"We're doomed!" I wailed in despair.

"It could be worse," said Sirius.

"HOW?" I exclaimed, "HOW exactly could it be worse? You're not the one who has to parade around school in a towel!"

"True but those are the consequences you must pay for your glorious shag…" Sirius shook his head in mock disappointment.

"I did not shag you! I didn't shag anyone but if I was going to shag someone it would certainly not be you!" I shouted, glaring at Sirius, all traces of humour that I may have been feeling about the whole towel situation long gone. I was sick of being blamed for things that weren't my fault; no, in fact, I was sick of being blamed for things that were _Sirius Black's_ fault. I was not going to put up with it any longer… as soon as this detention was over and done with, the sooner I could decide the best way to get my revenge.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	11. Detention, Dearest Rosa

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Sorry for the slow update but my computer recently crashed and I may need a new one. If I don't need a new one, all the files will probably have to be wiped from the system, so, as I don't trust floppy disks and memory sticks are too powerful for my computer, I spent an hour or so writing this chapter out into my notebook last night. Now I'm typing it back up. Dedication, eh?

-x-

We walked down the corridor, hand in hand, like romantic couples do… except Sirius and myself would have to be doing this for the next 24 fricking hours and, believe me, there was NOTHING romantic about it whatsoever.

"You are such an idiot," I heard Sirius mutter, "Do you know why?"

"No, but I have a feeling you're going to tell me," I said, rolling my eyes.

"What sort-of person has a shower in the evening?" This stopped me in my tracks, causing Sirius to stumble into me. He cursed loudly.

"Err, try normal people?"

"Normal people have showers in the morning!"

"Don't be ridiculous, if everyone did that then they'd all be late for class…" I trailed off. Suddenly everything made sense. "Ah. You see, I just thought it was a coincidence that I was ready for first period while everyone else was still in bed but now I know the real reason. The epidemic that has been sweeping across Hogwarts; the craze of the morning showers!"

Sirius caught my eye and laughed. I turned away, hiding my own smile. "Fancy taking that shower then? After all, why be punished for something we didn't do?" I raised my eyebrows at this and all Sirius could do was wink at me. The cheek of some people, eh?

"Ooh, yes, I'm just _dying_ to become one of your tarts!" I squealed, clapping my hands in mocking joy. Pur-lease! I wasn't a blonde bimbo! I was a brunette!

"Nahh, c'mon Willow, you know you are the only one for me…" Sirius cooed, fluttering (yes, FLUTTERING) his eyelashes at me.

"What about that broom cupboard girl?" I asked, not budging from my stance of maturity. I was cool. Cool as a cucumber. I've never for the life of me figured out why people say that. I mean it's such a ridiculous thing to say! Since when were cucumbers cool? Sure, they sat in a fridge for hours on end, which had to be pretty chilly, but why would anyone want to compare themselves to a cold vegetable?

"Well, I wasn't planning on doing her again but if you want her to join in too, then that's fine with me." Sirius said in a suffering tone, acting like he was some heroic survivor of a world war, like it was a torture to be having sex in a shower with two women at once. Yeah right, I knew how guys minds worked; ok, so my brother was gay but my parents were at it like bunnies day and night and I'd learnt a lot about my dad's (and every man's) twisted fantasies from my mother's step-by-step recall of their latest shag the morning after. Woman on woman action; the dream of every man alive, according to my mother, who had, apparently, experienced such a thing first hand (as if I wasn't already scarred for life).

"McGonagall won't know if we finish cleaning the astronomy tower a few hours late," Sirius tried to persuade me (didn't he realise he was fighting a losing battle?!) by draping an arm around my shoulders and pushing me against the wall behind us. He really knew how to treat a girl; that was for sure. Saying that there was a part of me that couldn't help but feel… _tempted_? Gahh! I know! I hated myself for it! But it was solely because he was the hottest guy in school and because any other girl in Hogwarts would have died to find herself in my position.

"We should get going," My throat unstuck itself and I was about to wipe my now clammy hands on my robes when I realised that Sirius' hand was currently stuck to mine and therefore he could already feel all the discomfort I was really. Shit. I determined that I would avoid all unnecessary eye contact with him from now on.

"What's your hurry?" Sirius asked, moving to block my way, "We have the entire night to do whatever we want, wherever we want, HOWEVER we want-"

"Ok, too much detail!" I cut in, one hand clamped over my ear, the other hand still entwined with Sirius'. I tried to block my remaining ear with the undiscovered psychic powers of my mind; unsurprisingly, it didn't work. Being pinned against a wall by one Sirius Black, wearing only a white towel, was nothing something I enjoyed. _Really._

"You know you want to, Rosa."

"No, I don't!"

"Then why are you blushing?"

"It's… a… condition," I said lamely. I couldn't even lie under pressure! What the hell was wrong with me!

"You look pretty when you blush. You turn the exact shade of my Gryffindor tie." Sirius said and I would have believed his sincerity if it weren't for the smirk that was playing on his lips. If Sirius thought I would be flattered by this comment then he was most definitely wrong; I groaned, my blush deepening, and tried my hardest to blend in with the stonewall. I tried to ignore the fact that I could see his very muscular chest through his white shirt and instead worked on making sure that my legs didn't crumple beneath me. Sirius bit his lip and I held my breath, wincing as he stepped closer.

You won't believe what happened next; what that bastard, Sirius Black, did next. He laughed. Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, he _laughed_. "Oh Merlin! I can't believe you fell for that!" He exclaimed and that Satan given, triumphant, annoying smirk finally showed. "You actually thought I fancied you, didn't you?"

"… No."

"Ok, sure you didn't… but that was an absolute classic," Sirius said, straightening up, his body moving away from mine and I tried not to feel disappointed. He looked at me in an amused way and began to laugh again, leading me in the direction of the astronomy tower. All I could do was let out a strange, high-pitched note from my mouth, my attempt at laughing along with him, as I tried to ignore my heart pounding inside of my chest and my shaking legs.

-x-

"Oh my god, what are you doing here?" I gawped at my brother, who was standing in front of me wearing a fur jacket (ten times too small after been purposely shrunk in the wash), a black shirt with jeans and a white top that looked suspiciously like the one I'd bought from Diagon Alley the week before.

"I could ask you the same thing," Brendan exclaimed, taking in my state of undress with horror in his green eyes. It was then that he noticed who was standing behind me. "ROSA-MARIA!" Brendan shouted. Looking furious, he whipped off his jacket and attempted to cover me up. We exchanged looks, before looking down at the item of clothing that failed to cover even part of my chest. Brendan glared at me, like it was somehow my fault, and grabbed my arm, pulling me behind him. Of course, Sirius was forced to follow.

"WHY ARE YOU HOLDING HANDS?!" Brendan shouted again. The expression of pure horror returned.

"Because we're madly in love and have been shagging in your dormitory whenever you are out," Sirius said, keeping a straight face. I glared at him, as Brendan started gasping for breath, seemingly unable to breath properly after hearing such scarring words.

"Relax! It's our punishment," I explained, shooting Sirius another filthy look, "McGonagall has joined us at the hand until this time tomorrow. It's to teach us a lesson."

"ZOMG!"

"Bloody drag queen…" Sirius muttered a little too loudly.

"SIRIUS!"

"BITCH!"

"BRENDAN!"

"WHAT?! HE STARTED IT!"

"How did you manage to get detention anyway?" I asked, quickly changing the topic.

"Throw Peeves a dozen sickles and he'll do anything," Brendan replied coolly, examining his polished fingernails with a critical look.

"What? You got detention on PURPOSE?" I almost fainted. This information was too much for my usually sensible and rational mind to handle. How could someone actually want to get detention!

"Yeah but it's no biggy," My brother replied, shrugging casually, "I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for them lot." He jerked his thumb behind him and there was a sudden roar as three people jumped out of the shadows, nearly giving me a heart attack. I'm ashamed to admit that I did scream and, yes, I did hide behind Sirius, who didn't so much as blink at the sudden surprise. He looked pityingly at me, shook his head and dragged me over to the new arrivals.

"Remus!" Sirius greeted, grinning from ear to ear at the sight of one of his best friends. Remus Lupin- the only slightly sensible Marauder who had more than an ounce of common sense. Remus grinned back at him.

"Rosa!" I screamed (again) and turned around to face Mary with my face the colour of a beetroot.

Then there was Peter. Poor Peter. He was the only person who hadn't got a warm welcome and he was now standing by himself, hovering toward the back of the room, probably wishing he hadn't come out of the shadows. Mary must have been thinking along the same lines as I was. "PETER!" She suddenly screamed, throwing herself at Peter and flinging her arms around his shoulders. A confused Peter looked at me as if to say 'is she like this all the time?'. I grinned sheepishly in reply.

"So, what are you lot doing here?" I asked no-one in particular.

"Well, she-" Brendan started, pointing vaguely in the direction of Mary, "- realised that you had disappeared from your dormitory and then Lily came and told us that you and Sirius had got a detention and weren't going to be able to make the dinner party. Mary then tried to persuade me to go with her and look for you two and leave Lily and James with some 'alone time'. I didn't want to go because I had just started doing my pedicure and frankly I couldn't really be arsed but then Mary pointed out that Alice and Frank wouldn't be at the dinner party, so I'd be acting like a third wheel, and that without you two there'd be no dinner and, well, that did it for me." Brendan finished his speech, after spending most of it staring over at Peter and Mary with a look that I knew all too well.

"Oh. My. God." I gasped loudly.

"What? How can anything be shocking to you when you're wearing a towel?!" Brendan said snappily, eyeing my clothing (or lack of) with distaste once again. I rolled my eyes at this and pulled him further away from the group, dropping my voice to a whisper so that Sirius wouldn't be able to eavesdrop.

"You like Peter!"

"Ew! God No! You give me no credit!" Brendan shuddered in exaggeration, "No, I like Mary, not him!"

That was it. I had all the proof I needed to now prove that I was in an alternate universe. A universe where Brendan was a cross-dresser but NOT gay, where a teacher tied me to the hand of a hot guy as punishment and where my feelings for Sirius were increasingly worrying me. "WHAT!" I hissed back at him. If the worst came to the worst, I'd have to use physical violence to get him back to normal. "Brendan, you've got to be kidding. You wear women's clothes, for heaven's sake!"

"And? Your point is?"

"No girl in their right mind would date you; not when you like to dress up as Barbie and have more fashion sense than half the female population put together!"

"Mary doesn't mind. She finds my make-up and my clothes… how did she put? _Alluring_." Brendan announced, looking smugly at me.

"God, you're worse than Sirius." That wiped the smile off Brendan's face. Before he could demand to know what I meant by my last comment, Mary, god bless her, came to my rescue.

"I think we should all start our detention," Mary declared, over the top of everyone's conversations. Everyone agreed (grudgingly) and everyone was divided into pairs and assigned to one of the three walls of the astronomy tower. Unfortunately for me, that meant being stuck with Sirius. We were both joined at hand and unable to separate, so Mary, rather bossily taking chare, decided it would be easier if we just worked on the same wall.

The astronomy tower, being in the highest turret of the castle, is the coldest room in Hogwarts. Now, that combined with my wet hair, my lack of clothing and Sirius' purposeful splashes of water in my direction meant that I was almost one hundred percent positive that I was going to keel over and die from the cold within the next twenty minutes or so.

"This is hell," I complained, slumping against the wall and giving up all hope of survival.

"Hey, Rosa, I'm cold, mind lending me your towel?" Sirius asked, smirking suggestively. The look on my face must have said it all… either that or Sirius had caught sight of Brendan, who was cleaning the wall next to ours, and looked like a sabre-toothed tiger, ready to pounce on Sirius for even daring to be within a metre of me in a towel.

I wrung my sponge out and peered into our bucket, wrinkling my nose. The water had turned a murky brown colour and green bubbles were popping on the surface. "Should we really be cleaning the wall with dirty water?" I said, looking at Sirius, after giving the bucket another reproachful glance. Sirius frowned and also looked at the bucket.

"Looks fine to me," He replied. I decided it was best not to say anything, picked up my sponge and began the wall again, this time edged away from Sirius as far as my arm would let me without snapping in two.

-x-

**Please R&R!**

6


	12. Oh Shower Curtain!

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Wow. I must be psychic. Seriously. I'm not joking at all when I say that after I wrote out the last chapter and I turned the computer off, the next day the computer stopped working altogether and had to have (surprise surprise) all its files wiped. I'm so lucky, especially because there was another chapter that is quite important for later on in the story that I'd written and luckily, my wonderful beta (Xx-I-Love-The-World-xX), had it saved on her computer. Anyway, enough chit chat; here's chapter 12.

OH and I'd like to say thanks to Nina (XxGryffindor-GirlxX), my cousin and 'my inspiration', because without her, I wouldn't have regained my muse and finished this chapter.

-x-

I had a strange dream at night. I was sitting alone in a Transfiguration classroom, dressed in a red jump suit, facing Professor McGonagall, who was wearing a fluorescent pink witch's hat and glaring at me. Suddenly she began to speak but the words didn't come from her mouth but instead from the rim of the hat. McGonagall/hat said that due to unfortunate circumstances everyone had Hogwarts had died and for my own safety, I was to be kept prisoner and to be a slave for the pink hat and the Hogwarts house elves for the rest of my life. The elves appeared and demanded that I go outside and roll around in some mud and then serve myself to the Whomping Willow for its dinner. Then Lily's ghost appeared and started shouting at me, telling me that she couldn't believe I'd used all her shampoo and how without the shampoo she hadn't been able to go to heaven within everyone else and was doomed to hell.

Then suddenly a Hufflepuff ran toward me on all fours and sunk its teeth into my arms and tried to drag me down the hall. I began to scream and before I knew it I was falling... falling...

"GOD DAMMIT ROSA WAKE UP!"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!"

"ROSA! GET OFF ME!"

"I DON'T WANT THE WHOMPING WILLOW TO EAT ME!"

"WILLOW GET OFF!"

"NOO! DON'T DO THIS TO ME, CRAZY HUFFLEPUFF DOG PERSON!" I stopped flailing my arms and legs about and opened my eyes, my gaze darting around the room in search of the hufflepuff. I tried to get to my feet but fell again. I was tangled in my own bed covers and it was only when I noticed Sirius crumpled in a heap beneath me that I realised that it had all been a dream... and that I'd fallen out of the top of a bunk bed. I looked down at my hand. Ah. Shame I hadn't dreamt the co-joining of my hand with Sirius'.

"Rosa?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you get off me!"

"Nahh, I think I'm quite comfortable actually... I think I'll sit here for a few more min- OW!" Sirius cut my ramble off mid-sentence by shoving me off of him. I rolled across the floor to the other side of the dormitory, feeling very much tied up and taken hostage in my white sheets. Sirius found himself sprawled on the floor for the second time in ten minutes and glared at me. It wasn't my fault! Maybe I should explain why we were sleeping in bunk beds in the first place. So, along with the hand bonding, Sirius and I realised, after we returned from our detention, that our dormitory had been magically sealed. To add to our frustration, we had to be escorted by a house elf to the other side of the castle and moved into another dormitory that strongly resembled a room that you would find in a mental institute. Apart from a single bunk bed, there was no other furniture in the room. The floor and the walls had been painted white, giving the eerie effect of not being able to tell where the floor ended and the wall began. It was so bad I actually found myself longing for our old dormitory.

So that's how we had found ourselves trying to get to sleep in bunk beds; holding hands. Do you know how _hard_ it is to sleep in a bunk bed while holding onto another person's hand? It's impossible, I can tell you. Me being on top didn't have it too bad because all I had to do was drape my arm down over the side of the bunkbed, while Sirius, on the other hand, had to sleep with his arm in the air for the entire night. And then there was the problem (as we had both just discovered) of waking, temporarily forgetting you were stuck to someone's hand, getting up and wandering why you found yourself flat on the floor, being squashed by another person.

"What's the time?" I asked, groggily.

"5am." Sirius replied, hoisting me to my feet and beginning to look for some new robes. We'd both decided it would be easier, just for the night, if we stayed in our outfits from the night before (I didn't need to worry about my towel because Brendan made sure to put a powerful sticking charm on it, before he let me leave with Sirius) instead of going through the bother of trying to figure out how to get changed while joined to the hand of someone of the opposite sex.

"Oh... 5am... right..." I said, my eyes drooping again. My slow mind began to tick. "Wait... 5AM! WHAT THE HELL! W-w-why are we up at 5am?!"

"Quidditch practice." Sirius said simply. He hadn't been looking for his school robes but instead his quidditch robes, which he had now laid out on his bed.

"Quidditch practice starts at 5am?"

"No. It starts at 6."

"What! Then why wake me up an hour early!" I demanded to know angrily. Sirius just shrugged. "Actually an hour might not be enough time."

"Why? What do you mean?"

"Well, we still have the problem of getting changed," I said, unable to believe that he could have forgotten. I _certainly_ hadn't.

"There's a problem?"

"Yes! In case you haven't noticed you are a boy and I am a girl-"

"You know, actually, Willow, I hadn't noticed that. It's not like there are parts of our bodies that tell us what gender we are or anything."

I rolled my eyes, "Well, for all you know I could be a boy." That appeared to be the exact wrong thing to say, as it only gave Sirius an excuse to look me up and down with that smirk that I was sure he only used because it pissed me off. "Sirius, my eyes are up here."

"Yes and your breasts are on your chest, which doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out you are a girl," I felt my cheeks heat up again and would have stomped off but, unfortunately, my hand wouldn't allow it.

"Haha. Enough joking. How are we going to get changed?"

"Strip off and throw on whatever's hanging in the wardrobe?"

"Do you want me to start the gender argument again?!"

"OK, OK!" Sirius paused and a thoughtful look passed over his face momentarily. He snapped his fingers, grinning in triumph. "The shower curtain."

"Erm, what about it?"

"You on one side, me on the other!"

"Sirius... you're a genius."

"I know."

-x-

Sirius grabbed his quidditch robes, I grabbed my school robes and we both hurried into the bathroom. I was about to lock the door when Sirius pointed out that there was really no point, as apart from the house elf who had brought us and the school staff, none of the other students knew where we were currently living. I agreed but locked the door anyway when his back was turned; you never could be too careful.

"Who's going to stand in the bathtub then?" I asked, eyeing it with open dislike.

"You."

"Why me!" I complained.

"Because if you break your leg no-one will be bothered but if I break my leg then I won't be able to play the upcoming match about Slytherin." Sirius replied in a patronising voice.

"Oh, thanks," I bit back, glaring at him. None the less, I clambered into the bath tub, being careful not to slip on the bottom.

"Right. Then let's get this down with." Sirius' voice said from the other side of the curtain. I nodded, knowing that he couldn't really see me but felt more reassured anyway. I made sure to keep my body faced away from the shower curtain, not at all trusting Sirius not to look. Don't get the wrong impression; it wasn't because I thought I was anything worth looking at, it was just that Sirius Black really was that much of a pervert. My arm was is in absolute agony, as I tried to shield my body to the wall and not pull Sirius through the shower curtain.

"Are you looking?" I called out, my eyes narrowing suspiciously, as I struggled to get my head through the arm hole of my red t-shirt. Putting a t-shirt on one-handed is absolute hell, I can tell you.

"Only if you want me to, baby." There was a crash, as I slipped and grabbed onto the shower rail, bringing the whole thing crashing down into the bathtub. I looked over at Sirius and found that he was decent and had managed to remain standing, though he appeared to have tripped on my school robes.

"You are the most clumsy person I've ever met," Sirius stated, looking at me in a way that suggested he was wondering if there was something about me that made it that way or whether I was just unlucky and had been born like that.

"And you do absolute wonders for my confidence..." I replied sarcastically. I struggled to get out of the bathtub and quickly pulled my t-shirt on correctly, brushing imaginary dust from the bottoms of my jeans. Sirius handed me my robes and after I had pulled them on, he pocketed his wand and we both headed out of the door, me praying for a miracle that would help me get through the quidditch practice with more than one limb intact.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	13. Undiscovered Quidditch Talent

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Again, I don't know what to put here. Sorry about the shabby work of this chapter but I'm really tired and I know that if I send this chapter to be edited by my beta then it won't be up on FF for another 3 or 4 days, so I decided that you'd probably prefer me to put the chapter online now.

-x-

"I've just thought of something..." I said, as we made our way down the grassy slope toward the Quidditch pitch.

"I doubt it will be of much interest, but what?"

"We could've just magicked our clothes on."

"You mean you didn't think of that?" I stopped in my tracks and looked over at Sirius.

"You mean you did!"

"Yeah... it was kind of obvious..." Sirius told me. He also stopped and grinned at me. "You didn't think of using magic, did you?"

"Do you HONESTLY think I would have chosen to get changed within a fifty mile radius of you if I had?!" I exclaimed.

"Well, when you put it like that..." Sirius said, still trying to smile his way out of what would surely lead to an argument. And then I did the most mature and responsible thing I have ever done in my life; I walked away. Well, not technically, of course, because of the whole joined hand situation but I did walk away from the argument, even though I was a moment away from hexing Sirius. I contented myself with scowling and muttering angrily under my breath, as Sirius dragged me down to the Quidditch pitch.

A figure appeared at the edge of the grounds and began to wave enthusiastically. James was running toward us, broomstick in hand and also kitted out in a set of red quidditch robes. "Sirius!" James greeted Sirius, grinning, completely ignoring me, which must have been a _really_ hard thing to do considering I was standing right next to him. "What happened to you? You weren't in the common room when I got back from the library."

"The library?" Sirius scoffed in disbelief.

James' expression darkened, "Yeah, Lily's fault. I'm telling you that girl is out of control! Whatever happened to obeying your husband?"

"Yeah, I completely agree."

"Hello, I am here!" I interrupted angrily, not bothering to hide my irritation at their attitude toward women. The two boys turned to face me with looks upon their faces that clearly said they had forgotten I was there, or in James' case hadn't even noticed my presence in the first place.

"Oh, right. Erm... why is she here?" James asked.

Sirius gave James a moody stare and held our linked hands up in the air.

"Oh my god, you two are dating? I thought you liked that Bambi chick..." James trailed off, noticing my stony expression. I spun around and managed to glimpse Sirius making 'shut your mouth' signs in the air, before he hurriedly stopped and became very interested in the sky.

"Ok, let's get a few things straight. A) We are not dating, nor will we ever be, as I can't stand him-"

"The feelings mutual, Willow," Sirius declared loudly, returning my glare.

"- and B) Bambi's a slut, who should be avoided at all costs."

"Ooh jealousy!" James said.

"NO!" I snapped.

"It's not like you know her," Sirius replied.

"Oh and you do?"

"Maybe I do."

"Sticking your tongue down someone's throat doesn't count as knowing a person!"

"O-K-A-Y! I think this lovers' spat ends now..." James cut in.

"WE AREN'T DATING!" Sirius and I shouted at him.

"Then why are you holding hands?"

"We're not!"

"McGonagall did this to punish us for breaking the rules of the project."

"That would explain quite a bit..." James admitted, grinning sheepishly at the two of us. We glared back. "I think it's time for Quidditch practice. The rest of the team are already waiting for us, along with the SBFC..."

"The what?" I wondered aloud.

"The Sirius Black Fan Club."

"Sorry I asked..."

-x-

Standing in the same position for over twenty minutes in the freezing cold at 6am in the morning was not my idea of heaven. James had been droning on and on about what tactics the Gryffindor Quidditch team would be using in their upcoming match with Slytherin. It seemed that there was more to Quidditch than sticking your arse on the back of a broom and flying around at ridiculous speeds at equally ridiculous heights and although I acted politely surprised when Alice (she's a chaser) told me this, I really couldn't have felt more passion about it than I did about signing up for chess club. That was absolutely none. Zilch. Na-da. Whatever you want to call it. So here I was freezing by bits off in the middle of a Quidditch pitch, while James nattered on about something called the Sloth Grip Roll.

"Ok, so for those of you who haven't noticed we have a _slight_ problem concerning Sirius-" James stopped talking long enough to waze lazily in our direction. Seven pairs of eyes were upon me and I suddenly found myself wishing that I had taken the time to at least try and smooth the creases out of my t-shirt the night before. "-but Sirius, Rosa and I have agreed that Rosa will ride on Sirius' broom with him."

"We have?" Sirius inquired coolly. I narrowed my eyes and glowered at James, using all my energy to send him negative vibes. I think the glower was enough to get my message across.

"Ah. I didn't mention that?" James said, his eyes darting shiftily from team member to team member.

"HOW about we get around to some flying during this practice?" Alice said, with a finalising tone in her voice, just as I had been about to open my mouth and lose my temper with James.

"Excellent idea," James exclaimed bracingly, clapping his hands together in enthuasisasm. The rest of the team murmured their agreements and all began to clamber onto their brooms, kicking off from the ground and zooming into the air. I watched them with genuine interest, before I noticed Sirius was watching me.

"What?"

"Have you ever ridden a broom?" I faked a laugh of stupidity and gave Sirius a playful slap on the arm.

"Of course I have, silly. Broomsticks are my soulmates in life. My restless soul is only truly at rest when in the air. To feel the wind in your hair-"

"OK, OK, I get it!" Sirius stopped my ramblings and I bit my lip; if my meaningless monologue hadn't persuaded Sirius that I certainly couldn't fly then my over-friendliness and willingness to actually touch his arm definitely would of. "So, we know you can't ride a broom... do you think you can manage to sit on a broom without falling off?"

"Err... maybe..."

"Maybe?"

"Yeah... I actually meant no."

Sirius rolled his eyes and looked back up at the sky. I followed his gaze and saw James gesturing wildly for us to hurry up and get in the air. "Right, if I can manage to fly no-handed..."

"No-handed?" I said, puzzled.

"Yes, I have to hold a club, remember? Anyway, if I can fly no-handed then I'm sure you can at least try to stay upright on a broom, ok?"

I doubted my saying no would have made any difference so I merely remained silent and nodded to show I had understood. Sirius nodded back and mounted on the broom, hovering a few feet above the ground. "Just jump up and sit behind me."

I jumped up and managed to mount the broom without too much difficulty. Maybe I wasn't so bad at this whole flying thing... "Okay, now all you have to do is keep your arm wrapped around my waist and then you won't fall off."

"You make it sound so easy."

"No, you make it seem so hard. Ok, let's go before James gets really pissed off." Sirius exclaimed and before I could prepare myself, he had leant forward on his broom and we went shooting across to the other end of the pitch. I didn't even have time to scream, though I doubted I'd ever been more fearful of my life before then. I had dug my fingernails into Sirius' hand so deep that there were now red marks on his hand.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

"Wow. You really don't like flying." Sirius said, as though it was only just dawning on him.

"Great observation, Einstein..."

"SIRIUS!" I glanced to my right and managed to duck just in time to see a gigantic club fly over my head. I glared over at James, who looked like he was about to start laughing within seconds. Sirius caught the bat and caught James' eye. He turned away, also smirking. Damn them! Damn them all! Damn them with their stupid broomsticks and their stupid quidditch robes and their stupid big, ugly clubs!

"OK! I'M RELEASING THE BLUDGERS AND THE SNITCH NOW!" James shouted over the sound of the roaring wind. Everyone nodded. He threw open a wooden trunk and unbuckled the belt that was binding the two bludgers down.

"Er, why is he doing that?"

"Because then they can shoot around the pitch and try to knock players off their brooms."

"Why?"

"What do you mean **why**?"

"I mean, why does it have to involve violence? Can't we all just hold hands and dance around in circles? World peace and all that crap..."

"Not that your passion for world peace isn't inspiring or anything but we have a practice to start."

We flew around the pitch for the next half hour without any major incidents happening and I realised, to my complete surprise, that I was actually beginning to like flying. If you kept your eyes closed and pretended that nothing was happening, it was actually quite fun. It felt very much like you had wings; you like you were flying but without the aid of a magical object to keep you in the air. I think James must have thought I'd fallen asleep... that's why he threw another club my way, this time aimed at my head. I opened my eyes just in time to lunge forward and catch it with the tips of my fingers.

"Thanks for that!" I shouted over at him, shoving the club under my arm so that I could shake my fist at him with my unbound hand.

Giving me the responsibility of a club was probably the worst idea that James had had that day, as both I and Sirius discovered after only five minutes. Not only could I not fly a broom but I also couldn't control a beaters' club either. "ROSA! WATCH- WHERE- YOU'RE- WHACKING- THAT- THING!" Sirius shouted, as he was forced to dodge out of the way of the club again.

"I'M ONLY DOING WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO!" I complained, still swining the bat aimlessly, "YOU TOLD ME TO HIT THE BLUDGER AT PEOPLE ON THE OPPOSING TEAM!"

I did a particularly vigrous hit and the bludger flew straight into Arnie Fwiddle's broomstick. "THEN WHY ARE YOU HITTING AT ARNIE?"

"HE'S ON THE OTHER TEAM!"

"HE'S ON OUR TEAM!"

"NO, HE ISN'T! YOU'RE NOT ON MY TEAM!"

"OF COURSE I AM!" Sirius yelled, trying to grab the club and wrestle it out of my grasp. However, I had become quite attached to my new found Quidditch position and I refused to give my club up without a fight.

"IT'S MINE! LET GO!"

"ROSA! GROW UP, FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Sirius shouted. I gave the club another huge tug, before giving up and letting go. Unfortunately, Sirius was still pulling on the club with all of hismight and when I let go, it was was sent whacking straight into Sirius' eye. He swore at the top of his voice, clutching his eye with a look of agony on his face. Far below I could see the SBFC staring up at us with open mouths, shrieking in panic.

"Oh my god, Sirius, I'm SO sorry!" I also shrieked, staring at the shades of blue and black that Sirius' eye was steadily turning.

"What is happening here- SIRIUS!" James came flying upto us, looking like he had just heard christmas had been cancelled. "STOP! STOP! EVERYONE! SIRIUS ' VISION IS OBSCURED!"

There were more screams of panic, as the rest of the team shot towards us like bullets, all crowding around me and Sirius, trying to get a glimpse of his injured eye. "What happened?" James asked in a deathly whisper, as though afraid Sirius might die if he didn't hush his voice. Everyone was wearing expressions of horror very similar to James and, I assumed, mine.

"It was an accident... Rosa attacked me with a club..." Everyone turned to glare at me and I recoiled slightly, trying to hide myself behind Sirius.

"Great job, Rosa!" The Gryffindor keeper, a fourth-year I knew by the name of Dennis, exclaimed angrily.

"Hey! It wasn't her fault!" Alice tried to defend me.

"Then whose was it? The Giant Squid's?" This Dennis person replied, now glaring at Alice instead.

"Oi, if you don't watch it, mate, you'll be swimming with the Giant Squid by the time I'm through with you!"

"ENOUGH!" Everyone stopped arguing and James looked around at us with an attitude of forced calmness about him. "Someone needs to take Sirius to the Hospital Wing. See if Madame Pompfrey can maybe fix it before the match."

"I might as well go," I said, sighing, "After all, we are joined at the hand and if it weren't for me then we wouldn't all be in this mess." I felt offended when no-one, not even Alice, bothered to offer re-assurance toward me, so offended that I wasn't even that bothered when Sirius dived the last twenty feet to the ground and I fell off the broom in a less than graceful manner. Oh well, as my mum always said, some things are meant to happen and nothing anyone can do will change that... if that saying was supposed to provide me with any comfort or support, then it had failed miserably. I decided that taking Sirius to the Hospital Wing wasn't such a bad idea; after all, I could book my own bed while I was there, considering I would be spending the next month or so there if Sirius' vision wasn't fixed by Madame Pompfrey.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	14. Freedom At Last

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Sorry for the shortness. Please R&R anyway! I'd really appreciate it and it gives me the inspiration I need.

-x-

I watched Madame Pomprey bustle around Sirius' bed in a complete flap, muttering darkly under her breath and shooting me disapproving glances. Everyone knew that Madame Pomprey wasn't what you would call a quidditch fan and, as Sirius had told me, there was nothing that seemed to anger her more than the more than frequent injuries caused by the game. When we'd first appeared in the doorway of the Hospital Wing, she had been completely sympathetic... until she discovered that Quidditch was the cause and then she consented to glaring instead.

"Sorry..." I mumbled again, looking at Sirius. He'd only hurt his eye but Madame Pomprey had insisted on him lying on one of the Hospital Wing beds for half an hour before leaving, and I, being the dutiful wife I am, had agreed to stay with him.

"Bit late for that," Sirius replied bitterly. I frowned.

"It's not my fault... ok, maybe it IS my fault, but it's yours as well!" I tried to explain.

Sirius opened his mouth in disbelief, "How did you manage to come to that idea? Please tell me how you think you blacking my eye was my fault, I must say I'm actually interested in what you're going to say for once."

"If you'd just missed the Quidditch practice then none of this would have happened. You knew I was terrified of heights and flying!"

"Excuse me? _Not go to Quidditch Practice?_"

"Yes, Sirius, NO Quidditch Practice! I'm sure you would have been able to miss one practice out of god knows who many you have every year!" I argued. Sirius was still staring at me with a look of disbelief so I decided that he was a boy and that's simply how they acted about Quidditch.

We sat in silence for a few seconds, Sirius eating the chocolate that Madame Pomprey had given him and me staring thoughtfully over at the boy on the other side of the room who was currently having his fingers stitched by a wand hovering in mid-air. The boy looked up from his hand, caught my eye and grinned. I grinned back stupidly for a few seconds, before quickly turning away, feeling like an idiot.

"What's going on between you and Larry?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"Larry?" I repeated, confused.

"Yes, Larry, the guy sitting on the bed over there, currently grinning over at you."

"He's grinning at me!" I exclaimed, craning my neck to see. "I mean... erm, I don't know what you talk about."

Sirius was staring at me now, an unreadable expression on his face. "I hate it when you do that." I said.

"Do what?"

"Look at me like that."

"I'm not looking at you like anything."

"Yes you are, you have those looks on your face sometimes and I can't understand what you're thinking."

"Why would you want to know what I was thinking?" Sirius said, frowning.

I shrugged, "I don't know. It would make life much more simpler, you know?"

"... not really."

"Never mind then." I went back to the important task of staring aimlessly round the room, this time making sure that I avoided looking over at Larry, as I was almost positive I would end up doing something to embarrass myself.

"Mr. Black! Miss. Willow! What are you two doing here?" Professor McGonagall walked briskly over to us, stopping on the opposite side of Sirius' bed from me. She was surveying us with open suspicion and obviously thought that Sirius had gained his black eye from 'muggle brawling'. "Mr. Black, not again..."

"No, Professor! I attacked him!" I jumped in.

"What?!" McGonagall's eyes looked ready to pop.

"No, it wasn't like that. We were both at Quidditch practice and, well, I'm a rubbish flier and I'm scared of heights and I had to play beater with Sirius and I missed the bludger and got Sirius' eye instead..." It was after I had explained this that McGonagall seemed to remember that we were infact bound at the hand, due to her doing.

She sighed. "I suppose I'll have to unbind you after this."

Sirius sat up so fast that my arm was almost yanked from its socket. Who could blame him, though? It was the best thing I'd heard all day. "Really Professor?" I asked eagerly.

"Yes, though don't think that means you two are to go unpunished. Besides, I think you have learnt your lesson and the next task will definitely be sure to put you both in your places if you are already not there."

"Next task?"

"You'll find out more when you get back to the common room."

"So, we don't have to have that awful room anymore?"

"No."

"YAY!" I shrieked, jumping out of my seat and jumping up and down with joy. I stopped in a hurry, after I saw the looks McGonagall and Sirius were giving me.

"OK... thanks, Professor." Sirius said, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me back into my seat. Professor McGonagall pulled her wand out of her pocket and tapped our joined hands twice. They were surrounded by a pale blue glow and then we were seperated. It was over. We weren't holding hands. I could get dressed without thinking Sirius was watching. I could.. I could...

"I've never felt so happy!" I screamed at the top of my voice and hugged Sirius in my elated state. I grinned at him and saw that Larry was watching the two of us. I hadn't realised how cute he was... probably because of the stress the hand situation had been causing.

"Me neither." Sirius admitted, also grinning.

"We should probably get back to the common room, though," I said grudgingly, tearing my gaze away from Larry's.

"Why?"

"The task McGonagall mentioned."

"I dread to think what she has in store this time..."

"So do I, Sirius, so do I."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	15. Bob And Boblina

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **ANOTHER chapter! Aren't I nice? Ok, so I'm going to be listening to lots of music as I write this and it might influence it... just remember, don't blame me; blame the music. :P

-x-

"Rosa, you're pregnant." I'm sure it doesn't take too much imagination to realise how shocked I felt to be greeted by Mary, running over to me and saying these words to me. Shocked was an understatement; I felt like I was going to faint and I think Sirius could tell, as he grabbed my arm and steered me over to a chair by the fire. Mary followed us over and took the seat next to me.

"Ok. I think now's the time to explain to me how the fricking hell I got pregnant!" I practically screamed, my heart pounding painfully fast inside my chest.

"When a man and a woman love each other very much..." James started, appearing from behind Sirius and sitting down next to Mary.

"Oh ha ha, very funny," I stated coldly, as Sirius started laughing.

"Sirius is the father." Mary said simply.

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!" I shouted with horror. Sirius had stopped laughing now, though his amused expression was still annoying me immensely.

"Willow, if I'd got you pregnant you'd know about it. Afterall, being the best lover in Hogwarts-"

"Enough information!" Mary said, thankfully drowning Sirius' words out before he could finish his sentence. "McGonagall told me to tell you."

"McGonagall got Rosa pregnant?!" Sirius asked, laughing harder than ever, "God, didn't know she had it in her."

"Can we please stop being perverted?" I demanded rather than asked everyone.

"Congratulations it's a girl," Lily said in a bored tone, ignoring James' look of longing as she strolled past him and dumped a bundle of cloths in my arms. I held the bundle stiffly at arms length, not daring to look inside. Then something happened and I jumped out of my skin; the bundle _cried._ No kidding, there was tense silence and then a sudden shrill cry. A baby's cry.

"Oh my god, they've given us a baby! As if we couldn't screw our own lives up enough!" I whined, still not daring to look at the bundle. I shoved the bundle into Sirius' chest and slid further down into my chair, not looking at anyone.

"Actually it's a life-like doll," Sirius said, peering interestedly at the thing inside the bundle. He certainly seemed to know a lot more about babies than I did, which definitely surprised me as... well, Sirius wasn't exactly what one would call the paternal type. He was holding it close at the very least and the cries were certainly beginning to ebb away. I watched, wide-eyed.

"What?" Sirius asked, looking up and catching me eye.

"She didn't think you were the paternal type," Mary said.

"Wow, how did you do that?!" I asked Mary in awe, "Are you secretly a seer or something?"

"I wish. Then I could figure out where Brendan has disappeared off to with Bob." Mary muttered more to herself than me. She looked around the room, frowning, as she searched for any signs of my brother.

"Err, Bob?" Sirius said.

"The baby." Mary replied, rolling her eyes at him.

"Wait, a minute... POTTER!" Lily shouted, making me jump again; I was getting _way_ too paranoid these days. James, who was hovering near the portrait hole, also jumped. He turned toward Lily, looking extremely guilty.

"Ah. I think it's time we left," I said, giving Sirius a pointed look.

"I'm coming too," Mary agreed, quickly grabbing her cloak, "I might find Brendan on the way."

"Potter, where's Clementine?" I snorted loudly and had to clap my hands over my mouth to force myself not to laugh. I pushed Sirius and Mary out of the portrait hole and the three of us (four including the doll) legged it down the corridor, Lily's shouts of "WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOST HER!" following us as we ran.

-x-

"What do we call it?" I asked, refusing to look at the thing in Sirius' arms. I turned to face the lake, my arms folded and my expression defiant.

"It's a she and I don't know. How about Bob?"

"Sirius!" I shrieked, grabbing the baby from his arms and giving him a look of disgust, "It's a girl, not a boy!"

"Yeah but Bob's a boy and girl name..."

"Erm, since when?"

"OK, point taken. Boblina it is."

"BOBLINA!"

"Glad you like it, now can we get back upto the castle, I'm freezing..." Sirius said, exaggerating a shiver. He had his hands dug deep into his robes pockets but the expression on his face as he looked over at the group of girls on the other side of the lake said it all.

"Ha. Celibacy must be killing you." I grinned. Sirius didn't reply; he didn't have to. He was now glaring and I could tell that talking about his sex life (or lack of) was killing him. "Isn't that Amber over there? That _plunging neckline_ looks really good with a chest like hers... oh and look at Layla's mini-skirt... don't her legs look great in those tights... so _long_..."

"Rosa, shut up now," Sirius said through gritted teeth and I realised how great he must feel winding me up all the time.

"Ooh, look, Phoebe's just dropped her purse... she's bending down to pick it up... look at that arse! Wow, I bet you could see right down her top if we were on the side..."

"ROSA! Stop talking before I end up doing something I regret." Sirius cut me off, glaring at me.

"What? Like hex me?" I asked, challengingly.

"Don't be stupid," Sirius said and he grinned at me.

"Then what do you mean?"

"Never mind."

"No, seriously, what?" He shook his head but he continued to grin in a 'I-know-something-you-don't' way.

"Fine. Be like that." I said huffily. I held Boblina closer, spun around and began to stomp back upto the castle.

"She's my daughter too!" Sirius shouted after me, now laughing hysterically. How patronising that git could get!

"You're so funny!" I yelled back sarcastically, though I felt the corners of my mouth twitching.

"Rosa! Don't take Boblina! She's the only thing I have!"

"She's a doll, you nutter!"

"BOBLINA! DON'T BE SCARED, DARLING! DADDY'LL SAVE YOU! DON'T BLAME MUMMY, IT'S NOT HER FAULT; SHE WAS BORN A MANIAC!" Sirius shouted after us. I was now laughing so hard that my stomach was hurting. The bundle that was Boblina fell from my arms and rolled across the grass, hitting a tree trunk. Under normal circumstances I probably would have thought nothing of this but at that moment, it seemed the funniest thing I'd ever seen. I collapsed to my knees, tears now running down my cheeks, as I laughed at the doll and the ridiculous situation I yet again found myself in.

"I've looked everywhere; the greenhouses, the pumpkin patch and I can't find Brend- Rosa! What the hell is wrong with you!" I barely registered that Mary had appeared at my side and was now staring down at me with a look of wild disbelief on her face. She looked over at Sirius and I only laughed harder. "Sirius, what have you given her?"

"Nothing!" Sirius said; he was still laughing but nowhere near as bad as I was. "Willow, are you drunk?" He asked me, "Look, I'm sorry, but you have to kick the habit. Think of Boblina."

"My god, what is up with you two?"

"I think Boblina's dead." Cue harder laughter from both Sirius and myself. Mary stared at us, non-plussed.

"That is funny how?"

"No idea, Mary. Why don't you go and check her pulse?"

"You've gone mad. Both of you are flipping insane."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	16. Sleepless Nights

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **I'm so happy. I got SO many reviews for the last chapter! I love you all!

-x-

"Rosa! ROSA! GET UP!" I groaned in dismay and turned over in bed, squeezing my eyes further closed. I threw my pillow over my head and tried to drown out the wails of the baby that were filling our dormitory.

"_Levicorpus_!" Sirius shouted. I opened my eyes in confusion, just in time to see a flash of blue light skim past me. There was a gigantic lurch and I screamed, as I found myself dangling in mid-air by my right ankle. I pulled my bed covers off and let them drop to the floor. I some how managed to swivel round in mid-air and glare at Sirius over my shoulder. My glare quickly vanished when I saw how pissed off he looked.

He had the same dark circles under his eyes as I had and his usually ruffled hair was a complete tangled mess. He was staring at me through narrowed eyes, his wand still pointing at me. "Rosa... shut this god damn thing up before I kill you." He pointed over at Boblina a little too vigrously, causing his wand arm to jerk. I yelped as I dropped a foot or so toward the ground.

"No!" I complained angrily, trying in vain to pull my ankle down to the floor, "I spent all last night trying to get her to sleep! Tonight's your turn!"

"I was the one who spent all last night trying to get her to sleep, not you! You fell asleep at 9! I was up until 3am!" Sirius argued back, his grip on his wand tightening and his arm not budging.

"Yeah... well... well... I..." I spluttered.

"- will be helping me get Boblina to sleep..." Sirius told me in a dangerously quiet voice. His expression darkened, as he waited for me to show some sign of understanding. I sighed inaudibly and nodded my head.

"Good," Sirius said and, with a flick of his wand, I dropped to the floor, landing straight on my arse. There was definitely going to be a bruise there tomorrow. I didn't bother to get up. Sirius thrusted Boblina into my arms and then sat down on the floor next to me. The three of us sitting together seemed to have a positive effect on Boblina and I could have cried with joy when I realised that her cries were ebbing slowly away until the dormitory was silent again.

I grinned at Sirius and he smiled tiredly back. "You can get some sleep," I said to him, patting the doll awkwardly on the back.

"Nahh. Besides, she'll probably wake up again anyway." He replied. I shrugged indifferently and went back to looking down at Boblina with curiousity.

"Sorry for making you look after Boblina all the time," I muttered grudgingly.

"So you should be..." Sirius exclaimed, though he didn't look half as angry as he had before.

"In thanks... I will... let you... borrow... my charms homework," I struggled to say this sentence, as I had worked harder on the essay than I had on any other homework in the last month or so.

"Although I am touched-" I scoffed at this, "- I've already borrowed Larry's."

I brightened considerably at this information and tried to keep my cool, though I knew Sirius was watching me. "Larry... he was the one we saw in the hospital wing..." I said, acting as though he was a mere vague memory.

"Yes..." Sirius confirmed.

"What house is he in?" I asked casually.

"Ravenclaw." Sirius answered, equally as casually.

"Year?" I fired back.

"Ours." Sirius said, starting to narrow his eyes at me. I knew he was getting pissed off with me asking so many questions but I just couldn't help it! It was like I had lost control of my mouth and that if I didn't find out every last detail about Larry then I would burst into flames and shrivel up and die.

"Any siblings? Favourite food? Colour? Any allergies?" I gabbled without breath.

"What? How am I supposed to know?" Sirius replied in disbelief.

"Is he a good swimmer?"

"Are you?" Sirius asked challengingly.

"No, I don't swim, I drown!" I exclaimed impatiently, rolling my eyes as though it was the most obvious thing in the world and Sirius was an idiot not to have known about it. "That's not the point! Does he know Brendan? Is he gay? Are you sure he was smiling at me? Was he checking me out? Was he just staring at my chest?"

Sirius looked down and I folded my arms over my chest. "Don't stare at my chest!" I snapped, irritated.

"Then don't mention it!" Sirius retorted, though he was grinning.

"Does he like fizzing whizbees?" I said, edging closer to Sirius, eager to hear the answer.

"What?"

"Better than Chocolate Frogs?"

"Rosa, how many times... I don't know!" Sirius declared loudly, glaring at me, ""

"Nothing," I said quickly.

"Which is why you wanted to know whether Larry prefers Chocolate Frogs to Fizzing Whizzbees?" He raised an eyebrow at me.

"Errm... well... you see... this... err... I haven't got any friends at this school really... and I ... was... hoping he'd show me... around..." I lied lamely.

"We spend 24 hours a day together and you can't ask me to show you around?" Sirius said, smirking at me, "Just admit it. You want to shag Larry."

I glared at Sirius and gave him a frosty look, "Just because the only thing you want from a relationship is to bed the girl you're dating, doesn't mean I'm the same!"

"Well, dur! You're really quick on the uptake, Rosa!" Sirius laughed. I was glad that _someone_ found our conversation funny, as I certainly didn't find it amusing.

"Eurgh. You are the male-equivalent to a... a... a..." I hesistated; there wasn't a name insulting enough to use on Sirius Black.

"To a-a-a-a?"

"A slut!" Sirius took one look of my expression of fury and burst out laughing.

"Oh, c'mon Willow, don't act all innocent! You're telling me you haven't just shagged someone for the pure, wild, animal instinct-"

"Sirius, I really don't want to know about your sex life," I said with disgust.

"So, you haven't had someone **screaming** your name in a broom closet-" Sirius asked loudly, still laughing.

"I... That's none of your business!" I declared, though I was blushing to the roots of my hair. I dropped Boblina into his lap and got to my feet.

"Well, I'm always here if you ever change your mind," Sirius said, ruffling his hair and giving me a jaunty smile.

"GOOD NIGHT, SIRIUS!" I shouted with a finalising tone, already climbing into my bed. Sirius grinned and got to his feet. He put boblina back in her cradle and pushed it over to the side of my bed.

"Erm, why are you doing that?"

"I already told you, tonight Boblina's your responsibility." Sirius repeated slowly.

"But she's your daughter too!" I told him angrily.

"You sound exactly like me when we were by the lake!" Sirius said, grinning. I rolled my eyes and turned over in bed, so my back was facing him. I waited until I heard him get into his own bed, before I allowed myself a grin.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	17. Baby Shower Parties

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **This will be the LONGEST chapter by far in this story. So everyone had better review! XD Oh and for those of you who already believe this story is too far-fetched, I warn you this chapter passes over that mark. But please read anyway! And the next chapter after is also... _interesting._

-x-

"Oh my god!" I shrieked, staring at the notice board in disbelief, as I busily bounced Boblina on my hip. I had actually got quite into the hang of the whole mother role and now I had almost got used to having to change my top twice a day for the mess of baby sick all over it. I had been having a good day up until that moment that I chose to look at the notice board but now things weren't going too well.

"What?" Lily asked, appearing beside me. I pointed wordlessly at the notice. She stepped forward and squinted at the notice.

"Oh no..." Her voice trailed off. The look on her face showed the horror I was feeling inside. "This is all we need..."

James and Sirius had been chatting animatedly about throwing dung bombs at Mrs. Norris by the fire but they had both fallen silent now. James was watching us, puzzled, while Sirius was staring into the fire in a bored manner. "What's up with you two?" James said loudly.

"There's... going to be a baby shower..." I replied, wincing.

"Oh," James said uninterested.

"We have to organise it," Lily told him glumly.

"You're kidding, right?" James asked, clearly unable to believe what he was hearing. Lily gave him a look. James whooped and high-fived Sirius.

"Hey everyone!" Mary greeted, clambering through the portrait hole, followed by a disgruntled looking Brendan, holding a screaming baby Bob at arms length. The expression of utter disgust on his face said it all. "What's happening?"

"A PARTY!" James shouted, whooping loudly again. He got to his feet and ran over to the notice, pushing me out of the way to get a better look at the scrap of parchment that had appeared in our common room earlier that day. Brendan dumped Bob on Mary and rushed over also, looking like his dreams had come true.

"It's tomorrow night! Oh my god, what am I going to do about my HAIR?!" Brendan exclaimed with terror, clutching at his black hair, "Rosa, I need to borrow straightners."

"Brendan, if I had any do you really like I'd have my hair like this?" I said and I pointed at the bush on my head that was also known as my hair.

"PARTY! PARTY! PAR-TAY!" Sirius and James had gone mad and combined with the screams of baby Bob I was finding it almost impossible to think straight.

"Good point," Brendan said.

"It's fine, Lily! We just tell them that no alocohol is allowed!" I shouted over the havoc to Lily, who looked close to having a panic attack at the possibility of how many rules James and Sirius could manage to break when given a whole night to do so.

"PARTY! PARTY! PARTY, PARTY, PARTY, PAAAARTAY!"

"WILL YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!" Lily screeched. Everyone fell silent. James was gawping at Lily, Sirius was gawping at Lily, Mary was gawping at Lily, Brendan was gawping at Lily, I was gawping at Lily and Bob and Boblina would have been gawping, I'm sure but they were dolls, so it wasn't possible. Lily never shouted. Ever. Not even at James. Shouting was something that Lily 'rose above'. "OK. There will be no alcohol and definitely NO SEX." Lily finished her last point with a pointed glare at Sirius.

"Why does everyone look at me when people mention sex?" Sirius said, grinning arrogantly. I rolled my eyes and headed back to the dormitory, moving Boblina to my arms.

"Where are you going?" I turned around and glared at Sirius.

"Well, seeing as I already know there's no point me trying to help with the baby shower as you and James will be organising the whole thing-"

"Too right!" James and Sirius interrupted, exchanging sly looks.

"-and making a nightmare of it, then I thought I'd go and find something something to wear..." I said, sighing.

"I like the top you're wearing now," Sirius said.

"For the baby shower, you idiot. Or the PAR-TAY as you lot call it." I snapped with irritation.

"I'm going up to my dormitory too..." Lily agreed and she disappeared up the dormitory steps before James could even attempt to make a sordid joke about him going to bed with her. Mary looked at Brendan and they gave eachother significant nods, before also heading to their dormitories, muttering vague 'goodbye's to me.

I gave Sirius a short wave, before continuing up the stairs, almost positive I heard James mutter, "Ok, so who's going to hire the stripper?"

-x-

"Are you ready to go yet?" Sirius asked, irritated. I chose not to answer and instead concentrated on putting another layer of mascara onto my eyelashes. I heard him sigh impatiently and smiled triumphantly to myself. "How long does it take for someone to get ready for a party- I mean, baby shower..."

"Not long. I'm done. See." I announced. I placed my mascara back down on the dressing table and looked down at the clothes I was wearing uncertainly. I wasn't stupid; I knew the baby shower was going to turn out to be one big party, but I also knew that meant a load of drunken teenage boys making passes at random girls. I had therefore originally decided to cover up as much as skin as possible but realised that even I couldn't go to a party wearing a woollen jumper by mother had given me last Christmas. So I had eventually scrapped the no skin showing idea and worn a red casual dress, deciding that I would keep my arms folded for the entire night instead, as Lily had mentioned that such a gesture told people to keep at a distance from you.

"OK. Are we ready to go now?" Sirius repeated. I pondered on annoying him some more by adding more eyeliner but eventually just nodded. He instantly brightened and grabbed my hand, beginning to pull me down the stairs, as if he thought I was going to try and run off at any second. That definitely meant there was going to be a party. Lily would freak go insane, then hysterical and start hexing everyone in sight. Mental note, I thought, keep within ten feet of Lily at all times during the night.

We walked into the common room and found Alice and Frank already waiting for us, holding their own baby, Neville. They were the only couple where both the mother **and** the father were taking the project seriously and I found myself almost longing to have married Frank instead of Sirius. Sirius, who had been watching me again, seemed to mistake my longing for a good husband for my longing for a shag partner, and made sure to stand inbetween Frank and myself on our way down to the party.

"Are Lily and James already there?" I said, turning to Alice, who was standing on my right side, holding Neville to her chest. The rest of the 'babies' had been sent down to the Great Hall to wait for us but Alice and Frank, being the loving parents they were, had insisted on keeping baby Neville with them at all times. Now that I thought about it, it had probably been a test of some sort by the Professors... oh well, at least I had managed to get an hour free of baby puke and constant crying.

"Well, James is..." Alice told me, grinning.

"Ah. Trying to put off being hexed for as long as possible?" I replied, knowing perfectly well that was James' intentions.

Alice laughed, "Yes, something like that. Brendan and Mary are already there, though, your brother wearing the most gorgeous, backless, green dress I have ever seen," Trust my own brother to upstage me, yet again, "you wouldn't happen to know where he got it?"

"He got it specially made by a family friend, who knows the designer," I said darkly.

"OH. Your dress is quite nice as well, by the way," Alice said, as an after thought. I tried to smile back but found myself scowling at the back of her head as she walked in front of me.

"I like your dress," Sirius offered, surprisingly helpfully, as he moved to stand next to me, still watching Frank over my shoulder.

"Really?" I said hopefully.

"Yes, it's much nicer than Brendan's," Sirius said, walking closer to me now that he knew he wasn't going to be shouted at.

"How do you know? You haven't even see Brendan," I asked, though I was smiling all the same.

"Yes but any girl wearing a dress will look better than a boy wearing a dress," Sirius replied and I laughed, feeling slightly better.

We finally reached the entrance of the Great Hall and before we entered, I noticed Sirius take a step away from me and wasn't sure if I was thankful about it or a little offended. I didn't have to open the doors, as suddenly James came bounding out of nowhere, grinning like an idiot.

"SIRIUS! My old buddy, my old chummy chum chum... chinny chin chin... haha..." James said, stopping in front of us and swaying on the spot. He attempted to put an arm around Sirius' shoulder but missed and fell forward onto the floor. Sirius laughed.

"How much have you had to drink, Prongs?" I heard him whisper, as he helped James up from the floor.

"Pfft! What are you talking about, Padfoot old guy! I haven't had a drop of anything other than punch all night!" James said loudly, raising the glass of punch he was holding and sloshing most of it down his front. Someone brushed against my shoulder and I turned round in time to see a furious Lily Evans, pushing her way through the crowd to get to James.

"RUN! JAMES! RUN!" James shouted at himself, as he caught sight of Lily. He ran at full speed through the doors of the Great Hall and crashed head first into the food table, sending an assortment of cheese nibbles flying onto the dance floor. I had never seen Lily look so angry in her life and I could feel my own anger rising quickly as well.

"MY GOD POTTER! YOU'VE DONE IT THIS TIME!" Lily shrieked, stepping over James and staring around the hall in horror. The Great Hall looked more like a sleazy, strip club than the place we all had breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday. There were five sets of tables, all full to the brim with food and each containing a gigantic bowl, filled with red punch. There was a stage at the back of the hall, on which half a dozen metal cages had been placed. A disco ball hung above our heads and a DJ stood at a DJ booth at the far end of the hall, setting us his equipment.

Lily was right. James had gone way too far. "ROSA! WHAT DO WE DO!" Lily screamed, fast becoming hysterical. She turned to face me with wild, brown eyes and I faltered.

"I have no idea..." I said faintly.

"MCGONAGALL COULD SEE!"

"WHAT!" I screamed, joining Lily in her hysteria at the mention of the Head of Gryffindor's name, "YOU'RE JOKING!"

"OF COURSE I'M NOT! SHE IS GOING TO COME AND CHECK ON US AT SOME TIME DURING THE NIGHT! KNOWING OUR LUCK, WHEN THE STRIPPERS ARRIVE!" Lily shouted, now finding it hard to breathe properly.

"Stripper, actually," Brendan said, coming up to us and thrusting glasses of punch into our hands. I looked Brendan up and down and had to admit that his dress was truly gorgeous and looked brilliant with his now spiked black hair.

"Yes, we managed to get a mother of a fellow Gryffindor to do it," James slurred at Lily, clinking his glass against hers. I felt so sorry for that Gryffindor; having their mother strip at a party full of people they had to face everyday, could hardly be a good thing.

There was a loud boom, before the deafening words of 'Everybody Dance Now' were shouting through the hall, vibrating the floor beneath us.

"WOO! I love this song!" Mary screamed, dancing over to us. She grabbed Brendan's hands and the two of them twirled back onto the dance floor.

I just stood still, rooted to the spot, my mouth wide open, as I gawped at everyone and everything. The anger was going, only to be replaced by a feeling of numbness. "Are you ok, Willow?" Sirius asked.

"I need a drink..." I murmured. I threw back the glass punch in my hand and found that my legs were already leading me over to the punch bowl to get another.

I passed by the cots, in which the four babies (Neville had joined them), were placed and saw Mary and Brendan dancing crazily behind them. Brendan shouted something over to me and I think it was something to do with 'mind the drink' but I merely waved it off and helped myself to another glass of punch.

-x-

Three glasses of punch later and the world seemed that much brighter. 'Saturday Night' was now booming from the speakers and the punch bowl and I were beginning to have a good time. I was laughing hysterically, as I held the punch bowl in my arms, spinning around on the spot, feeling increasingly dizzy. I stopped and noticed that a bunch of girls, all members of Sirius' fan club, had somehow appeared in the middle of the dancefloor.

"Rosa..." Lily came over to me and tapped me on the shoulder.

"LILLEH!" I shrieked, dropping the punch bowl and trying to hug her. Like James had earlier, I missed, and Lily was forced to dive to catch the punch bowl before it hit the floor.

"Rosa, you're drunk!" Lily spluttered, getting back to her feet. She slammed the punch bowl down on the table and grabbed onto my arm, causing me to stumble into her.

"Ooh, Lily, I never knew you felt that way..." I giggled like a mad woman, batting Lily away. Lily was staring at me in horror. I had been her last resort; the only other sane and responsible person at the party and now I was drunk.

"You're drunk!" She repeated.

"No, I'm not, silly! I've only been drinking punch!" I told her, suddenly feeling quite confused.

"SIRIUS!" Lily shouted at the top of her voice. Sirius, who had been busy dancing in the middle of the crowd of girls, came wandering over to us.

"Yes?" He asked, slightly breathless from all the dancing. Then he saw me. I began to giggle madly again and opened my arms, giving Sirius a big hug, for no other reason than I felt very strange.

"Sirius, Sirius, Sirius, guess what! The punch is lovely, let's go try some!" I said, jumping up and down on the spot now. I wheeled around and headed back over to the punch bowl.

"I think you've had enough to punch, Rosa," He exclaimed, grabbing onto my arm and pulling me away from the punch bowl. He handed me over to Lily and headed over to the punch bowl himself. He poured himself some punch and took a small sip.

"My god, that's almost pure vodka," He said, wiping his sleeve across his mouth and looking at me with realisation, "How many glasses have you had?"

"One... four... three... I had three!" I replied, clapping my hands together.

"THREE?!" Sirius asked in disbelief. "Ok, it's no wonder you're pissed of out your head then,"

"But I don't get it! Who put that much vodka in!" Lily wondered aloud. Sirius and I looked at eachother. Lily looked at the both of us. Then the penny dropped. "POTTER!" Lily screeched and she ran off into the dance floor, in search of James.

I had stopped giggling now but I was grinning stupidly out at the dance floor, "Where is James?"

"Over there with his head in the punch bowl," Sirius said with a smirk, pointing over at him.

"WHO ORDERED A STRIPPER?!" A oh-too-familiar voice screamed.

"WE DID!" Everyone shouted, apart from Sirius and myself, who were too busy staring at the person who had appeared in the entrance of the Great Hall. There, wearing a pink and black striped cat suit, stood my mother. Yes, MY mother.

"MUM!" Brendan shrieked, promptly dropping Mary, who he had been spinning around his head. Mary screamed and fell to the floor but Brendan didn't even seem to notice. "MUM!" He shouted again. He rushed over and tried to shield her from view, similarly to how he had done when I had been in the astronomy tower. "PUT SOMETHING ON!"

"I already have something on..." Mum said, dare I say it, _seductively._ She caught sight of Sirius and myself and made her way over, twirling her cat's tail with a sexy smile.

"Sirius," She purred, "How nice to see you again..."

"Hi mum!" I giggled hysterically, giving her a hug.

"Well, I'm glad someone's happy to see me," Mum said, watching Brendan, who was busy shouting himself hoarse at Mary, making angry gestures over toward mum.

"Ooh, mum, mum, can I strip too!" I said, laughing again.

"Hmmm, well, I spose if I don't let you, someone else will!" Mum exclaimed, positively beaming, "Ok, let's go!"

"Rosa, no!" Sirius said loudly, standing in front of me.

"What's wrong? Don't you want to see my strut my stuff?" I began to laugh uncontrollably again.

"Rosa, don't be so stupid-"

"Heehee!" I cackled, skipping across the Great Hall and onto the stage.

The song 'Sexy Back' began to resound through the hall and I got very excited, dancing my way around the stage.

"Woo! GO ROSA!" James shouted below me, also dancing around below me.

"I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK!" Mum screamed from inside one of the cages.

"MUM!" Brendan hollered angrily.

"Rosa, for god's sakes, get down!" Sirius shouted up at me as well. I ignored him and continued to dance around. Sirius glared at me and jumped up into the stage and began to steer me off.

"Dude! What are you doing!" James said, gawping at Sirius. Sirius let go of me and gave me a look of utter confusion and uncertainty. He turned away, a look of horror on his face.

"THEM OTHER BOYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT!"

"MUM! MUM! NO!"

"Oh my god, I just **stopped** a girl from stripping!" Sirius exclaimed in a sort-of trance.

"SO TURN AROUND AND- BRENDAN! STOP IT!" Mum screamed, trying to prise Brendan's hands off the bars of the cage. Brendan was already advancing on Frank, who had got up onto stage and was giving mum flirty looks. Boy, he was going to have a hell of a load of regrets in the morning...

"EVERYONE STOP IT!" Everyone fell silent. Brendan's arm hesistated in mid-air, ready to punch Frank. Sirius and James were still gawping at eachother. I stopped my twirling on the spot and Lily, stood behind Professor McGonagall, having the decency to look ashamed at herself.

"WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!" McGonagall shouted angrily. She stormed over to the DJ and turned the music off. "YOU! PACK YOUR STUFF UP AND GET OUT OF THIS SCHOOL!" The DJ didn't need telling twice and hurriedly began to pack his equipment away.

"WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON-" McGonagall began to demand but was cut off by the screams of a baby. More screams joined the baby and McGonagall turned around, quickly spotting Boblina, who was floating in the middle of a punch bowl. "WHAT IS THIS! WHY IS THERE A BABY IN THE PUNCH BOWL!"

"There's a baby in every punch bowl, Professor," I said unhelpfully.

"IS ANYONE HERE SOBER?!" No-one but Lily rose their hand. Even Sirius had had alcohol. "RIGHT! THAT'S IT ALL OF YOU OFF TO BED! I WILL DEAL WITH YOU ALL IN THE MORNING! IS THAT UNDERSTOOD?" There were a few nods of agreement, before McGonagall stormed her way back out of the hall, no doubtedly on her way to tell Dumbledore.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	18. One Too Many Shots

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Oh my god! I do believe this is even _longer_ than the previous chapter! OH and last chapter mistake: LILY HAS GREEN EYES! GAHH! I'm sorry, I get so worked up about these mistakes and I was thinking of James when I wrote it and now I'm freaking out! I'll change it soon, don't worry!

-x-

It had taken us over twenty minutes to get back up to our dormitory, as apparently drunk Rosa didn't want the party to end and I spent most of the way back, trying to force Sirius to dance with me to non-existent music. It turns out I'm actually quite a good dancer, especially the tango. Sirius, however, seemed more bothered about getting me up to the dormitory and making sure that I didn't go back down to the Great Hall and join mum on a stripping tour of muggle London.

We reached the dormitory to find Brendan, Mary, Frank and Alice, all standing in a circle and singing, "DU DU DU DU! DU DU DU DU! CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" and dancing around. James and Lily were nowhere in sight and I could only assume that Lily had already bustled James off to bed like a naughty boy. I wanted to stay and dance but Sirius insisted that I go upstairs. As we disappeared up the steps to the dormitory, I noticed that Brendan was watching us with a weary expression on his face.

"Rosa, go and get changed into your PJs in the bathroom," Sirius told me, pointing at the night clothes that lay crumpled at the foot of my bed. I, however, had much more fun and interesting plans for the night. I smiled seductively.

"Sirius," I purred, crawling along my bed until I was face to face with him, "Why don't you stay here while I change into my pajamas?"

"That would be irrestibly tempting if you weren't slurring your words." I was not slurring my words! Ok, maybe just a little... I was still sexy! I would show him. I got off the bed and started doing my 'sexy dance'. My sexy dance consisted of random hand twirling, clapping, high kicks and the splits... "OWOWOW! MAYBE NOT THE SPLITS!" Sirius rolled his eyes at me and pulled me back up into a standing position.

Sirius raised his eyebrow at me and I merely smirked back at him. "You really are amusing when you've downed half a dozen glasses of vodka." Sirius exclaimed with amusement.

"Amusing? Or sexy?" I said, yanking on his tie and pulling his face closer to mine. His lips looked delicious and I bet they'd taste just as nice too. I'm such a wild horse. "Your lips look tasty. Did you know I stare at your lips in charms? I do. Ooh and I also like to throw little pieces of paper at Bambi. Haha. That's fun. Let's go do it now!"

"Brilliant idea if it weren't 1am in the morning," Sirius replied. It wasn't fair. I wanted to throw pieces of paper at Bambi! Why couldn't I do what I wanted! Why couldn't I... oooh, Sirius looked absolutely gorgeous in that light... and those jeans... they had me wondering what lay underneath them... tut tut, bad Rosa... I quite liked bad Rosa... she made everything so _sexy_... heehee...

"I know! Let's BOTH do my sexy dance!" I shrieked at the top of my voice, jumping up and down and clapping my hands. Sirius didn't have time to protest; I grabbed a hold of his hands and began to twirl around, laughing like a mainiac. I could be a dancer. I was a good dancer, even when I was drunk. Not that I was drunk. I was just... tipsy.

"AHHH! THE POTATO KING WANTS TO EAT ME!" I screamed; suddenly hysterical, I leapt into Sirius' arms, "DON'T LET HIM PUT ME IN THE A GIANT COOKING POT! I DON'T WANT TO BE COOKED!" I wriggled out of Sirius' grasp, seized the lamp from our bedside table and started advancing on Mr. Snuggles, the evil-looking teddy bear that Brendan had given me for my birthday.

"Rosa, the potato king doesn't want to eat you," Sirius laughed, watching my new war dance with bewildered amusement. He tried to grab the lamp but I wasn't going to give up without a fight. I threw the lamp with all my might at Mr. Snuggles. Sirius grabbed me round the waist and pulled me backwards, as the lamp smashed and sent shards of glass flying all over my bed covers.

"YAY! HE'S DONE FOR!" I cheered, waving my arms in the air. I hugged a highly confused Sirius, before taking my wand and prodding Mr. Snuggles. He didn't move. He was dead. "Oh no."

"What?" Sirius asked, looking at me with curiosity. He approached me with caution, the way someone would approach a time bomb about to go off at any second. I'm a time bomb! NO! I DON'T WANT TO BE A TIME BOMB! I'M A SEX BOMB! NOT A TIME BOMB!

"I'm a murderer!" I wailed, bursting into floods of tears. I buried my head in my hands and sat down on the edge of my bed, watching Sirius clear my glass studded bed with a lazily wave of his wand from between my fingers.

"No, you aren't," Sirius said, trying to put a comforting hand on my shoulder, and clearly struggling not to laugh, "It was the potato king! You, er, had to kill him. It was for the safety of the... the... wizarding world."

"Ooh, your shirt is really nice!" I gushed, fingering the white material with awe. Sirius was now looking at me like I was some mad, crazy woman. Like that woman my dad saw on the news; the mad cat lady! "Sirius, do you think I'm a mad cat lady?" I asked, looking up at him with wondering eyes. He met my gaze with a serious look.

"Yes, Rosa, I do."

"B-b-but I don't like cats!"

"You have a cat!"

"I do?"

"Bagira?"

"Ah, yes. Bagira is no ordinary cat; he's my confidant."

"Your confidant?" Cue another look of disbelief on Sirius' part.

"Yes. Believe me, if you had a sex-mad swinger for a mother and a cross-dressing gay for a brother, you too would appreciate having a cat to keep you company." I said, nodding vigrously at Sirius, who laughed. I smiled; I actually quite liked making Sirius laugh. It gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside... like a pink blob... that was fuzzy... yes, I imagined that my warm, fuzzy feeling would be pink. "Brendan likes pink. He'd like my pink, warm, fuzzy feeling." I told Sirius, knowingly.

"Pink, warm, fuzzy feeling?"

"Uh-huh. It only came recently but now it always appears when I'm with you. Heehee. I'm random." I giggled.

"What? You _fancy_ me?"

"Wooo! I'm a biiiiird! Watch me fly, Sirius!"

"Wait, you like me like _that_?"

"I don't know why you're so shocked," I stopped flapping my arms around crazily and stood in front of Sirius. "It was kind of obvious. Besides, you said so yourself that I couldn't resist you! Everyone in Hogwarts luuurves you!"

"You LOVE me?! What the fuck, Willow!" Sirius looked a bit angry now. Probably because normal Rosa hadn't told him.

"No, silly. Of course, I don't." I rolled my eyes at Sirius, "But the rest of the female population does. I think you're hot and all that and well, sure, I'd like to ravage you in the middle of the hallway on the way to Transfiguration, but, nahh, it's definitely not love."

"You still should have told me..."

"We both know what I'm like. You know, I might not actually fancy you. It could just be slightly tipsy Rosa who likes you."

"God, Rosa, you really have to stop messing with my mind!"

"I like fish. Do you like fish?"

"ROSA!"

"What? Why does it matter? You don't like me like that and you're just one of a few boys I like, so why does it matter?!"

"How do you know I don't like you like that?" I looked at him with disbelief and he smiled winningly back. "Ok, maybe I haven't really thought about it much but we've had so much fun tonight-"

"Sirius, I'm drunk! I've been drunk all night! How would that work! I get pished- pisssshed- PISSED every time we want to spend time together?!"

"No but I don't think the way you're acting is completely down to the enormous amount of vodka you had tonight. I'm not denying you're drunk (you can hardly stand up right) but people often show their true personality through drink. You're acting as you usually would... when you're not around me. So, no, I don't like you when you're drunk, well, actually you're hilarious when you're drunk, but I like you when you're acting normal. I like you when you're not putting up a front or being defensive around me... if that makes sense."

I doubted anything had made more sense in my life. I didn't know what to say or do. How could anyone reply to something like that? I felt quite uncomfortable and... bare. Like I was standing in the middle of the room, naked. I could feel myself sobering up remarkably quickly. "Since when did you become a pyhsycitrist? sickisast? physchiatrist?" I tried to say, flopping down on the bed beside him. I sighed and looked up at him. He looked down at me and I suddenly noticed that he was bleeding from a cut in his cheek.

"Sirius, you're bleeding," I said, feeling a bit anxious. I sat up and Sirius' hand rose to his cheek.

"Oh. Probably from when the lamp smashed." Sirius shrugged. It looked painful. I frowned and moved closer to him, so I could decide whether or not the cut really wasn't a big deal like Sirius was acting. But before I could get a proper look, my fingers had brushed against his cheek. I hesitated; waited for a few seconds, as I stared up at Sirius, not quite sure why I hadn't moved my hand away from his soft cheek. Hmm... very soft... dammit, drunk and irrational Rosa was making a come back. Oh my god! What was I doing! I was stroking Sirius Black's cheek! Rosa, you're going mad! Oh god, I've turned into a house elf! Referring to myself in the past tense! Maybe I'd be better off working in the kitchens... at least then I'd be away from temptation and everything that temptation brought, including Sirius. My face inched closer to his and, before I knew what the hell I was doing and could regain the use of my sense, I kissed him. I, Rosa-Marie Willow, had kissed Sirius Black. No, not the other way round, no, **I** had initiated the kiss and, what was more, **he** was kissing me back!

I could blame it on the vodka (having downed about a trunk load of the stuff), pass it off as a drunken kiss but drunken kisses did not make you feel so good; they CERTAINLY didn't feel right! They were supposed to feel wrong! Not have your heart racing inside your chest and be robbing you of your ability to breathe or think straight. So I decided that I'd pick what sort-of kiss it was later, as having the lips snogged off of you by the hottest guy in Hogwarts was too good an oppurtunity to miss.

I pulled Sirius closer, our kisses getting more frantic and passionate. His hands were tangled in my hair. I was unbuttoning his shirt. My heart was thumping painfully hard against my chest. The adreneline was rushing through my veins. I couldn't think of anything but the kiss and the passion that I was feeling. His hands were moving from my tangled hair down my body. His kisses moved from my lips to my neck. I could smell his aftershave on his clothes and mine and, combined with Sirius' kisses, it was making me light-hearted. His hands were resting on my hips now, my hands running through his black hair that felt as good as it looked.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!" I froze. I knew that voice. Shit. I peered over Sirius' shoulder at the very angry Brendan standing in our doorway. Angry was an under-statement; he was shaking with fury.

"Brendan, what are you doing here?" I said, my voice shaking.

"I WALK IN AND FIND MY KID SISTER SHAGGING-"

"Does it look like we're shagging!" I interrupted angrily. My voice faltered however, when I took in both my appearance and Sirius'. We were still both trying to catch our breath, my hair was a tangled mess, the buttons of my top were almost completely undone and Sirius' own shirt had been thrown onto the floor on the other side of the room.

"OH, SO IF I HADN'T COME IN YOU WOULDN'T BE?" I didn't answer. I didn't look at Sirius but I knew he was looking at me. I felt ashamed at myself.

"ROSA, COME ON, YOU'RE STAYING IN MY DORMITORY TONIGHT!" Brendan shouted. He stormed past Sirius and yanked me off the bed. I stumbled and groaned, the room beginning to spin. I was never drinking alcohol again.

"I am 17! It's legal for me to share a room with a boy!" I declared, pointing a finger accusingly at Brendan.

"Not when you're my sister, it isn't." Brendan said menacingly. He began to drag me towards the door. "Mary can swap beds with you."

"Mary's a girl too!" I challenged him.

"Yes but I doubt I'm going to find her lying on her bed, pissed out of her head and with Sirius Black on top of her..." Brendan replied, scowling, and with that, he pulled me out of the dormitory. I looked at Sirius and he looked back and then Brendan slammed the dormitory door shut behind us.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	19. God Forsaken Plastic

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **I decided to update as today is the last day of my exams in school! YAY! So I'm happy and I thought I'd update APG and make my readers happy too (hopefully). First of all, I want to say thanks to **Kathy**, who goes to my school and has just begun reviewing my story and because she's reviewing as a guest (grrr!) I haven't had the oppurtunity to thank her. ) So thanks Kathy!

Sorry for the shortness! Please review anyway! I need motivation!

-x-

To say that I felt crap the day after the baby shower was a complete lie. I felt like I was going to die. My life was going to end. And I'm only on talking about the hangover! Don't even mention the... thing that happened between Sirius and myself. I got up feeling like absolute shit and went down to the common room, only to straight into Brendan.

"HEY ROSA!" He shouted at me. I let out a howl of pain and clapped my hands over my ears. "OH! I'M SORRY! HAS SOMEONE GOT A MAJOR HANGOVER?!"

"Brendan... just be quiet..." I pleaded, feeling as though my head was going to explode.

"I assume you remember what happened last night," Brendan stated. I didn't need to answer.

"I'm hungry... let's go down to the Great Hall..." I said, my voice barely a soft whisper, as though even speaking was making the pain in my head ten times worse. Brendan looked like he wanted to go on but let it go and followed me out of the portrait hole.

The two of us walked down the many staircases to the first floor in silence, me, feeling too crap, and Brendan still trying to hold back the giant lecture he was dying to give me. That would make two lectures I'd be getting that day, as Brendan had made sure to tell Lily about how he had found me and... Sirius... the night before. She hadn't had chance to speak to me yet but Brendan assured me she was absolutely livid with me. I didn't know when exactly my life had become everyone else's concern but I sure knew that it was pissed me off immensely.

I entered the Great Hall and found to my complete shock and surprise (NOT) that Bambi was already sitting with Sirius at the Gryffindor table and was all over him (as usual). I ignored them but couldn't pretend that I didn't feel a slight pang inside my chest.

"Hey, why don't you come sit at the Ravenclaw table today?" Mary suggested, appearing next to me and putting a comforting hand on my arm. I glanced over at Brendan, who seemed to have spotted Sirius and was looking ready to pound him to a pulp. Brendan was weird like that; one minute he was killing him for snogging me and then next he wanted to kill him for someone else being all over him.

"Mary... I honestly can't be arsed..." I said, sighing and rubbing my forehead again. She nodded and sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table instead, gesturing toward the seat opposite her. I sat down and began to help myself to toast, not feeling hungry in the slightest.

After ten minutes, I had realised that my feeling of non-hunger was also another way of my body telling me that eating food would be a good way to throw up. Wanting to throw up was also combined with my irritation at Mary's constant commentary on Sirius' every move.

"He's watching you... oh, that bastard... look she's all over him... the slut... he's just using her... she can't even see it..." Mary whispered at a pace of ten words per second. She kept straining her neck back to look at Sirius in her oh-so-subtle way. I only hoped Sirius didn't think I was the one spying on him because I really felt that a Sirius free day would do be a hell of good.

"You're going to have to talk to him!" Mary eventually exclaimed, exasperated.

"Erm why?" I asked, buttering a second slice of toast to force down my throat.

"Errr because of the project!" Shit. The project. I hadn't thought about it.

"Yes but surely we've already got in trouble with McGonagall about the project! We were apart all night!" I said, beginning to panic.

"No, don't worry," Mary reassured me, "If you're anywhere inside our common room or one of the project dormitories, you're still considered to be in the same place."

"OH. Right. Ok." I replied, not really interested. Then a thought struck me and that thought was the thought that forced me to get to my feet and walk over to Sirius and Bambi.

"Oh my _gawwwd_ like what the hell are you doing over here, Willow?" Bambi said loudly.

"Not by choice, I can assure you," I replied icily. I turned away from her and faced Sirius, not meeting his gaze. "Black, where's Boblina?"

"I thought you had her..." Sirius said, as he continuously tried to catch my eye.

"What do you mean you thought I had her?!" I shouted, all the anger and embarrassment I was feeling from the night before glad to have an excuse, no matter how pathetic, to escape.

"Maybe because you're the one who had her last!" Sirius shouted back at me.

"Ooh yes! I'd have her! Because I randomly take dolls with me when my brother drags me from a dormitory! That was my first thought of course! "OH! WAIT A SECOND ROSA! YOU SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN A GOD FORSAKEN PIECE OF PLASTIC SHIT!"" I yelled. I heard Mary snort from behind me and had to admit that shouting at Sirius was actually quite amusing. I looked at Sirius and he was also grinning,

"God forsaken piece of plastic shit?" Sirius laughed.

"Oh shut up, Black," I muttered, throwing him a dark look and retreating back over to my seat.

"By the way, James is looking after Boblina," Mary said casually, still trying not to laugh as I sat back down, "So, you think things are resolved between you?"

"Well, I shouted at him, called Boblina a god forsaken piece of plastic shit and he laughed at me. So, yeah, I'd say we were back to being ok with eachother." I said, shrugging.

"Good, good," Mary replied, grinning at me, "And the kis-"

"Never happened," I said breezily. Mary nodded slowly and took a long swig of her pumpkin juice and I could tell she didn't really believe in what I was saying and, if I was totally honest with myself, I didn't believe it either.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	20. Cat Fight With A Deer

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Ack! Again it's short! But this chapter's more... fun. P I warn you, though... we see a more... violent side of Rosa in this chapter. That's all I'm going to say. You'll have to read on to find out more.

-x-

Sirius and I were almost back to normal. Well, that was until I found out that he was dating Bambi. Now I wasn't jealous or anything, no way, I mean the whole kiss thing was a mistake and we just had a silent agreement to never mention it again, it was just that Bambi was such a slut and a bitch and a slut and a cow and... a slut? OK. I honestly am not jealous. Why would I be? I don't even like him!

"I don't even like him!" I said to Lily for the fourth time in an hour. I looked over at my friend for confirmation but she appeared to have fallen asleep, her head lolling on the arm rest of her chair and she was snoring gently. "Ok. Haha. I get the picture."

Lily opened an eye and grinned, "Sorry, it's just that that's the fifth time you've mentioned Sirius in an hour."

"FOURTH actually!" I told her, smirking because I was right and she was wrong. Then I realised what I had said and felt my cheeks heat up. "No! I mean, I haven't... it's just why Bambi? She's such a bitch!"

"Yeah... you do have a point... but since when has the great Sirius Black ever judged on anything other than humongous tits and a great arse?" Lily pointed it and I knew she was right.

I sighed and slid further down in my armchair, wondering where the hell Sirius had got to. If he wasn't back in 15 minutes I would have to go and look for him because otherwise it would mean another project rule broken. I really did hope he was back before then as I didn't fancy walking in on him and Bambi... doing things in broom closets that involved a lot of screaming. I shuddered at the thought.

"Oh, that reminds me. I haven't lectured you yet." Lily said suddenly. I thought perhaps she was joking, after all, she had been fine with me all day but apparently Lily did not joke about such serious matters as lecturing one of her friends into oblivion.

Lily glared at me and, before I could protest, began the long ramble, "What the HELL were you thinking, Rosa?! Sirius Black for god's sake! I can't believe you'd touch him, let alone sleep with him!"

"WHAT!" I shouted, sitting up instantly.

"Rosa, denial never works! Just face up to the fact that you slept with Sirius!"

"I did not sleep with Sirius!" I screeched again, "I swear on my mum's stripper's cat suit that I didn't sleep with him!"

"I believe you and hey, your mum's cat suit was very nice!" Lily said, the corners of her mouth twitching. I glowered at her.

"Don't even go there... wait, who told you I **had** slept with Sirius?" I asked, deciding that I would kill said person at the next oppurtunity.

"Mary."

"MARY?"

"Yeah, Brendan told her," Lily answered me with a shrug.

"Hey guys!" I looked up. Oh no. It was Sirius and there was an annoying, little, cartoon deer attached to his side a.k.a the Hogwarts bike, Bambi.

"Oh my gosh, hi Rosa!" Bambi squealed, batting her incredibly fake and cheap eyelashes at me.

"Hi Bambi," I replied, not bothering to keep the hostility out of my voice. Sirius glared at me. I wasn't stupid. We both knew the only reason he'd brought her upto the common room was to piss me off and to see my reaction.

"I'm going to go and talk to James about butterbeer. You don't mind if Bambi stays with you two, do you?" Sirius asked casually.

"Well, actually we're quite busy doin-" I began to say.

"Good, good," Sirius said. Him and Bambi then lauchened into a far too public display of affection, which involved them snogging for a few minutes, practically against my armchair.

"Sorry, am I in your way?" I asked coldly.

"Well, if you wouldn't mind moving..." Sirius said in that cocky tone of his. I glared at him and he glared back.

"Ok. Go on, Siri! Don't be too long!" Bambi told him, ruffling his hair and giggling in a way that made me want to throw up all over her. Bambi wasn't as stupid as she seemed (surprisingly) and in fact she seemed to have more than the appearing one brain cell, as she made sure to wait until Sirius was safely on the other side of the room before threatening me.

"Stay away from my boyfriend, you slut!" She hissed at me. I didn't know what to say to this, so instead I let out a snort of laughter. Apparently this wasn't the right thing to do. "I've seen the way you look at him and it's just pitying that you even think you're in his league..."

"Bambi, I'm not even interested in Sirius," I said, rolling my eyes at her.

"Whatever. The whole school knows how you threw yourself at him. You practically raped at him." This was enough to have me in hysterics. The more I laughed, however, the more annoyed Bambi seemed to get.

"I heard about your mum, by the way," Bambi said in a sickly sweet tone and she knew almost instantly that she had hit a nerve. I felt my grip tighten on my chair.

"Rosa..." Lily warned me from her armchair, glaring at Bambi, "Don't let her get to you."

Bambi smirked at me. "Apparently she was gagging for it. Kept throwing herself at all the guys. Really easy to get into bed. Jonathon Canndit swears she even tried to give him a blow job. Oh well, I s'pose she's just a whore. Must run in the famil-"

Bambi didn't have time to finish her sentence however, as before she could continue, I had rolled my hand into a first and punched her full in the face. "ROSA NO!" Lily shouted. Everyone went silent. There was complete silence as everyone seemed to take in what had happened. I stared down at my hand in shock. "Oh my god... I just _punched _someone..."

"You're going to pay for that, bitch!" Bambi shrieked and she lunged at me. I was hardly expecting her to retaliate so it came as a shock and I barely had time to let out a scream, as she knocked me out of my chair and to the floor. She was smirking down at me now. I kicked her hard and she fell to the floor as well. "BITCH!" She screamed at me and, before I even knew what the hell was really going on, I was having a muggle fight with Bambi in the middle of the project members common room. Everyone gathered around and were egging us on, most of them, I was pleased to say, cheering for me.

She kicked me. I punched her. She tried to bite me and I said that was nasty, so she slapped me instead. We were rolling around on the floor for around 10 minutes, tearing pieces out of eachother, before I felt strong arms wrap around my waist and pull me off of Bambi in mid-punch.

"ROSA! FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST CALM DOWN!" Great. It was Sirius. I scowled at him, raising a hand to my bleeding lip and wished to God that I had never even met him and then I wouldn't have found myself lowering myself to the point of cat fighting in public.

Bambi saw this. Bambi didn't like it. "Oh, Siri poo, it was so horrible! She just attacked me!" My god, I hated that bitch so much, but I had to give it to her; she was a pretty good actress. She was now standing in floods of tears and faking having to lean against James (who had pulled her off me) because of her 'injured leg'.

"That is not true!" I protested angrily.

"She just went crazy, Sirius! She said that I had better stay away from you or she'd get me and then I said that she had no right to be so mean and she just punched me!" Bambi wailed through her tears.

"YOU BITCH!" I shouted, attempting to lunge at her again, but Sirius grabbed me by the arms and pulled me back.

I turned to face Sirius and tried to show him through my expression that I was telling the truth. He looked at me. He looked at Bambi. He glared at me and walked back over to Bambi. "Rosa, just... stay out of my life, ok?" Sirius said.

I didn't answer.

"I know we have to work together for this project but that's it. That's as far as it goes. We aren't friends." And with those final words, Sirius took Bambi and walked over to the other side of the common room, leaving me standing all alone.

Lily walked over to me. I didn't say anything but the look on my face must have told her how I was feeling. She sighed and gave me a hug and I just hugged her back, unable to believe how much my life had changed for the worse over the course of two days.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	21. Obvious Jealousy

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **OK, thanks go to all my reviewers. I cannot stress how much of an inspiration you lot are to me. The reviews give me the kick I need to update APG, so thanks a lot. )

Sorry, again this chapter is a bit short. But PLEASE review!

-x-

It had been a week since the cat fight in the common room and things were beginning to return to normal. However, Sirius and I still weren't talking. We spent most of the day with eachother but managed to get by with only talking when absolutely necessary and with immensely forced politeness. I didn't even bother to try and explain what had really happened with Bambi, as I knew I would be wasting my breath because Sirius was as stubboron, if not more stubborn, than I was. Besides, I was in the right and if he wanted to be an idiot and believe that slut of a girlfriend of his then that was his loss, not mine.

History of Magic had only begun 10 minutes ago but already the entire class had stopped listening, apart from Lily of course, who was scribbling away determinedly at the front of the class. I saw James sitting next to her with his head in his arms and had to grin. James Potter sitting at the front of the class next to Lily Evans; now that was something you didn't see everyday. Sirius and myself were sitting at the very back of the class, not talking. We hadn't said a word to eachother since the lesson had started, apart from when I demanded to be able to sit next to the window, so I could look out at the lake. Sirius agreed but I could see he was pissed off with himself for letting me get my way. I had now spent the past ten minutes with my head buried in my arms, dosing off.

"Can I borrow a quill?" Sirius asked loudly.

"No," I snapped back. Just because I had accepted that he believed Bambi over me, didn't mean I was ok with it.

"Fine!" Sirius said coolly but I wasn't particularly paying attention,, as a note had flown out of the air and landed on my desk. I looked at the front of it. It had my name on. I glanced around the classroom but I couldn't see anyone who could have sent it. I gingerly picked it up and unfolded it. I read it with a grin on my face. "Who's that from?"

"No-one," I replied carelessly, dipping my quill in my ink pot and beginning to scribble a reply.

"Lily?"

"Sirius, why are you so interested?"

"I'm not. I'm just bored."

"Sure." I put my quill back down and then threw the note over to Larry.

"_Larry_? Why is Larry sending you a note?" Sirius exclaimed in disbelief.

"I now have a date for the upcoming school dance," I said breezily, smiling happily. If I had expected Sirius to have a jealous fit then I was disappointed, as all he did was give me an unreadable look.

"I asked Bambi over a week ago," Sirius told me just as breezily. He glanced at me and I knew he knew what that I had wanted a reaction. Bastard.

"She'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe then because it isn't fancy dress and therefore coming as a prostitue isn't the best idea, wouldn't you say?" I said.

"I don't really care what she's wearing, as long as it comes off easily, if you get what I mean..." Sirius said back, smirking at me, and I had to turn away momentarily to make a disgusted expression.

"That's all it's ever about with you, isn't it? Sex this, sex that, shag here, shag there. I bet you couldn't go without sex for more than a week!" I retorted and a glare found its way onto my face.

"I did go without sex for longer than week, actually, during the project," Sirius pointed out.

"Oh my god! REALLY! Quick, quick! I think we need to phone an ambulance, I'm going to faint from shock! A whole week? N-n-n-not _seven days_?!" I announced melo-dramatically, sarcasm dripping from my tone.

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to face the front of the classroom, watching as Professor Binns drifted back and forth as he droned. I frowned and looked out of the window again. "So, why are you going to the dance with Larry? You don't know eachother," Sirius asked.

I went a bit pink at this remark but managed to shrug it off, "Yes but he said that he had seen me around and thought that perhaps we could go to the dance together as friends."

"As friends? My god, Willow, how gullible do you get..." Sirius said, smirking to himself.

"What do you mean?" I knew what he meant and I was hardly going to let him get away with suggesting it.

"You mentioned I'm obsessed with sex, well, sorry but most guys are and if you're stupid enough to actually believe that all Larry has on his mind is friendship, then you're a complete moron!" Sirius explained.

"Yeah, well, at least he won't try to bed me if I get drunk!" I hissed.

"You seemed to be pretty clear when you said you fancied me!"

"How many times! I was drunk! I didn't know what I was saying!"

"Oh, so you don't now?"

"NO! I DON'T!" I shouted a bit too loudly. A few people turned in their seats to stare Sirius and myself. I must have looked very embarrassed, while Sirius probably just looked extremely angry. I saw Larry watching us with a puzzled look and also noticed Bambi smirking at me from the other side of the classroom. For a second, I had the strong urge to grab Sirius and force him to look at Bambi and to just scream, "LOOK! SHE'S A BITCH! WHY CAN'T YOU SEE IT!", but I managed to restrain myself.

"Class dismissed..." I jumped and looked up in time to see Professor Binns disappear through the blackboard. Everyone was getting to their feet and people were chattering and laughing, as they left the classroom. Bambi came rushing over to Sirius and the two of them began another disgustlingly sick, very public display of affection and I had to squeeze past the two of them with difficulty.

"See you at the dance, Rosa," Larry said, as he walked past me, smiling briefly. I felt myself grinning stupidly as he passed and nodded a bit too eagerly. I only hoped he didn't think I was desperate.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	22. Up The Arse Acquaintance

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Erm, a few people have been asking me if I have already written all this story and that is why I'm updating so regularly. No, I haven't. I am just writing this as I go along so if I update with four chapters in a week, then it is because I have written four chapters in a week. I'm very much a person who updates when the mood and inspiration takes me, which is why you'll sometimes find you get two chapters in the matter of a day and then not get another chapter for around a month. XD

Anyway, on with the chapter! The chapter after this will be the dance, so... you're in for another 'wild party'. LOL. Well, not _as_ wild as before but still very... OK, I'm going to shut up and stop spoiling the story for you. )

OH and for those of you who are wondering, Peter is baby-sitting for Boblina back at Hogwarts, as are most of the babies/dolls.

-x-

"What do you think of this?" Alice asked, appearing from behind the dressing room curtains and striking a pose. I quickly unglazed my eyes and looked up at her, faking pleasant surprise.

"Wow. Alice, it's breath-taking!" I gushed, taking in her outfit of a baby blue micro-shirt and a rumpled white blouse.

"Really?" Alice beamed at me and did a twirl, admiring her reflection with a grin, "Yes, definitely. I think I'm buying this." She smiled at me again and disappeared back into the changing room, pulling the curtains shut behind her.

I sighed and stared glumly at the clock on the wall of the shop. We had been in the same store for over an hour and we hadn't even got around to looking for dresses for the Hogwarts dance. Lily and Mary were also somewhere in the store, probably still mooning over the over-priced, gold necklaces we had seen when we first came into the shop. I tore my gaze away from the clock and wondered how much longer Alice would take trying on clothes. If we didn't hurry then we'd be late for meeting everyone in 'The Three Broomsticks'. Yes, by everyone, I did mean _everyone_. James, Frank, Brendan and... Sirius. No, this wasn't by choice but if we wanted to follow the rules of the project then none of the couples could be apart for longer than an hour at a time. So rather than spending the day with Sirius (which would have been pure hell), we had all agreed to meet for a drink in the pub, chat for ten minutes and then go our seperate ways again. Sirius, being Sirius, had told us he would be bringing Bambi along as well, whether this was because he was trying to rub the fact he was with her in my face or because he wanted me to apologise to her, I just didn't know and, to be perfectly honest, I didn't care either, as neither plan would work.

Alice pulled back the curtains again this time, thankfully, she was back in her Hogwarts robes and was busy rummaging through her purse. "Damn, I'm 2 galleons short..." She muttered, frowning at the contents of her purse.

"Here," I said quickly, placing 2 galleons in her hand.

"Oh, Rosa... I couldn't... I mean, are you sure-" Alice pondered uneasily.

"YES! YES! Just take the money and promise me we can get out of this shop!" I exclaimed, pushing her towards the counter. There was no-one in the queue, so if we hurried then we could get there in time.

"Whoops... I just dropped my bracelet..." Alice announced, stopping suddenly and bending down to pick it up.

"ALICE! GET TO THE GOD DAMN COUNTER!" I shouted. I grabbed the bracelet from the floor and raced over to the till. Oh no... who else should be heading toward the counter but Bambi and Sirius! Well, I'd be damned if they got there first! "ALICE! QUICK!"

"ROSA! MY HIGH HEEL JUST BROKE!" Alice shrieked, hopping along behind me and clutching her shoe.

"OH MY GOD!" I exclaimed in disbelief. I ran back, grabbed Alice by the hand and ran to the counter with her shrieking in toe. Sirius and Bambi were almost there... we were almost there... I put on an extra spurt of speed and practically threw myself at the till, at the exact same time as Bambi did. The two of us smashed heads and fell to the floor in a heap, pulling Alice on top of us.

"Can't... breathe..." I wheezed, trying to push Bambi and Alice off me. I saw Sirius watching the three of us in amusement and scowled even more.

"OWOWOWOWOWOW!" Bambi screeched, as Alice's broken high heel jabbed her in the eye.

"I'm sorry, did I just poke you?" Alice asked not looking sorry in the least.

"Eurgh! Just get off me, freaks!" Bambi yelled and she gave Alice a huge shove, sending her rolling straight into a display of clothes. Bambi got to her feet and brushed herself off, "Here!" She placed her clothes on the counter.

"Excuse me!" I exclaimed breezily, pushing Bambi's clothes off the counter, "But I think we were here first!"

"No, you weren't!" Bambi said through gritted teeth, pushing me out of the way.

"Yes, we were!" I hissed, elbowing her in the side.

"YOU'RE HEADING FOR A SLAP!" Bambi shouted angrily.

"THAT DOLL'S HEAD WILL BE YOUR UP-THE-ARSE ACQUAINTANCE IF YOU DON'T PISS OFF TO THE BACK OF THE QUEUE THIS INSTANCE!" I shouted back.

"That's your resolution for everyone, isn't it Willow? Violence!" Sirius joined in with a glare at me.

"I'LL BEAT YOU UP AGAIN IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP!" Bambi yelled.

"BAMBI STARTED IT!" Alice shouted, advancing on Sirius.

"YOU JUST TRY IT AND THAT PRETTY LITTLE FACE OF YOURS-"

"CAN YOU BLAME HER? WILLOW ATTACKED HER IN THE COMMON ROOM!"

"I DIDN'T ATTACK HER!"

"SHE DIDN'T ATTACK HER!"

"FREAKS TO THE END OF THE LINE!"

"FUCK YOU!"

"FUCK OFF!"

"FUCK EVERYONE!" We all froze and turned to see the shop assistant standing next to us, looking absolutely livid.

"Are shop assitants allowed to swear?" Alice whispered from my left.

"No idea, but I think she just did..." I whispered back, but shut up when the assistant threw me a dirty look.

"Are ANY of you going to buy anything or are you going to spend the rest of the day holding everyone up, while you argue instead?!" The shop assitant shouted at us.

"Erm... we're buying..." Alice spoke up timidly.

"BUY THEN! AND STOP WITH THE SHOUTING!" Mrs. shop assitant screamed at the top of her voice. Bambi gave me another shove and Sirius pushed past Alice, making them the first customers. I sighed, giving up and mentally cursing myself for lowering myself yet again to Bambi's level. Alice and I quickly paid for the clothes and hurried out of the shop.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	23. Larry And Katrina

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **One of the big chapters is here! The school dance! What will happen between Rosa and Larry? Will there be another fight between Sirius and Rosa? Read on to find out!

I have found the dresses that I think the girls would wear to the dance. All you have to do is remove the spaces from the links. )

Alice: ht tp://i1 59.photo buck et.c om/alb ums/t13 3/t he-hp-s au ce/ali ces.jp g  
Rosa: htt p// i159.photo buck et.c om/alb ums/t1 33/t he- hp-sau ce/rosa s.jpg  
Bambi: ht tp://i15 9.photo buck et.c om/alb ums/t1 33/th e-h p-sa uc e/ba m bis.jp g  
Lily: ht tp://i15 9.photo buck et.c o m/albu ms/t1 33/the-hp- sauc e/li lys.jp g  
Mary: h ttp://i1 59.pho tobucke t.c om/albu ms/t13 3/the-h p-sau ce/mar ys.j pg

OH and when Sirius looks over at Larry and Rosa, he can only see what they're looking at and hear what they're saying. So, he thinks they're talking about and looking at what Rosa originally thinks Larry's showing her. If you get what I mean. P

-x-

"What are you doing up here?" Sirius asked rather rudely, when I entered the dormitory the afternoon before the school dance.

"Getting ready for the dance, of course," I said defensively, clutching the straighteners Lily (yes, LILY! I know! I almost died of shock!) had leant me to my chest.

"Oh. Well, I need to get ready too." Sirius replied and I had to smirk. Even the great Sirius Black had to start getting ready for the school dance two hours before it started to look like a sex god. Well, that's what everyone else thought... I didn't think he was a sex god... a sex maniac perhaps...

"I'll use the bathroom," Both of us said at the same time. We glared at each other.

"On second thoughts, Willow, you can use it. After all, it will be a miracle if you can manage to look half decent in the space of two hours." Sirius told me. Flopping back onto his bed, he gave me a triumphant look. I scowled, telling myself not to let him get to me and went into the bathroom.

I opened the make-up bag that Alice had leant me and stared wide-eyed at the contents. There were so many different shades of eye shadow and so many different fragrances of perfume that I didn't have a clue which to use. I therefore made the wise decision to just add a small coating of black mascara and a layer of lip gloss. Keep it simple and also not like an idiot because I had got confused and outlined my lips with eye-liner.

I got changed into my dress relatively slowly, as I was being extra careful not to crease or rip it. The dress was the most expensive thing I had ever bought, not that I usually spent too much money of clothes anyway, but I knew that if I tore it then it would mean half a year's allowance down the drain.

The straightening of my hair took even longer because my hair is a mane of tangled curls that didn't want to be straightened. However, once I had got the hang of using the straighteners without burning my hands in the process, I actually found that I did a really good job.

I made sure to knock on the door before I left the bathroom to make sure that Sirius was decent. He said he was but I made sure that I had my eyes half closed when I left the bathroom just in case.

"I'm decent!" Sirius repeated, rolling his eyes when I appeared in the dormitory. I opened my eyes fully and saw that he was.

"Just being sure," I muttered to myself and began to fasten a silver necklace around y neck. Fastenings on necklaces were always so darn hard to work.

I could hear Sirius sighing impatiently in the background. Every time I was close to doing the necklace up, he would let out a huge sigh and my fingers would slip. After when seemed like the twentieth failed time, Sirius came stomping over to me, "Give it here!" He demanded. I glared but handed the necklace over wordlessly. He put it around my neck again and did it up. He stepped away as soon as he was done and I began to breathe again.

As we made to leave the dormitory, I noticed Sirius staring at me. Ha, I thought somewhat smugly, it looked like I could make myself half decent in two hours. We reached the common room and I looked around. No-one was there.

"Where are you meeting her?" I asked, not able to bring myself to say her name.

"Entrance hall. Where will Larry be waiting?" Sirius said politely back.

"Same," I said.

The two of us clambered through the portrait hole and made our way down the many flights of stairs to the entrance hall. On reaching the entrance hall, I saw that Larry was already waiting there. He grinned at me when I walked up to him and I found myself grinning foolishly back.

"You look lovely," He told me and I wasn't sure if he was just being polite, but I appreciated it all the same. I smiled and nodded at him. He offered his arm in a jokey way and I took it, feeling quite happy. I looked over my shoulder and saw that Bambi was now making her way down the stairs. She was wearing a pink dress that would have been stunning were it not a teensy bit slutty and, of course more importantly, on her.

The Great Hall looked amazing (as always) and surprisingly looked quite similar to how it had looked when we had had the baby shower. However, the punch in the punch bowls would definitely be non-alcoholic and there were no metal dancing cages or a stage. I looked around quickly; nope, no sign of mum. It actually looked like the night could go well.

"Rosa!" Brendan called out. He was sitting at a table with Mary but instead of his usual over-the-top dresses, he was dressed in some expensive looking jeans, a light blue shirt and a leather jacket. He waved us over.

"Hey, I'm Larry," Larry greeted, shaking Mary's hand, as he sat down next to her.

"Mary," She said back, smiling at him.

"I already know you, of course," Larry said to Brendan. I bit my lip and tried not to laugh. I highly doubted there was a single person in Hogwarts who didn't know Brendan.

"And I know you," Brendan replied, grinning. He gave me a nudge in the ribs and I knew that he obviously approved on Larry a lot more than he had of Sirius. Not that there was anything ever to approve of between Sirius and myself. Nope, no way.

"Hey Sirius! Sirius!" Shit. Larry was shouting over to Sirius and Bambi, waving them over. He looked at Brendan, Mary and I. I didn't know what I looked like but Brendan was clenching his fists and wearing a stony expression, while Mary looked very uncomfortable. "Oh... I'm sorry... I hope you don't mind me asking him to come over. I thought you two with friends." He gave me an apologetic look.

"No, don't worry. We're not exactly what you'd call friends but it's fine." I said, faking a smile. Larry grinned and waved more enthusiastically. If Sirius had wanted to pretend he couldn't see Larry, he had no chance, as people from the other side of the hall were beginning to watch Larry waving gigantically over at Sirius and Bambi. I saw Sirius sigh, before leading Bambi over to our table. Bambi saw me and scowled. I scowled back, sinking further down into my seat, not wanting to look at Sirius or Bambi.

"Hi Larry," Sirius greeted, also putting on a rather fake smile, "I'd sit but there isn't any space..."

"Nonsense! There's loads next to Rosa!" Larry said, completely oblivious that the temperature of the table had dropped to below zero.

"Nahh... it's fine... Bambi, shall we dance instead?" Sirius said, turning to his girlfriend.

"Of course, Siri!" Bambi cooed and dragged him back out onto the dance floor. I watched them go with a glare in my eye.

"Yeah, we should probably go and dance too..." Mary announced. She didn't give Brendan a chance to protest and grabbed him the hand, already dancing her way over to the dance floor to the tune of 'Livin' La Vida Loca'.

"So... I suppose it's just you and me..." I said, turning to Larry. He grinned at me and my stomach gave an odd jolt.

"Can you keep a secret?" Larry suddenly asked.

This threw me off guard, "Erm... sure," I said uncertainly.

"Then I'd like you meet someone," Larry said, winking at me. My eyes widened, as Larry reached a hand under the table and began to undo the zip of his trousers.

"Err, what the hell do you think you're doing!" I said very loudly and I saw Sirius look over at the two of us.

"Meet Katrina!" Larry said, his eyes gleaming with excitement. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be flashed. I decided to quickly look down then look back up and hopefully avoid all confrontation. I looked down and almost screamed. There lying inside Larry's trousers was an unmistakeable octopus.

"Oh. My. God." I said, leaning closer to look at it.

Larry looked down at it too, very proudly, "Isn't it beautiful?"

"Wow. That's a really big one."

"Yeah, it is. I'm rather proud. Do you want to touch it?" Larry asked. I looked down at the octopus and didn't think there was anything I wanted to touch less.

"Nahh, you're alright, thanks..."

"But if you don't Katrina will be mad. When Katrina's mad, I get mad too." Larry said in a sort-of crazed whisper.

"It's alright..."

"TOUCH IT!" Larry practically shouted. I reached down, a look of disgust written all over my face, and gave the octopus a prod.

"NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" Larry shrieked, batting my hand away. I shrieked too and fell off the chair. He didn't bother to help me up but instead began to mutter soothingly to the octopus.

"You told me to touch it!" I said angrily.

"I meant you to stroke it!" Larry whispered harshly at me, now stroking the octopus himself. The octopus made a hissing noise rather like a cat and I jumped backwards. "Stop it! Sudden movements frighten it!"

"Is it even legal to have one?!" I asked, still edging away from it.

"It's illegal in 47 states. And here." Larry told me quietly. His head snapped upwards and he gave me a completely crazed look, "Y-y-y-you won't tell anyone will you?" I shook my head hurriedly, "Good...because like I said before, anyone who Katrina doesn't like, I don't like either."

"Oh. Right." I stated, feeling very uncomfortable.

"Why don't we go back to my dormitory? Then you can play with Katrina..." Larry began but he was cut off by an angry voice.

"Rosa, could I have a word please?" I looked up and fell off my chair again. It was Sirius and he looked extremely angry. I was actually surprised. He hadn't used my first name since... well the baby shower.

I pulled myself back into my seat and slid closer to Larry, "No, sorry. I'm busy with Larry."

"Rosa. Now." Sirius told me coldly. I could see Bambi still standing in the middle of the dance floor, looking equally as furious.

"Go back over to your girlfriend, Sirius..." I said to him, "Now, where were we?" I turned back to Larry. Sirius stood in front of our table for a few seconds, before he sighed and grabbed me by the arm.

"Erm, what do you think you're doing?" I shrieked, as I was pulled out of my seat.

"I asked to talk. You said no. Now I'm showing you that it isn't an option." Sirius told me, already beginning to drag me toward the doors of the Great Hall.

"FINE!" I said and yanked my arm from his grasp, "But I can walk perfectly well myself, thanks." I glared at Sirius and pushed my way through the doors. Sirius followed me into the entrance hall, shook his head and pointed into an empty Charms classroom. I sighed impatiently and stomped my way into the classroom.

Sirius closed the door behind him and then looked at me. "What do you want then?" I asked, folding my arms in irritation. I looked up at him with expectation.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	24. Octopi Power!

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **This is the second to last chapter. God, I feel like I'm saying goodbye to a close friend. So to make me feel better (lol) make sure EVERYONE who reads this story reviews this chapter. ) There are 86 of you who have this on story alert and only 10 or so of you review each chapter! So do me a favour and everyone review this chapter.

-x-

"Rosa, what the hell are you playing at?" Sirius burst out, glaring at me.

"What are you talking about?" I asked in confusion.

"I'm talking about you feeling Larry up!" Sirius retorted angrily and suddenly everything made sense. I started laughing. "What the hell is so funny?"

"I wasn't feeling Larry up," I spluttered in between laughs.

"I'm not dumb. I know when a girl is feeling a guy up-"

"I was stroking his octopus!" I exclaimed. Sirius took one look at my earnest expression and burst out laughing.

"Oh, that's what they call them now is it?"

"I'm telling the truth! His octopus is called Katrina and I prodded it and then he shouted and I fell and he told me to stroke it!" I protested my innocence.

"And I s'pose he wanted you to 'play with his octopus' in his dormitory as well, right?" Sirius said, raising an eyebrow at me.

"Well... yes..." I admitted. Sirius scoffed at this. "Honestly, I swear! He asked me to go to his dormitory to play with his octopus then you appeared and looked really angry and I didn't know why!"

"If that's true then why did you say you were busy with Larry?" Sirius said.

"Maybe I was!" I told him.

"Rosa, you just admitted to him showing you an octopus! You're not telling me there's something going on between you two!" Sirius replied and he rolled his eyes.

"What is it to you if there is?" I said carefully.

"It's not," Sirius said quickly. Too quickly.

"Oh well, then you might as well go back to that slut then!" I exclaimed loudly, opening the door to the classroom. Sirius looked at me. I sighed impatiently, "You've been ignoring me for the past week AND you told me that we weren't friends because your girlfriend attacked me!"

"So, she hit you, did she?" Sirius scoffed at me.

"No... but she was winding me up! She said I'd slept with you! Then said that I had practically raped you or something and I was just completely confused as to what she was on about! Then she got started on my mum and saying how being a whore obviously ran in the family a-a-and I just flipped, ok?! I FLIPPED!" I shouted at Sirius, my whole body shaking with fury. I took a few deep breaths and tried to calm myself down.

"Jesus, Rosa," Sirius said and I was glad to see that he had the decency to look guilty, "I thought you just punched her because-"

"Because what? Because I was jealous? Sirius, I don't punch people for the sake of punching people or for the sake of you!" I replied bitterly, shooting Sirius a dark look.

"Ah ha. You _were_ jealous! James said you were!" Sirius said, smirking at me with a look of satisfaction.

"What? Well... James doesn't know what the hell he's on about!" I stammered.

"Rosa, the whole of Gryffindor know you fancy me," Sirius responded, grinning.

"Oh and you weren't jealous of Larry and me?" I shot back. Sirius ran his fingers through his hair and didn't say anything.

"Look, just apologise to Bambi," Sirius eventually said. I let out a cry of frustration and glared at Sirius.

"You haven't been listening to a single word I've been saying!" I exclaimed angrily and I pushed past him and stormed back into the entrance hall.

"Why do you always have to storm off?" Sirius asked, forced to jog to keep up with me.

"Hmmm, I wonder," I said and I stopped walking. I faked a look of thoughtfulness, "Maybe it's because each time we talk, we end up arguing and you call me a liar and a slut!"

"You're so immature sometimes-" Sirius trailed off. There was a look of fury on his face. I followed the gaze of his grey eyes and groaned. There was Larry, sitting with Mary, and as both of them were peering into his trousers, I could only assume that Mary had just met Katrina.

"OK. That bastard has gone too far. He can not do this to you." Sirius exclaimed and he began to stroll towards Larry. I panicked and grabbed onto his arm.

"Sirius, no! Larry's only showing Mary his octopus!" I pleaded anxiously.

"He won't HAVE an octopus when I'm through with him!" Sirius shook me off and reached Larry within a matter of seconds.

"Oh, hey Sirius!" Larry said brightly, grinning at him, "Mary and I were just having a little cha-" Larry didn't have a chance to finish his sentence however, as Sirius' fist collided with his face. I groaned and covered my eyes.

"SIRIUS!" I heard Lily shriek and I opened my eyes to see that she was standing next to Larry's shrieking form, gaping down at him, two drinks clutched in her hands.  
"Rosa..." I looked over at Sirius, who was looking at me, horrified, "He was actually showing her his octopus!" He said, pointing at the purple octopus now lying on the floor.

"Of course he was, you idiot!" I exclaimed, rolling my eyes, "What did you think he was showing her?"

And for the first time in I had known Sirius, I saw the colour rise in his cheeks. I laughed. Larry was shooting daggers at Sirius and he suddenly rolled over on the floor, grabbing Katrina, "OCTOPI POWER!" He shrieked hysterically and threw Katrina through the air. Katrina hissed again and, because of Larry's abysmal aim, landed on Lily's head. Lily screamed and clutched at her hair, trying to throw the hissing octopus off her.

"LILY FLOWER!" James shrieked, "I WILL SAVE YOU!" I was in tears by this point, laughing so hard that my stomach hurt. James, who had managed to get drunk again (which was strange as the drinks were all non-alcoholic), came running over and threw the bowl of fruit punch over Lily's head.

"JAMES!" Lily screamed again.

"LARRY!" Mary shouted.

"ROSA!" Sirius screamed.

"SIRIUS!" Bambi appeared suddenly, glaring at me, "I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY BITCH!"

"HA! SEE, SEE! SEE WHAT SHE'S LIKE!" I shouted triumphantly at Sirius and didn't care how immature I must have seemed. Sirius looked at Bambi, who quickly tried to look innocent. Sirius looked over at me and I quickly looked at the floor. When I looked back up, he had already disappeared through the Great Hall doors. I stood there for a few seconds, everyone's yells resounding in my ears and made a decision, which I realised I would probably later regret.

I checked to make sure that Brendan was still too occupied arguing with Mary about why she was looking down Larry's trousers (he'd walked in half way through the fight), before hurrying out of the great hall and out through the entrance hall into the grounds.

I spotted Sirius almost instantly. He was lying sprawled on the grass by the lake, staring passively into the deep waters. I made my way down the grassy slope and stopped just behind him. "You can sit, you know, I won't bite," Sirius said suddenly, and I jumped, as I had thought that he hadn't noticed me. I gave him an uncertain glance, before lowering myself carefully onto the grass beside him.

"Why did you attack Larry?" I asked and I turned onto my side, so that I could watch Sirius' expressions as he answered. His remained impassive.

"You know why," Sirius said, rolling his eyes slightly and twiddling a few blades of grass between his fingers.

"No, well, I know why you punched him because you thought he was showing me... his... well, we both know what you thought he was showing me. Sweet Rowena, I thought he was going to show me that at first-" I broke off to let out a small laugh and I was pleased to see that Sirius was struggling not to grin at this comment, "- but I don't understand why you defended me."

"You're my friend..."

"I thought I wasn't your friend. Or so you said."

"You are..."

"And what happened after the baby shower often happens between friends does it?"

Sirius didn't answer but I was defiant. Things had been bad between us for so long and I refused to let the night end without sorting out the problems that Sirius and I had been having ever since the kiss.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	25. Unexpecting Slytherins

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **Ok. I lied. Well, not intentionally, but I did. THIS is the second to last chapter. I know, I know, I shouldn't be messing my readers around but the idea that I had for the last chapter really needs to take two chapters instead of one if it's going to reach its full potential. You may be angry at me now (I hope you're not) but hopefully when you read this chapter and the next you'll forgive me. P

-x-

We sat in silence for ten minutes and before long I found myself glaring at Sirius. He wasn't going to discuss this. I knew he wasn't. He either couldn't be bothered or just didn't want to. I could feel myself getting angry again and had to let out a few calming breaths. I didn't know what it was about Sirius Black that made me so infuriated all the time but it sure as hell pissed me off.

"It's going to rain…" Sirius announced and, sure enough, when I glanced up at the sky, dark grey rain clouds were hovering over Hogwarts castle. I could see the relief in his expression and let out a huff. He turned to look at me, "What?"

"Oh, just forget it," I said angrily, pushing myself to my feet and wiping my hands on the back of my robes with a stony look on my face.

"No, what have I done now?" Sirius asked. There was something about his sarcastic tone that made me even angrier and before I could stop myself I had started storming off. Again. God, that must have made it the third or fourth time that week that I had to stomped away from Sirius in a rage.

I heard Sirius groan. He caught up with me by the time I had stomped my way into the entrance hall, up the first flight of stairs and was in the process of going up a third flight. "Rosa, will you please stop storming off," Sirius told me, grabbing onto my arm. Wow, he must have grabbed my arm at least three times that week too. Maybe it was a sign that I should never trust things that came in threes.

"You're being pathetic and immature," Sirius said, as I jumped onto the next flight of stairs, determinedly ignoring Sirius' angry remarks. "You can't act like an adult for once in your life, can you? No, first sign of a disagreement and you're off on your way, stomping around the castle like a toddler. But then of course, I'm sorry, god forbid anyone should ever disagree with Rosa! No! How could they! Rosa is always right! Rosa is never wrong! Sirius is the bad person-"

"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP!" I shouted, furious. I had been heading to the common room but I doubted I could stand even another second in Sirius Black's company. I stormed my way down the corridor and knew that Sirius was following me. I saw a door lying open and seized my chance. I rushed through the door and tried to close it but Sirius had quicker reflexes than I did and managed to push his way through the door after me. He slammed the door shut behind us.

"Now, will you please listen!" Sirius exclaimed. I didn't answer but instead continued gawping at the room we had entered into. The room was unlike any other room I had seen in Hogwarts. It looked like the set of a porn movie to be exact. The whole room was pink. On the wall hung a fluorescent sign, similar to one that could be found outside a chip shop, saying… "Love Shack?!" I shrieked in horror and suddenly everything made sense. Well, it certainly explained to me why there was a heart-shaped, double bed lying in the middle of the room and why there were whips and fluffy pink hand cuffs hanging from the walls. Oh and also why there was a draw labelled 'wizdoms' in the far end of the room. I caught Sirius' eye and flushed.

But what I didn't understand was why Sirius was standing there, watching all this, with a huge smirk on his face. "I don't see what's so funny about this!" I spluttered, still gazing around the room in horror.

"Oh, well, I certainly do!" Sirius said, winking at me. Wait… Sirius winked at me. My god what the hell was happening! "You see, this little room that you've stumbled upon in called the Room of Requirement and it turns to whatever the person who **first** enters the room."

I opened my mouth, ready to give Sirius a huge lecture on his perverted mind when I realised that Sirius hadn't entered the room first. I had. My blush deepened. "SO, Rosa, I don't think there is any dispute as to how you feel about me!"

"Yes there is!" I exclaimed angrily, refusing to give in.

"Really? I'd love to here how you're going to get of this..." Sirius said and he pulled a chair over. He sat in it and gave me an expectant look. A strand of hair fell into his grey eyes and I knew that under any under circumstances I would be having trouble not to think thoughts that I shouldn't about Sirius.

"You see... it's the house elves," I told him. Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, the house elves! House Elves have really... high sex drives! They are at it day and night. Like you, but unlike house elves you actually have the choice... with house elves it's very much like a sickness. An illness. A _disease_."

"A disease?" Sirius asked, fighting to keep a straight face. I nodded vigrously. "Oh and, err, is there any cure for this disease?"

"Nope! So I think we should leave the house elves to their privacy! Bye house elves!" I said loudly and I pushed Sirius over toward the door.

"Rosa, there aren't any house elves here," Sirius tried to tell me but I wasn't paying attention. Seconds before, I had turned the door handle to the door of the Room of Requirement and the door hadn't opened. I gave the handle another ferocious tug. Nothing.

"Siiiiiiirius..." I moaned angrily.

"What?"

"The door's stuck and it's all your fault!" I said, scowling.

"I'm not even going to bother arguing with you-"

"-Only because you'll know you'll lose-"

"-And I'm going to do the sensible and mature thing and instead ask you if you would be kind enough to escort me to dinner," Sirius announced and he offered me his arm in a mock gentlemanly way.

"But we're locked in here..." I started but trailed off when I saw the plates set out on the table again. I sighed, glanced at Sirius' offered arm, rolled my eyes and took it. He grinned at me and led me over to the table. I sat down in one chair and he sat in the other.

"Aand tonight we're having a wonderful dinner of..." Sirius said and I did a mock drum roll on the table edge with my fingers. He reached over and lifted the platter up. The drum roll stopped. "Oh my god, a tin of beans and some cheese! What sort-of warped imagination do you have, Willow?"

I chose to ignore the use of my surname and instead focused on the plates, where, sitting next to the tin of beans and cheese, was a slice of toast that looked oddly familiar. "FLORENCE!" I shouted suddenly. "I've missed you!"

"Ok... either I'm going mad or you're talking to a piece of toast..." Sirius said, eyeing me with uncertainty.

I gave him a withering look, "Florence ISN'T a piece of toast. She was the family pet."

"Oh," Sirius said, trying to appear casual. He picked up the toast and began to raise it to his mouth, "How long have you had Florence then?"

"Two years or so," The toast was quickly dropped and I laughed.

"I suppose we'll have to name the rest of the food then," Sirius said sarcastically.

"No need, I've already got names for them. The tin of beans is called Algernon."

"Algernon?" Sirius scoffed.

"Says the person who called our daughter BOBLINA!"

"Boblina is a unique and exotic name. Algernon is what you call Ravenclaws."

"And what, exactly, is wrong with Ravenclaws?"

"Well, they're a bunch of geeks for a start."

"No they're not!"

"Fine. I just don't want our tin of baked beans to be a Ravenclaw."

"It's my tin of baked beans too!"

"OK! Let's stop arguing about naming food!" Sirius said loudly, putting a stop to our bickering hurriedly, "Now, what should we call our cheese?"

"Don't be stupid, Sirius. You don't name pieces of CHEESE!" I spluttered. Sirius gave me a look of complete and utter disbelief, before he shook his head. I took his silence as a good sign to continue with my ranting about our situation, "And wizdoms? I mean, come on! This is a school! What sort-of room encourages teenagers to have sex!"

Sirius shrugged and said, "I guess they know that there's no use trying to stop us..."

"Ha. It's still no excuse."

"I think it's time we put them to use..." Sirius said and he winked at me.

I looked at him for a few seconds, before grinning eagerly, "Exactly! Let's fill them with water and drop them on Slytherins out of the window!"

"... not exactly what I was thinking but I have to admit that your idea is brilliant!" Sirius said. He also grinned and quickly pulled open the drawer of wizdoms. I grabbed the glasses of water and we began to fill them up. Sirius tied the end into a knot and when we had got a good dozen or so wizdom bombs, we headed over to the window and began to search for unsuspecting Slytherins.

Sirius was the first to spot someone. "Oi! Malfoy!" He yelled out of the window. Malfoy looked up at the two of us and sneered.

"What do you want, Black? By the way, I heard about that fight you had Willow... something to do with your mum being a whore... if it does run in the family, I wouldn't mind a quick fumble in the broom clos-" Malfoy was cut off as two wizdom bombs hit him square in the face. Sirius and I burst into a fit of hysterics, laughing, as we watched Malfoy curse up at us, wiping his dripping blond hair out of his eyes.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!" Malfoy shouted up at us.

"Oh, go shag Narcissa!" Sirius shouted back at him.

"Go fuck your mother! Sorry, Willow's mother!"

"Get a life!"

"OH! LOOK! IT'S SNAPE!" I shouted a little too loudly. Snape, who had stopped to smirk at the soaked Lucius, looked up at Sirius and myself with a glare.

"If it isn't Black and the new girl. Where's Potter, Black? You two are usually so far up each other's arses-" Snape began to say but (you guessed it) was interrupted instantly by a wizdom bomb exploding on his head.

"Nice one!" Sirius told me.

"Why thank you!" I said, smiling at him.

"No need to thank us, Snivellus!" Sirius called out, "Your hair needed a good wash and we've just saved the poor sod of a hairdresser from having to touch your greasy head!" Snape made a very rude hand gesture and Sirius lobbed another wizdom bomb at him. He ducked behind Malfoy, who got hit once again in the face.

"STOP WITH THE EFFING WATER BOMBS!"

"THEY'RE WIZDOM BOMBS ACTUALLY!" Sirius and I shouted at them. We threw the rest of the bombs, as the two Slytherins ran off into the safety of the entrance hall, laughing as we did.

The two of us walked back into the middle of the room, laughing. Sirius was having to support himself against the wall he was laughing so hard and that's when my ingenius idea came to me. I grinned slyly to myself and edged my way over to the three-way hand-cuff that lay on the table (the room of requirement was definitely too kinky), deciding it was best to distract Sirius first, "We showed them, right?"

"We? More like I, Willow. All the best shots came from me!"

"Yeah, including the one where you said 'nice one' to me!"

"OK... maybe there were a few OK shots that you made..."

"More like brilliant- HA!" I shrieked triumphantly. Sirius looked at me, confused, before glancing up to where I had hand-cuffed him to the wall.

"Very funny, Rosa. Where's the key?" Sirius asked.

"Nowhere!"

"It's in your hand!"

I lobbed the key out of the window, "Not anymore it isn't! Anyway, I think I'll have to get going!"

"The door's jammed."

"Yeah but I'll- ow!" I stopped my explanation when Sirius suddenly grabbed me by the wrist and locked me in the remaining handcuff. Unfortunately, the handcuffs weren't as long as I originally thought they were, which meant that I was sandwiched between Sirius Black and a pink, stone wall. I mean there was literally no space between Sirius and me and this was a position that I did NOT want to be in. I didn't. Honestly. I swear. Of course.

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	26. All Tied Up

A Parental Guide

By xXxFluffy-Pink-Socks

a.k.a Miss Willow

**A/N: **LAST CHAPTER! WOOO! YAY! I'm also very sad, though. It's strange that I should end this story now, especially with the end of Harry Potter itself so near. Ok. I'm going to stop now because otherwise I'll cry or something. )

So, for the last time, read and enjoy!

Fluff

-x-

"You idiot!" I exclaimed angrily, trying desperately to tug my hand out of the handcuffs. I clenched my fist, spread my fingers wide and just pulled and pulled. The handcuffs were too tight. I sighed in frustration. I glared at Sirius.

"Don't look at me, you threw the key out of the window," Sirius said as though reading my mind.

"Yes but I didn't know you were going to hand cuff me to you!" I replied, scowling.

"Well, if you hadn't handcuffed me to the wall in the first place..." Sirius remarked, also scowling.

"Yeah! S-s-so?! It's still your fault!" I told him.

"How?" Sirius asked.

"If you had refused to talk about... what happened..."

"Rosa, just say it- we got off," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I was _trying_ to be tactful," I muttered, feeling very embarrassed and therefore losing my thread of thought. I shook my head and carried on, "Anyway, if you had just agreed to talk about what happen- EURGH! Fine! We got off! We snogged! We swapped spit! Whatever you want to fucking call it, Sirius, I don't care!" Sirius started laughing again. What the hell was it with him?! He laughed at anything and everything! And always at the most inappropriate of times! "Sirius... SIRIUS... WILL YOU STOP LAUGHING AND LISTEN TO ME!"

"Sorry," Sirius apologised, though he didn't look the least bit sorry and he was still grinning at me.

"Right. So if you had just talked about it when I had asked then I wouldn't have stormed off-"

"OH, that's why you stormed off!" Sirius said and he narrowed his eyes at me.

"-Yes. So I wouldn't have stormed off and I wouldn't have come in here and the house elves wouldn't have-" I explained,

"There weren't any house elves. The Love Shack is what **you** wanted to appear."

"Well, you could have made it disappear! Don't pretend that you don't know how to change..." I trailed off and started to grin, "That's it!"

"What is?" Sirius asked, clueless.

"You can just think of something else and change the room we're in, so that we're no longer trapped!" I said and I felt stupid that I hadn't thought of the quite obvious and simple idea before.

"Maybe I don't want it to change," Sirius said, smirking at me.

I glared, "Now is not the time for joking. You can go back to making stupid comments when we're out of this mess!"

"Hmm... let me think... no, I think I'm happy where I am." I stared at Sirius in disbelief and, although he was giving me a smug look, I knew he was being serious.

"Sirius, be reasonable! You can't keep me here against my will!"

"I think I can. You're handcuffed to me and I'm handcuffed to the wall incase you've forgotten." I blushed, knowing that there would have been no possible thing on earth that could have made me forget that I was backed up against a wall with my body pressed against Sirius'.

"Don't be ridiculous. Look, just change the room and then we can go." I said impatiently, sucking in my stomach and trying to edge away from Sirius. Apparently my body needs oxygen, though, so I had to let my breath out eventually and doing so only seemed to make me even more stuck. I swore.

"Why the hell do you have to have a large chest?!" I blurted out angrily, after trying unsuccessfully to put some space between us.

"Why do YOU have a big chest?" Sirius asked and his eyes left mine. I quickly folded my arms.

"That question isn't an invitation to look down," I snapped at him, colour flooding back into my cheeks, "Besides, it's not that averge-sized, thank you very much!"

"I didn't say having a big chest was a bad thing," Sirius grinned.

"Yeah, well, you saying it makes it a bad thing!"

"Oh and this-" Sirius said, and he paused to puff his chest out with pride, "-is all muscle."

"Wow. I'm impressed." I said sarcastically.

"Willow, why won't you just accept you fancy me?" Sirius asked, rather too arrogantly for my liking.

"Why won't you accept that I DON'T fancy you!"

"Because you are a girl and all girls find me irresistable," Sirius replied simply.

"Sorry to disappoint you."

"Admit it."

"No."

"Just say it."

"NO."

"Why not-"

"Sirius, shut up. You're pissing me off. Besides, Lily doesn't like you either! HA!"

"Evans doesn't count!" Sirius scoffed.

"Why the hell not?"

"She's no ordinary girl. For a start, she does homework at weekends..."

"So do I!" I pointed out triumphantly.

"Yeah, but at least you've had bad grades before!" Sirius remarked and I glared at him. He'd sworn never to mention any grades I got in Potions or Charms (my two worst subjects) ever agan.

"Ok, that's the last time I tell you anything," I said, glaring.

"You're so over-dramatic!" Sirius told me and I quickly put my un-handcuffed hand against his chest, glaring at him. I was almost positive that we hadn't been standing that close two minutes before.

"Stop moving closer," I warned him, starting to feel very nervous.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Hex you!" I said and my free hand shot into my pocket.

"What with?" Sirius asked. I looked back up and found him smirking at me, twirling my wand in his free hand.

"Sirius, I'm warning you, back off. I don't particularly want to knee you..."

"Yeah, you do!" Sirius laughed.

"OK. Maybe I do. You sussed me out." I said, pretending to admit defeat. My free hand grabbed Sirius' and I tried to reclaim my wand. The two of us struggled to keep a hold on the wand but eventually Sirius managed to pull it out of my grasp. "DAMN YOU!" I pushed my fringe out my face, so that I could glare better at Sirius, "Look, can we please be responsible and give me my wand back?"

"You know I think you're one of the most hilarious people I know..." Sirius said and he grinned cockily at me, pocketing my wand.

"Uh-huh. Great. I..." But the words that I had been about to say stuck like glue in my throat, as Sirius' fingers suddenly brushed against my cheek. My breathing stopped all together and Sirius smiled. He didn't smirk. It was a genuine smile.

"Rosa, not that I'm flattered, but I really think you should stop depriving your lungs of oxygen," Sirius said softly.

"I'm not," I replied, taking a deep breath. Breathing did little to improve how I was feeling and my heart was soon hammering hard against my chest. I placed my hand against Sirius' chest as a barrier between us and found that his heart was beating fast too. Not as fast as mine but then Sirius had always been brilliant at keeping his emotions in check and I was just the complete opposite. His hand had moved to the nape of my neck now, his fingers playing with the strands of hair that had fallen from my otherwise perfected straightened hair.

"Stop teasing me," I managed to stammer angrily and a hint of a glare returned to my brown eyes.

"If you insist..." Sirius declared and his lips came crashing down on my own hungrily. His hand delved into my hair, both of us no longer bothering to keep the hair I'd spent an hour perfecting tidy. My hand slid up his white shirt and my fingers travelled lightly over Sirius' chest. I'd be kidding myself if I said that I hadn't wanted to feel his six pack for myself and, boy, was I not disappointed. If Quidditch could do that, then I would have to seriously consider taking an interest in the sport.

Sirius grabbed my waist and pulled me closer to him, our lips still moving furiously against eachother's. We were kissing eachother so aggressively, both of us almost daring the other to pull away first. His hand was still battling ferociously with my sea of tangled curls, my hand was up his shirt, I was backed against a wall, my legs had somehow managed to wrap themselves around his waist, our lips were refusing to pull away from the other's, we were still handcuffed to a wall, and McGonagall chose that precise moment to unjam the door to the Room of Requirement and walk into the room.

"MR. BLACK! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I-" McGonagall began to shout, before she caught sight of me and her jaw dropped.

"Shit," I voiced aloud, attempting to untangle myself from Sirius. The muscles in my legs gave way and I slid half way down the wall, before Sirius was smart enough to quickly grab me.

"Miss Willow! Well, I... I..." McGonagall exclaimed in disbelief. Words seemed to be failing her at the moment and I doubted that I had ever been more humiliated in my entire life. This beat my mum's stripping, my getting drunk and almost sleeping with Sirius only to be walked in on by my brother and arriving in McGonagall's office wearing only a towel and screaming that the world was going to end. Wow. Things always seemed to happen to me.

"That's the second time we've been interrupted, Professor," Sirius stated lightly but I elbowed him hard in the ribs, warning him that he had better shut up or face being given detention.

The three of us stood in silence, Sirius still holding me up, all of us looking quite embarrassed, though no-one quite as embarrassed as me. "Miss Willow, I suggest that the two of you go and find a broom closet, rather than using the Room of Requirement which can be unreliable at the best of times." McGonagall eventually said and I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw her give us a quick smile.

She gave her wand a quick flick and the hand-cuffs that had been binding us disappeared. She looked at us as if to say 'I won't even bother asking how the hell that happened', before she gave us a half-hearted glare and swept out of the room.

Sirius and I looked at eachother. I wasn't sure what the hell was going to happen next. Things were usually so unpredictable between us, but I did hope that things didn't repeat themselves and we didn't end up avoiding eachother for the next two weeks.

Sirius sighed, before offering me his hand, "So, fancy finding that broom closet?"

I looked up at him and grinned, "Might as well. Just promise me we aren't using the same one as James and Lily."

-x-

**Please R&R!**


	27. AN, WTFudge, Sequel

**A/N: **WTFudge, sequel to A Parental Guide, is now on FF!

Read and Review the first chapter!

Fluff  
P.S: This will be taken down soon, this is just to those of you who haven't got me on author alert.


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